So, you wanna go out

First, you have to find an event.

Then, you have to make sure you can afford it.

Then, you have to make sure you’ll have the time and energy. And probably find someone else who does.

You’ll need to both find rides, and also possible ways back if and when you get inebriated.

This event will probably be in a major city, especially because you’re queer. You definitely can’t afford to live anywhere near where the event will take place, let alone walking distance. (Plus, Covid has crippled you and many of your friends. You cannot really walk very far anymore anyway.)

Even when you could walk, there was global warming crazy weather to contend with, street harassers EVERYWHERE every day, (which can’t even always be drowned out by headphones, which are, by the way, terrible in summer heat), danger from cars, danger from the typically crooked and very cracked sidewalks and generally subpar pedestrian infrastructure.

Ubers/Lyfts/cabs are crazy expensive, trains are expensive and unreliable and creepy and sparse at night. Buses are unreliable, gross, crowded (more Covid risk!), bumpier, even creepier and even sparser at night. Cars involve parking, crazy traffic, tolls, and a possible need for a designated driver. Plus there’s the upkeep of cars to begin with, repairs, insurance, and gas.

Maybe this would matter less if you were the substance type, but generations of lost-too-soon addicts and a contemporaneous opioid crisis have indeed scared you straightish. Fetanyl seems scary as shit. Coke is really fucking expensive anyway. Alcohol makes you feel like shit. Weed is pretty solid, though. (But that’s not everyone’s experience.)

Okay, fine, but then you get to wherever you are. And you have to get your goddamn bag searched, fine. And you have to wait in line, fine. (Not fine: you are still gimpy.) And you have to make sure no one forgot their IDs, fine. And there’s a cover. Fine. And you also have to pay for a coat check or else forfeit your night to worrying about losing your coat under a pile or falling onto a gross, un-mopped club floor.

When you get in, there’s no one you know, and anyone even remotely cute is very conspicuously attached. Also, as with most things, there are far too many straight people here, somehow. If it’s not straight people, then this event is not really for sapphics, but mostly gay guys. And/or it’s mostly bougie white people.

Okay, whether all this is true or not, you can still have a good time alone! You can see shows (where, in addition to the entrance fee, they will ask you for tips, which they genuinely need but you have none to give.) You can dance. The music will probably be god-awful, I mean god AWFUL. No hits, or no decent hits. No hidden indie gems. Just usually a lot of un-danceable mid to boring shit.

You think to yourself, There is SO much amazing music in the world. More than you’d ever have time to properly listen to and appreciate. How in the hell are we being made to throw ass to the house version of elevator music?

No one’s dancing anyway, except for the occasional languid half-grind. The music is definitely too loud, and you can’t hear the person next to you, you can’t hear yourself think. Is there any humane reason it has to be this loud???? Seriously, can’t it be loud, but like enough to still give you whispering range, like a movie? This shit just gives me a headache and overstimulates me.

Okay, fine. Somehow you made it through all these obstacles. The stars aligned and the sun is shining on you at night. And you also somehow have a way to get back from the event.

Who can host?

Oh, that’s right. Neither of you. You both either live at home or with too many roommates or one has to get up for work early or one is actually straight and was just here with her friend and one is still not over their ex.

And then you have to just HOPE that if all of THIS magically worked out, the sex would still be good????

I mean, even if you like, were just going out to an event where you weren’t hoping to get laid. Like those still suck too. They’re too small, they’re overcrowded, they’re on days where you work or your friend works or someone was triggered and someone else has a flareup and someone else doesn’t wanna risk getting Covid, even though you’ll all go masked.

And, not that I’m against masking at all, but we can all acknowledge that it fucking SUCKS. I’ll still do it, but It’s a blow to the fun. I can’t wear cute lipstick, it’s harder to see everyone’s faces, you have to take them off to eat, some masks are so tight it’s hard to breathe, it really gives a dystopian vibe to a good time, you’re thinking about a pandemic while you’re just trying to forget about shit, you’re mad that other people aren’t masking or masking correctly. Or this place has so many stairs, or no gender neutral bathrooms or flashing lights or weird smells or it’s just SO loud. Or wherever you found parking is sooo much walking. Or someone is playing a video on their phone and you have to remind yourself that a jail stint isn’t worth it.

Digital spaces are also bad. They’re addictive, they’re lonely, they’re antagonizing and polarizing, they’re egregiously profit-driven, hyper-surveilling, full of yelling, full of depressing news and politics.

House parties would be fun if you had more friends, and if those friends had the space for things like that. But folks broke up and fought and you’ve had so many friend group falling outs at this point, any hope of community is far far off.

idk man just might be something like that.

.

.

Also tired of shitty outings? If you’re in the Philly area, come thru to the Wooden Shoe on August 8, at 7 PM. I’ll be reading along with sarena , Queer Hoodoo Housewife , and MORE amazing amazing disabled queer poets.

If we can’t solve ableism right away, we might as well complain about it together <3333

.

.

Note, this is just an off-the-dome vent, but feel free to share YOUR going out/3rd space pet peeves in the comments!