No Milk To Be Had

If you’re just joining For Stitch & Giggles, I’d love for you to read my postpartum story. Here’s Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4. I write this newsletter for pregnant and postpartum moms everywhere. You’re not alone.

There is so much “mom shame” around feeding your baby, and I think it is dumb. Feed your baby formula. Feed your baby breastmilk. Exclusively breastfeed. Exclusively pump. Combo feed. Formula feed. You do you. I’m not here to tell you what is best for your baby. Just as long as they are fed and growing and healthy.

And that’s where I’m going to sit for just a second.

With my first baby, I had fully subscribed to the exclusive breastfeeding journey for myself. I had all the things ready. I had taken the lactation classes the hospital provided. I bought all the supplements before the baby even came. I didn’t even take the bottles out of the box or learn how to use the breast pump because I was sure I wouldn’t need them.

Oh sweet past Kristin. How precious and naive you were.

Jude was a big baby. 9 lbs 7 oz at birth. I’ll tell his birth story in a future article. But this kid needed to eat, and he needed to eat a lot.

I’m convinced this happens to every mom. But the baby latched great in the hospital while the hospital lactation consultants were in the room. I mean, he was a perfect example of duck lips and swallowing. We were gold medal superstars.

Then we went home. And I swear that kid forgot everything we had learned under Brenda the lactation consultant’s watchful eye.

For days afterwards, I cried every time I breastfed. He wouldn’t latch. He wouldn’t stay latched. He cried too hard to latch. He slept too deeply to latch. I did not want to do a bottle. Heck no. NIPPLE CONFUSION, right?!?

I was going to exclusively breastfeed that son of a gun.

When we went to his 5 day old appointment, he had lost a lot of weight. I don’t remember the exact percentage, but it was nearing the danger zone. The pediatrician calmly told me that I should supplement with formula and triple feed to try to increase my supply. I am so sure many of you have heard the exact same thing.

I had good friends tell me not to worry. My supply was going to come in. The pediatrician’s always stress the moms out about returning to birth weight. I didn’t need to supplement with formula. It would all work out if I just pumped after every feeding.

But I was mega stressed about his birth weight. So I cried all the way to Walmart to buy the devil’s powder, formula. My poor baby was going to ingest the substance that would harm his entire future.

So for three weeks, I spent an hour and a half (sometimes longer) for every feed. When I say all I did was feed the baby, that accounts to 12 hours of feeding a day. I breastfed for 45-50 minutes, fed him a bottle, and then pumped for 20 minutes. Every single time.

And my supply did not, in fact, increase. I saw three lactation consultants. Did weighing before and after feedings, and the baby was getting just a few mils each feeding. Drops.

When I pumped, I would get sometimes just enough milk to coat the bottom of the pump bottle.

I felt like an utter failure as a mom. And I told my husband that as I sobbed into his chest. He could not understand why I was so stubbornly refusing to quit. I didn’t want to admit that I had failed entirely as a new mama. I wanted my son to have all the benefits of my breastmilk. But it seemed like I could do absolutely nothing to produce that golden substance.

Three weeks in my son’s life, he was still undernourished and not up to birth weight. I developed mastitis. My nipples were raw and bleeding. I had gotten my supply up to maybe an ounce or two from the pump a day and whatever he was getting at the breast.

I was completely drained and exhausted from triple feeding all that time.

So when the pediatrician looked at me at his three week appointment and asked what I wanted to do, I gave up.

My husband drove us home. I cried in the front seat. I had decided to go exclusively to pumping to supplement a formula regimen.

My son started gaining weight on the formula. And that kid could eat. I pumped 8 times a day for 20-30 minutes each time. The most I ever got in 1 day was 4 ounces. Yes you read that right. Not 4 ounces in a session. Four ounces in a day. For two months, I tried so hard. Spent hours on the pump. And only was able to give my son a half a bottle of breastmilk for my efforts.

It was heartbreaking.

I quit at two months, absolutely devastated by my own body’s critical failure to provide what my baby needed.

It was honestly scarring to me. I was embarrassed to tell my friends that I had quit breastfeeding.

When I got pregnant with our second, I had such high hopes for a different breastfeeding journey. I had learned so much with our oldest. I knew that your supply increased for every kid. I could do better this time. Really. Maybe I could redeem the failure of breastfeeding our first. I still carried the guilt of quitting at two months.

Maybe if I had just kept going, it would have been different.

I’m going to make a long story short.

Yes my supply did increase with my second. But not nearly enough. I started supplementing with formula the moment I got home from the hospital. Charlotte did much better with latching. We had a fantastic lactation consultant who came to our house once a week.

She was gaining weight, but my supply was still not enough to fully support her.

I was breastfeeding and then giving a bottle.

My lactation consultant recommended triple feeding for 10 days (gah). I did. My supply increased in teenie amounts. I did power pumping sessions. I did the 5-4-3-2-1 pumping method. I triple fed. I did everything.

And then we found out my daughter had a tongue tie.

We had to get that fixed at the pediatric dentist. I exclusively pumped during her healing journey. I was pumping maybe 12 times a day trying to keep my supply up. We went to an infant therapist to help with my daughter’s latch.

I pumped through all of this.

I really worked hard. I got my supply up to about 14 ounces a day. That is such an improvement from 4 with our oldest! She was able to take two bottles of breastmilk a day along with the formula.

I was proud of myself, but still devastated I couldn’t be a real breastfeeding mom. I was broken. My body wasn’t doing what a mom’s body should be.

I eventually had blood taken to measure my prolactin hormone. And finally. Finally. After two children, hours of pumping, endless tears. I had an answer. My proclatin hormone was half what it should be for a nursing mom.

There were medications I could take, but they were expensive and hard to find. And they had significant side effects. I was recovering from PPD. No thanks on the side effects.

It was nice to have answers. To realize that no amount of pumping or feeding techniques were going to work for me. Exclusively breastfeeding was never going to be my story. And I could make peace with that.

So I weaned my daughter before I went back to work around 4.5 months. I cried a lot. But I was proud of myself for making it longer than I did with my son. I’m still proud of myself for working so hard at something.

(honestly this made me laugh because for the longest time I just felt like a dairy cow)

But listen. If you’re reading this and struggling deeply with breastfeeding, I’m going to tell you something.

It’s okay to quit.

Hear me out, I champion moms who breastfeed. Breastmilk really is incredible. It’s great for a baby’s development, and it has so many benefits. Believe me. I read up on all of it. It’s one of the reasons I was so determined to exclusively breastfeed.

But it’s not the right decision for every mom. And a mom who gives her baby formula loves her child just as much as a mom who breastfeeds. We are all made differently. Some of us just don’t have the right hormonal makeup to provide what our baby needs. And that is ok. I am immensely grateful for formula. It’s expensive. It’s artificial. But it can be life-saving.

And it was for my children.

So if you’re reading this and you just want someone to tell you it’s ok to quit, I’m telling you. It’s ok. Your baby will be fine. You’ve already proven your love and devotion to your baby by bringing them into this world. Do not let shame color your decision. Let it be your decision.

I cheer for breastfeeding moms. I cheer for formula-feeding moms. I cheer for combo-feeding moms.

I still feel grief at times when I think about my breastfeeding journey. I wish it had been different for me. I would have loved to have a freezer full of breastmilk. It’s ok to feel sad about what you weren’t able to have. In fact, I think we should embrace moms who need to talk about their breastfeeding journeys more. It’s a hard and painful topic for many of us. We don’t need other moms telling us we failed. We need other moms to tell us we made a good decision.

So.

I’m proud of you for keeping your baby fed and happy. No matter what you use to do so. <3

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