Disclaimer: I LOVE the furry community. In no way am I poking fun at furries!!! I just want to humiliate this asshat who rudely messaged one of my friends.
Unknown Guy: Hi
Me: You’re going to have to do better than that.
UG: U up?
Me: NO
UG: why’d you answer
Me: entertainment, I guess
UG: I’m horny
Me: So, you wanna play?
UG: YES!
Me: What are you into?
UG: I’m an alpha
Me: that’s a fluffy thing, right?
UG: ??
Me: where’s your pack of other fluffies?
UG: wtf?
Me: use complete sentences if you have the balls to text me.
UG: I want sexy chat.
Me: Why didn’t you say so?
UG: i did
Me: You said ‘hi’ *yawn
UG: are you down for sexy chat or what
Me: sure. here’s the scene:
UG: HOW DID YOU GET THAT PIC???
Me: Project Zayhem is always watching. You messed with the Ring Brigade.
UG: the what?
Me: we have footage
UG: I didn’t do that!
Me: looks like you did.
UG: I don’t remember doing that
Me: how should I know?
UG: …
Me: can. you recall how this evening went?
UG: no
Me: figures. guys like you rarely take accountability.
for starters, you sent my dear friend that bullshit message that I’m responding to.
second - you go ringing up a member of Project Zayhem at an indecent hour, totally unsolicited and uninvited (much like your rude email) but… let’s continue
UG: why am I a ghost?
Me: you said you were my dead dog coming back to love me
UG: why would I do that?
Me: to hump my leg? fuck if I know.
UG: how is this sexting?
Me: you wanted to hump my leg.
that’s sexting.
Well, at least for a ghost dog.
You were really horny about it too.
UG: i’m always horny
Me: we know
UG: who’s we?
Me: I told you
UG: ??
Me: listen it doesn’t get better for you from this point forward.
you may as well find another poor sap to bark up.
UG: wdym?
Me: *sigh here:
Me: you actually broke one of our banisters! then you started humping like a bitch in heat.
UG: WTF???
Me: I said it doesn’t get any better for you.
UG: look i just want to give u unexpected pleasure!
Me: oh, I’m getting unexpected pleasure!
Me: then you took Dogmeat’s food and rubbed it all over your body
UG: dogmeat???
Me: my German Sheppard
UG: you dog is named dogmeat???
Me: my favorite game is Fallout 4, stfu!
UG: …
Me: then you started rolling around smearing his dog food all over the porch.
We laughed so hard. We nicknamed you Alpo!
UG (now Alpo): my god!
Me: yes, Alpo?
Alpo: don’t call me alpo
Me: we decided to have a little more fun.
You sure you ‘don’t remember’???
Alpo: wdym
Me: we texted your friend Karl. He also said he was an alpha.
At least he said so, 2 nights ago, in a dick pic message no one asked for
honestly, we find him to be more beta.
(you dumbasses with your “wolf theory masculinity”)
Anyway because he said he was up for some fun
We invited him over.
Me: sexy chat, right?
Alpo: THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT
Me: Well… it’s bringing me great pleasure!
Alpo: FUCK YOU
Me: This is fluffy love
Alpo: can’t we just have sexy chat?
Me: we are!
you two really make a cute couple!
Alpo: THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!
Me: what? you’re the one looking for sexy chat and my unexpected pleasure.
Fine. Want to change it up?
Alpo: YES!
Me: our new scene - you ready?
Alpo: YES!!!
Me: here
Me: you return, but this time from the future
Alpo: I worked hard on that costume!
Me: … it shows. Need more duct-tape and CD-ROMs.
I think the thing that ruins it for me is that I can still see your face
Alpo: that was mean
Me: you’re the one pushing my buttons at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday, Alpo.
Alpo: Stop calling me Alpo! I’m no longer a doggie!!!
Me: Alpo also sounds like it’s the name of a man from the future.
However, it’s the more immediate future.
Here’s the video. You need sound.
Alpo: wtf?!?!
Me: you’re the one talking about my orgasms! don’t give me a ‘wtf’!
Alpo: what was your orgasm going to summon?
Me: fuck if I know. you kept being sly about it. you’d never tell me. we spent 35 minutes dancing around the topic.
WHO was giving me the orgasm? YOU? I don’t think so
My wife?
ME?
I think you wanted me to jerk off to your Ring performance.
Me: I mean, the little look you give at the end is endearing but… let’s be honest, you’re not jerkoff material
Alpo: I guess not. So, what happened
Me: I rubbed one out. That’s what.
I let you stand out there while I read Kate Valentine’s erotica.
we only had 7 minutes left by this point
Alpo: 7 minutes until???
Me: until my orgasm summoned something. fuck man, you’re the one coming up with this shit.
I don’t respond well to pressure - especially coming within a timed window - plus it takes me a lot longer than 7 minutes (remember I can edge for 3 hours)
Alpo: CHRIST 3HOURS!?!?! WTF!!?!?!?!
Me: anyhow, I came.
I summoned.
Me: she looks jealous!
Alpo: I WARNED YOU!!! LOOK WHAT YOU CREATED!!!
Me: You’re right. Look at what I created!!!
See what happens, Alpo!
See what happens when you’re rude as fuck to one of my friends???
Project Zayhem is always watching!
Want to know more about Project Zayhem?? Start here:
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