diary of a siren

Dear Diary,

Had a pretty awful day. Woke up on the wrong side of the reef and everything just kept going downhill from there.

It’s been almost a year since I started doing my shifts on the island’s northern cliffs, can you even believe. It feels like just yesterday I was spending the eight-hours doing my nails with Nessa and Galene, yapping and drowning sailors and yapping some more about how ugly the sailors were. The best days…Now I’m stuck on the icky northern cliffs with Menopause Merle and Pissy Pistis. These bitches wouldn’t know what it’s like to be a girl’s girl if it called to them in a hypnotizing melody from their own shits.

Every day with them is insufferable, but today was like walking Persephone into the ninth ring of hell. Everything started off normal, good even - the weather was perfectly stormy, the waves were perfectly chaotic, the sky perfectly black. I got a fisherman who had wandered too far into the ocean. Super easy target. Weirdly enough, the song I used was boygenius - “Leonard Cohen.” RIP twink king, he had good taste.

But then fucking Pissy Pistis had to go and take it personally. I literally can’t get one catch without her making it a challenge. Idk, maybe she and Merle are so old that they’re trying to prove they can still sing for shit, even though they both can’t hit the high notes of “Unchained Melody” anymore. So anyway, she decided to do the stupidest thing she could think of and try to lure the island’s ferry boat over to the cliffs.

Honestly, it might have worked if it weren’t for the second bitch to ruin my day: the bride.

My first thought was that she was pretty. Lily Pulitzer floral blue dress and a very-well done spray tan, so she’s probably been going to the island every summer since she was a kid, and only learned later in life that not all families used “summer” as a verb. Potentially annoying, but still…pretty.

So anyway. She pops out onto the deck behind the captain as he’s about to jump overboard, right, and she just…pulls him back. Like he’s made of air-dry clay, all wobbly limbs and no muscle. Starts screaming in his face. I couldn’t hear most of it, but it was clear from her tone that she wasn’t scared - she was just…pissed. Smoke was practically pouring out of her ears. I could see the red of her cheeks all the way from the cliffs.

Whatever, I think. This is all Pistis. I’m sitting on my rock minding my own business (and already thinking about the headache that paperwork about this incident will be) when I notice she’s started pointing at me. But she can’t be looking at me - I’m not the dumbass who tried to crash her ride. So obviously I turn to tell Pistis to clean up her mess, but guess what?

The little asshat has fled the scene. And left ME to deal with the aftermath.

You know I’m good at my job. I’m getting like 30+ sailors a week, and that’s in low-count seamen waters. But I didn’t sign up to be a manager specifically because I hate dealing with the customer interactions. I don’t answer questions. I just kill stupid men. Plain and simple.

But now this human is pointing at me and I have no choice but to go over and clean up Pistis’ shit. Going over there was Mistake #1. Mistake #2 came when I asked her what was wrong, and she went off for what felt like hours about how I was ruining her perfect wedding weekend and first the caterer cancelled on her and then her soon-to-be husband shaved his head for some reason and now she’s not even going to get to the wedding because “some sexy water bitch wanted to fuck the captain.”

I genuinely couldn’t tell if she was being serious, because the captain was approximately four thousand years old and had more wrinkles on his pinky than she probably had on her prefrontal cortex. Obviously I tried to tell her how I was not interested in this hunchback tumbleweed by saying something along the lines of how he looked like his last job was as Moses’ left ballsack - but she was insistent. I was a “heartless bitch who never felt love” and was out to get her. Although she called me sexy, so I’m not sure how much she really meant it.

Either way - I’m pissed now, obviously. Pretty privilege doesn’t give her the right to call me a bitch. I start telling her everything I know about men, and how she should trust me because I’m an expert in that department. They’ll leave you the second they heard a girl with big tits and a tail singing “Make You Feel My Love” to them on their bachelor booze cruise, and afterwards don’t even remember their fiancé’s name. They fall out of love just as quickly as they claim to fall into it. They stomp on your heart without a second thought. All the Man Facts I’ve got from years of experience - the classics.

It wasn’t until I was coming down from my metaphorical high cliff that I realized she was crying. Started blubbering something about how her fiance was probably going to end up leaving her anyway, and how she was no good…? Idk. Maybe. I couldn’t understand her super well through all the slobbery tears. But it made me think about Merle and Pistis, and Nessa and Galene, and how this was just a girl, even if she was also a delusional human being.

I went over to the ferry as close as I could and got a good look at her. She really was pretty. Seaglass doe eyes and blonde curly highlights framing her heart-shaped face. And you know seaglass is my favorite. So I soften up. I tell her to slap the captain a bunch of times and that I would grant her safe passage until the ferry was safely past the cliffs.

So now I’m on probation or whatever because I let an easy target go - even though this was all Pistis’ fault anyway! I tried explaining that the rest of the people on the ferry totally would have blown up our spot and we’d have to move again, but I just got told that it didn’t matter because now we were behind on our Q2 goal since I let the old fart captain go.

Fuck you, Pistis.

Before I went back to the cliffs, I told that bride to come find me when the loser fiancé stopped treating her like the queen she was. I like to think she took my parting message to heart; she waved at me until I lost sight of the ferry, seaglass eyes looked on mine as she entered her perfect island wedding experience.

I hope she comes back one day. I’ll be waiting.

Honestly, maybe today wasn’t so bad after all.

Your favorite siren’s favorite siren,

Echo

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muppet of a girl

written by my cat

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muppet of a girl

pov: a white woman tries to get you to play pickleball

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Aug 12

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