This is part 4 of the 5-part series about the most valuable things that I have learned in my first 50 years that I wish I knew in my 20s. A few months ago, I celebrated the halfway mark of my life1, and as part of my reflection, I decided to distil the most significant thoughts that have shaped me, in the suspicion that these might help you too.
So far, I have covered …
Part 2: Discover Your True Identity
Part 3: Discovering Love & Filling a Hole in Me
Let’s dive into Part 4 …
Our culture has dictated to us that the more we achieve or the more we have, the more important we are. This bias that we have been born into has become the water that we swim in, and as such, anything that cuts against this tide seems almost offensive.
Over the past few years, I have continually been challenged as I have sought to swim upstream against this bias. I seek to live life with the concept that, regardless of what people have or don’t have, what they have or have not achieved, they are important and valuable, and that in every interaction in any given day, the human connection and the people themselves are the most important factor.
In short … people matter most.
To me, even as I write this, it seems so elementary and simple. In fact, when I see the words written, I wonder if it is even worthy of my ‘Top 5’ list, but I have come to learn that it most definitely is.
“I seek to live life with the concept that, regardless of what people have or don’t have, what they have or have not achieved, they are important and valuable”
There are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says:
“Morning, boys. How’s the water?”
And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes:
“What the hell is water?”
- David Foster Wallace (Kenyon College)
It’s 2026. 20 years ago, smartphones didn’t exist, social media was barely a blip on the radar, and the word ‘app’ was not, well, a word. Now, most people sleep with their phone beside their bed and check it as soon as they wake up. Jump on any bus in the city you live in, and count the number of people not staring at their phone - chances are, you’ll only need one hand. We live attached to these devices now. This post is not about the issues that exist with too much screen time and too little connection, although it would not be out of place here. It’s not about the changes that occur in the brain with over-consumption of short-form content and the rise of ADHD, but that too might fit.
The issue with the hyper-connection we have with our devices is that these little super-computers are actually 24/7 marketing devices. Every app, every platform and every service you have in your pocket nudges you to purchase, every moment, telling you …
“You’ll be happier, better, smilier if you buy this”
At times, the nudge becomes a scream. 😱
How could I do just another day without owning this, buying that, joining here or upgrading there? - We think.
We have now become accustomed to this ever-present marketing, swiping it off the screen without a second thought, yet our brain is unconsciously processing this information constantly. This marketing scream (promising more happiness comes with more stuff) has become our water, and we are no longer aware that it surrounds us. This water saturates us with the message that the most important things are, well, things, and the more ‘things’ you have, the more important you are.
This tidal wave of input is literally washing our brains with dopamine, promising so much but delivering very little lasting happiness. We hustle and strive, working more and more to acquire things. Things we likely don’t really need, but suddenly feel that we couldn’t live without. Along the way, as we seek to fill ourselves and our lives up, on this journey of accumulation, we can so easily forget about others, their needs, their stories, and their challenges, as our own story and quest for happiness has become the most important, yet elusive quest.
“As we seek to fill ourselves and our lives up, on this journey of accumulation, we can so easily forget about others, their needs, their stories, and their challenges”
Alongside this marketing scream lies a few other cultural treasures that exist, ever drawing us in a direction of self-centred, self-importance. One of these ideas that captures my attention here is the thought that life is all about getting ahead. If acquisition and status are the water, getting ahead is the current that pulls us forward. Stillness is not valued, nor are virtues like patience, peace and rest. These are forcefully swallowed by the rhetoric of things like drive, hustle, strive, and work. In this story, rest is weakness, and busyness is the elixir of life, the food of (exhausted) superheroes.
The first thought I have about the idea of getting ahead is … what, or who exactly, are we trying to get ahead of?
Secondly, I think that the reason we get so swept along with this concept is that deep down, we all feel that we need to prove ourselves. If we can just get here, or get there, or show that we are moving forward into something (anything), then we can show those around us (and ourselves) that we are competent and valuable. This, of course, rarely satisfies us and we continue to pursue the enough …
» Enough achievement
» Enough success
» Enough education, knowledge, understanding
» Enough fulfilment
Finally, I think we are drawn by the current of getting ahead as we feel that we are behind in life. We compare our lives with others and see them as ahead of us and therefore better than us, as we can see our own flaws and weaknesses staring back at us in the mirror. These challenges, these shortcomings, don’t seem to exist in the shiny, veneer lives of those around us. We believe that our mistakes, our failings and our stuff-ups are unique to us. This, of course, is accentuated even more by the highlight reels so commonly splashed across our social media channels.
People matter most, and connection with each other is the priority, though this is an almost impossible task if we can’t see the worth within ourselves.
This reminds me of a quote that has deeply shaped my perspective of people over the past several years.
“There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.”
- C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory (1941)
Woah! What!
There are no ordinary people? You have never talked to a mere mortal???
C.S. Lewis dropped the bomb here for me. Aren’t we all just ordinary people living life, trying to make it, to get ahead? Not according to Lewis. The word mortal simply means ”subject to death”, and in this writing, Lewis is suggesting that each one of us is beyond merely mortal. For me, this resonated. As you will have likely read in my other writings, as a Christian, I have a deep faith in Jesus and have always believed that there is another realm beyond the physical reality of the seen world. I believe that there is another realm that exists, the unseen spiritual realm, and there is life after death. As such, I too believe that none of us are merely mortal, as Lewis would put it.
