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I met Colleen Kochannek just as I was pivoting into my next bold move.

She exuded the exact confidence that I wanted for myself. She is intensely clear on who she is and what she stands for. She puts herself out there, says exactly what she thinks, and doesn’t give trolls the time of day. In fact, she often takes them on head-to-head.

Colleen knows herself inside and out and doesn’t waver when outside forces have something to say about it. She has an internal anchor so strong that it serves as her one and only compass for life.

I was instantly intrigued when she declared via an Instagram video that her third act is her first life. In another clip, she staked her claim that she was fully living in her “selfish era.” She said:

“I’m building a life for me, by me, and about me.”

Under the surface, I realized that the unapologetic Colleen I had come to know had a much larger story to share, one where she had to reclaim her own agency.

I think a lot of us outsource our agency.

We outsource our agency to the systems around us. We outsource our self-worth to our job titles, the number of likes we receive on social media, and how other people approve of us. We act as “good soldiers,” silencing our own authenticity to protect the status quo or toxic leadership. We wait for an external authority to tap us on the shoulder and give us permission to be ready. We outsource our current happiness to relationships that no longer work.

It gets blurry when you want to be a selfless person and take care of those you love, but all of a sudden, you’re running on an empty gas tank because the caretaking only goes in one direction. You’re the emotional shock absorber for everyone else’s stress, or constantly swallowing your own boundaries just to keep the peace. You feel the quiet exhaustion of performing in a career or position you really don’t like, but you stick with it because the title, accolades, and prestige tell you you’ve “made it” and now that you’re there, you think, “Shouldn’t I just be grateful?” You volunteer for the extra projects and say yes to things you secretly resent.

I got curious about what the research says about selfishness. Is it really as bad as it seems?

“Selfish” is generally synonymous with self-centeredness. As a child, you probably were encouraged to be kind, generous, and caring. After all, sharing is caring, isn’t it?

Being kind, generous, and caring is an identity I wear like a hero’s cape. I want to be all of those things, especially to my friends and family. But I also have needs to be at my best. I also need to ask for help. I also need to stand firmly grounded in who I am without pushing my values and feelings aside when the systems we’re born into move differently than what feels right, whether that’s family, society, religion, culture, community, or even social groups.

Can’t both be true? Can we be deeply caring and prioritize ourselves? The research says yes—when it’s healthy selfishness.

Psychologists describe healthy selfishness as having healthy boundaries, prioritizing self-care, respecting yourself, advocating for your own needs, and making time for your own projects over the demands of others.

Research confirms that healthy selfishness boosts your self-worth, well-being, self-compassion, and overall life satisfaction. In relation to why healthy selfishness is important to your Bold Moves, the data shows it is:

“...positively related to a sense of self-competence (the perception that one is reaching one’s goals in life) and authentic pride for one’s accomplishments. Healthy selfishness was not correlated with hubristic pride, or a motivation to aggressively dominate others on the way to the top.”

Perhaps ironically to some, research also correlates healthy selfishness with being “more likely to care about others and report genuine motives for helping others.”

Colleen is onto something massive here. When I read between the lines of her self-proclaimed selfish era, she’s putting her needs first and saying goodbye to the people-pleasing habits of yesterday so she can be at her best, which allows her to then be of service to others at her highest capacity.

I’m so glad that Colleen was the first guest of this season because she acts as a mirror for us. She gives us the chance to step back and question ourselves about where we are outsourcing our agency to please others.

Listening to your own voice is the first step in reclaiming your agency. And your agency, your ability to claim what you want, is exactly what empowers your bold moves.

Now that Colleen has reclaimed her agency in her third act of life, she’s not looking back. In fact, she says she’s taking “radical self-responsibility” to make her bold moves from this point on. In this episode, she shares her journey, the patterns she has stopped repeating, her wake-up calls, and her no-BS reality check on:

Why putting your own needs first in every single decision is how you take back your life.
How to actively train your brain to question everything, from your lifelong career path down to what you want for breakfast.
Why you don’t need to wait to feel confident before you make a bold move.

Take 30 minutes to listen to this conversation today as a check-in with yourself.

How are you doing with listening to your inner voice?
What societal scripts are currently running the show in your life?
And what is one “healthy selfish” bold micro-action you can take for yourself this week?

When Being Selfish is a Good Thing

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