Convenient COVID taco nachos

The other week I was traveling through Heathrow Airport for a connecting flight.

While I was on one of the escalators between terminals, I heard a loud buzzing. Then the escalator abruptly stopped moving, leaving me right in the middle of the track.

I looked over at my wife, we both shrugged, then we just walked down the now-immobile escalator.

This had never happened to me before, but I immediately thought of the late, great comedian Mitch Hedberg.

Play video: Mitch Hedberg’s joke about escalators

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs.

There would never be an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign. Only an “Escalator Temporarily Stairs.”

“Sorry For The Convenience.”

I also thought of this after we got back from our travels and were immediately knocked out of commission with COVID.

After a week and a half of travel, I was desperate for a home-cooked meal, but also I couldn’t escape the brain fog. So I made one of our weeknight staples: lentil tacos.

It’s sorta healthy, very easy, and I’ve made this so many times that I could do it without thinking, which is perfect because I was basically unable to think.

I got some tortilla chips to serve on the side, but when it came time to serve all of our large plates were dirty because everything is terrible.

So I piled the chips into some larger pasta bowls and threw the tacos on top.

This turned out to be a genius move!

You see, when the tacos fell apart, which they always do because everything falls apart and we are all just hanging on by a thread here, the taco fillings fell onto the chips.

Now your tacos are temporarily nachos.

Sorry for the convenience!

The recipe: Death’s Door Lentil Taco Nachos

Adapted from “Spiced Lentil Tacos” in Self magazine.

Serves 4.

• Couple of glugs of olive oil
• 1 onion
• 1 clove garlic, or more to taste and/or if you can barely taste anything
• Salt, to taste, assuming you can taste
• 1 cup dried lentils
• 1 package taco seasoning mix
• 4 cups vegetable, chicken, or beef broth
• Taco shells
• Taco fixings of choice (sour cream, salsa, shredded cheese, avocado, gummy worms, whatever you can taste and/or sparks joy)
• Tortilla chips, for serving

Now, to make it:

1. Just forget all this and order some takeout soup. No shame.
2. Failing that, you’re on your own in a cold, uncaring world. Set a large skillet or pot over medium heat and pour in a tablespoon or so of oil.
3. While that’s heating up, finely chop the onion. If you start to cry, it might be the onion or it might be the pain, generally.
4. Cook the onion with a pinch of salt, stirring occasionally, until translucent and softening, like your memories of ever feeling well. Maybe 7 minutes or so?
5. Meanwhile, mince however much garlic makes you feel something, rinse the lentils if you can bring yourself to care, and open the taco seasoning. Why can’t I just tear this thing open? Where are the goddamn scissors? Why is everything so hard?
6. Add the garlic and cook until fragrant, maybe 30 – 60 seconds. Unless you can’t smell, in which case I guess just try not to burn it but I guess it doesn’t matter because nothing matters.
7. Add the taco seasoning and cook, stirring occasionally, for a minute more. Take smug satisfaction that you are blooming your spices even though they are coming from a packet and are probably 92% sawdust. We take satisfaction wherever we can these days.
8. Add the lentils and stir around until they’re all coated, then add the broth.
9. Increase the heat, bring it to a boil; cover with the lid slightly ajar, reduce heat to low.
10. Simmer for 30 – 40 minutes, uncovering about halfway through, until the lentils are tender and the mixture has thickened, like your ability to think clearly. In the meantime sit down, take a break, attempt to grow accustomed to the feeling of the icy hand of Death on your throat.
11. Put some tortilla chips in 4 large bowls. Place 2 or 3 taco shells on top, then fill each with several spoonfuls of the lentil mixture and whatever toppings you want. No need to be tidy; you’re just getting a jump on the nachos.

I recommend watching these while wrapped up in several blankets on the couch, watching Celebrity Jeopardy! because the questions are easier so you might feel ever so slightly less hapless and miserable.

Oh, I know this one! What are…

… oh, you know, the things! The lots of things!

In the sky! The lots of things! You know! With the light!

…

…

stars. They’re called stars.

I’m going to bed now.