Yet this quote humbled me in a kind of embarrassing way.
As a Christian, I have come to know and accept the love of the Creator, God, and the gift of life through Jesus. I have learned and walked in the unconditional love and acceptance that has been poured out onto me. I have known this truth for myself for many years, and am learning more about the reality of this daily, but to see others through this lens was transforming!
Here’s the point … I am not merely mortal, and neither are you.
The shift in my life came when I chose to start to see others for their worth, regardless of anything they did or didn’t do or have. If unconditional love, grace and acceptance were available for me, then it is available for you too. I’m not any more special than you; it’s for both of us. Neither of us is ordinary; we are, in fact, extraordinary!
Q: Could I walk out each day seeing others as extraordinary?
Q: If I did, how would my outlook change?
Q: How would I talk to people?
Q: How would I listen to people?
Q: How would my actions, each day, shift?
Q: Could I see others as companions on a similar journey to myself, rather than people I was competing against, or using as some sort of commodity to help me get ahead?
The shift in my life came when I chose to start to see others for their worth, regardless of anything they did or didn’t do or have. If unconditional love, grace and acceptance were available for me, then it is available for you too.
As I have sat with friends and talked about these ideas, I have learned that there are 3 broad categories that we fit others into. These are 3 different lenses that we wear mostly without even realising it. Once again, the cultural water that we swim in has saturated us in this since we could first comprehend life.
Competitors - we see people as in our way, and that for us to get ahead, we need to win. We find it hard to celebrate others when things go well for them, as their winning can equate to our losing. This lens quickly drops us onto the seat of criticism, a well-worn place where we love to tear others down, feeling that this will elevate us (it doesn’t).
Commodities - we see people as tools to get us ahead. We use people to serve us and our agenda. We look for ways that others can open doors for us or provide opportunities that we couldn’t gain on our own. We care little for their story or struggles, nor the wake of chaos we leave behind us as we chop our way forward.
Companions - we see that each person is walking out their own story, each with our own challenges and victories. There is an understanding that we are all walking this life together and that we are all in need of a helping hand at times. Seeing others as companions breaks the concept of hierarchy, where some people are more valuable and important than others.
If we are to resist the cultural waters of acquisition and status and the ever-pulling currents of getting ahead, and if we are to embrace the idea that there are no mere mortals, then the lens we choose to consciously put on each day is crucial. I can only speak for myself, but for me, the shift towards seeing us all as companions has taken the load off my shoulders. I will admit that at times I get swept away again, trying to get ahead, striving, pushing relationships down my priority list in order to achieve, and with this comes comparison, heaviness, and exhaustion.
On my best days, the days when I embrace this thought and live by it, I feel lighter and much more rested. I am much less precious about how things turn out, and much more present with the people around me.
If we are to resist the cultural waters of acquisition and status and the ever-pulling currents of getting ahead, and if we are to embrace the idea that there are no mere mortals, then the lens we choose to consciously put on each day is crucial
Let me encourage you, you are not ordinary, and you are not merely mortal. There is nowhere to get that is likely to actually satisfy you, and even if you did acquire more, gain more status, and finally get ahead, what is it all for if you aren’t connected with the people along this journey?
In my experience, rest, happiness and joy are found amongst the people on the journey, as people matter most.
This post took me forever to complete. I wanted it posted before my 50th birthday in August, and had started it with ample time, yet here it is now, the start of 2026! It was cold and wintry then; now summer is upon us, and all the talk is of the New Year!
So, why has it taken so long?
Well, there are a few reasons.
Firstly, writing is hard. Finding time and consistency is a challenge. That said, the greater challenge is finding ways to express these deeper thoughts in ways that might actually help you, my loyal reader. So many of these thoughts have been in my head and heart for a while, and getting them out in a legible and practical way takes more time than I ever allow for - but I’m learning to be ok with that.
Secondly, this was actually very hard to write as I was continually challenged as to how I was actually living this principle out. The fact is, as I was writing (over the months!) I found myself criticising people and cutting short conversations in order to get tasks completed! I realised that, sometimes, words are much easier to write and read than live out. Even this very second, I am being engaged in conversation and find myself irritated as I want to get to the end of this. 🙄
Sheesh!!!! Sometimes when we stuff up, we get the opportunity to learn the same lesson, over and over until we own it … and let’s be real, this might just take a lifetime!
Right now, I’m stopping to go and connect with those right here with me.
Over and out!
Discover Your “True Identity”
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July 26, 2025
This is the second part of the 5-part series about the most valuable things that I have learned in my first 50 years that I wish I knew in my 20s. You see, in a few weeks from now, I’m turning 50, which I consider to be the halfway mark of my life. 😉
Oops - this was supposed to be posted in early August, just before my 50th birthday (August 9). Well, it seems that the celebrations took over and I never hit “GO”. Oh well, here it is now, and besides, maybe we’re all older and wiser now 😬
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