One of the things I struggle with as a sports parent is when my son pushes back against coaching. Every time it happens, I can almost feel myself split in two.
Part of me immediately feels embarrassed. I grew up believing we respect our elders, we respect people in authority, and talking back simply wasn’t acceptable. Watching my son argue with a coach can make me feel like we’ve somehow missed something important.
But another part of me feels proud. I want my children to become adults who can use their voice. The kind of people who speak up for themselves and for others. Who can express their thoughts, ask questions, and respectfully disagree when something doesn’t feel right. Maybe especially when it doesn’t feel right.
Then there’s the leadership coach in me. I’ve spent years helping adults grow, and I know how important coachability is to long-term success. Learning to receive feedback, stay open when it’s uncomfortable, and grow from it is a skill that will matter long after youth sports are over.
So when a coach corrects my son and he argues back, I’m torn.
I feel embarrassed because it can look disrespectful, and I know other parents and coaches may see it that way.
I feel proud because I don’t want to raise children who are afraid to use their voice simply because someone has more authority than they do.
And I feel worried because I know that if he never learns how to receive feedback well, that pattern could hold him back long after sports are over.
But then I remember...
He’s 11.
Finding the balance between being respectful, being open to feedback, and speaking up for yourself is hard. Honestly, it’s hard for adults, let alone a preteen who’s still figuring out who they are.
As a parent, it can be frustrating to watch. You may worry that your athlete is being disrespectful, uncoachable, or simply unwilling to improve.
Sometimes those concerns are valid. But often, defensiveness isn’t a refusal to grow; it’s a response to what the feedback means to the athlete in that moment.
I’m sure you’ve seen it. The coach gives your athlete feedback. It may be simple.
Move your feet. Keep your head up. Stay on top of the ball. Make the extra pass.
But instead of listening, your athlete rolls their eyes. Argues. Explains. Blames someone else. Shuts down. Or responds with the familiar phrase: “I know.”
I often hear parents say things like:
She make excuses after receiving feedback.
He argues with coaches about what happened.
They say, “I know,” before the coach finishes speaking.
He blames teammates, officials, or circumstances.
They become quiet or withdrawn after correction.
She looks embarrassed when coached in front of others.
They repeat the same mistake because they stop listening once they feel criticized.
From the outside, this can look like an attitude problem. And sure, sometimes hormones are getting the best of them. But remember:
Behavior is information, not identity.
Before labeling an athlete as defensive or uncoachable, it helps to become curious about what the reaction may be protecting.
Coaches and parents give feedback because they’re trying to help athletes improve. But athletes don’t always experience it that way.
Some hear correction and immediately think:
“I messed up.”
“The coach is disappointed in me.”
“Everyone saw that.”
“I should already know this.”
“I am not as good as they think I am.”
In that moment, the athlete is no longer focused on the instruction, they’re focused on protecting themselves from embarrassment, failure, or a loss of confidence. That protection may show up as arguing, explaining, blaming, avoiding eye contact, or pretending they don’t care.
Defensiveness is often an attempt to reduce discomfort.
The behavior isn’t necessarily about rejecting the feedback. It’s about trying to protect something that suddenly feels threatened.
Different athletes become defensive for different reasons, which is why it’s important to understand the pattern underneath the behavior. That’s where you can meet them where they are.
Some of the most common patterns I see are:
Some athletes experience feedback as proof they failed. Instead of hearing, “Here’s how to improve,” they hear, “You’re not good enough.”
Other athletes hold themselves to impossible standards. They believe they should already know how to do the skill, so correction exposes the gap between who they expected to be and what actually happened.
Another athlete may lose trust in themselves quickly after mistakes. Every piece of feedback feels like more evidence that they’re struggling instead of information that can help them improve.
Some push back when they feel controlled or misunderstood. They often respond better when they understand the reason behind the instruction or feel like they have a voice in the process.
Others simply react before they’ve had time to process. Their first response comes from emotion. Reflection comes later.
The visible behavior may look the same. The reason behind it may not be.
When an athlete becomes defensive, our instinct as adults is often to push harder. We correct the behavior, remind them to be respectful, or add our own feedback on top of the coach’s. Unfortunately, that usually creates a power struggle instead of a learning moment.
In the moment, resist the urge to:
Correcting their attitude while they are already emotionally activated
Piling your own feedback on top of the coach’s
Calling your athlete uncoachable in the heat of the moment
Demanding an immediate explanation
Embarrassing them in front of teammates or other parents
Treating every defensive response as intentional disrespect
Giving long lectures about how lucky they are to be coached
There is still a standard for respectful behavior. But accountability works best when the athlete is calm enough to hear it.
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Start by separating the feedback from the reaction. The coach’s instruction may be useful and your athlete’s response may still need work. Both can be true.
Later, when emotions are lower, ask questions like:
What did you hear the coach say?
What did you think it meant?
What made it hard to hear in that moment?
Was there part of the feedback that could help you?
How could you respond differently next time, even if you disagree?
These questions help your athlete notice the space between receiving feedback and reacting to it.
Then help them build a simple response routine. It doesn’t have to be complicated.
When your coach gives feedback:
✓ Make eye contact.
✓ Take one breath.
✓ Say, “Got it.”
✓ Repeat the instruction back.
✓ Ask one useful question if you’re still confused.
✓ Try the correction before deciding it won’t work.
Coachability is not agreeing with every piece of feedback without question. It is the ability to receive information, evaluate it, and respond in a way that supports growth.
Coachability is one of key qualities coaches look for in tryouts, evaluations, at practice, and in games. It can be the difference between making a team or not. It can be the difference in getting a playing opportunity or not.
And many adults think coachability is a personality trait — an athlete either has it or doesn’t. But I’ve watched developing leaders and athletes for years, so I know that’s not true.
Coachability is a developable collection of behaviors:
Listening before reacting.
Staying open when uncomfortable.
Separating correction from identity.
Trying something before dismissing it.
Asking for clarity.
Taking responsibility.
Those behaviors can be practiced. And they can become the advantage your athlete carries, not just in their game today, but in their life after sports.
“Did you know Maggie*?” an old coworker asked while we were talking about executive coaching. *name changed
When I said yes, she replied, “She was the most uncoachable person I ever worked with.”
I cringed because I’d seen it too.
Maggie was smart. She had good ideas. She cared deeply. She wanted to do good things for the organization. But every piece of feedback became an argument.
Over time, people stopped sharing important information with her — even when she asked for it. Eventually, a major program failed because she never heard what everyone else was afraid to say.
She wasn’t a bad leader… she was simply difficult to coach.
You can be incredibly capable and still become someone others struggle to work with.
Someday, your athlete will grow up and receive feedback from teachers, managers, coworkers, clients, and people your athlete loves.
They won’t always agree with the feedback. It won’t always be delivered perfectly. But learning how to stay open without becoming defensive is one of the most valuable leadership skills they can practice and develop in while they’re playing sports.
It’s why I pay attention to it. It’s why coachability is one of the foundational behavior dimensions I measure and help develop in athletes.
Two athletes may both argue with a coach. One may be embarrassed. One may be afraid of failing. Another may feel controlled or misunderstood. A fourth may simply be reacting emotionally before thinking.
The behavior looks similar — the need underneath it is different. That is why the goal is not simply to stop the defensiveness. It’s to understand what pressure may be revealing, hold the standard for respectful behavior, and help your athlete build a better response.
Coachability is not about becoming passive. It is about becoming strong enough to stay open when growth feels uncomfortable.
Pressure doesn't create an uncoachable athlete. It reveals the patterns they're still developing. And once we understand those patterns, we can intentionally help them grow.
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