Reenactment

Her name translated means insane

not a joke but a red flag

she tells me this, eyes glinting like sunlit daggers pointed at my throat

resist, blame, gaslight, control

shrink, acquiesce, palatable, easy

indomitable pain sprinkled with infrequent reward

a recipe for an addict

nails scraping at the heart from the inside out

a hit of care

a line of kiss

an injection of kink

a tab of affection

POUNDING POUNDING POUNDING

rib cage stressed under pressure

another hit god, please

maybe if i leave her alone

maybe if i don’t name my desire

maybe if i show her the indifference she craves

maybe

if i stop caring

she’ll

finally

love

me

no

she’s only available on her terms when she wants when she needs doesn’t let me in her heart soaking in a mire of fear black sludge seeping into crevices cannot risk emotion to be known is to be controlled i am known by her controlled by her a mirror that blinds her if she dares to look

i lie in bed

starved

i hear her in the next room

moaning

my bed shakes as she’s fucked

hard, fast

in time with hers through weak floors

a petty show

she sings “i’m a believer” in the bathroom

making sure i’ve heard every moment during and after

i couldn’t leave her if i tried

and i have

i’ve tried

and tried

and tried

every hit i get damages

manages

disadvantage is

where i live

tears shed pillows naked

months of struggle to get loose but she dangles

possibilities

trying to bait

confrontation

explanation

fears where ears should be

a last resort

breaking apart internally then seeking escape

life lived at speeds unsustainable

made to self destruct

seems socially acceptable

sacrificial soul slaughtered selectively seductively surreptitiously

so secretive i don’t notice i’ve been hurting myself

numbed through sociability

she stops casting lures

realizes i’m thrashing on the dock

gasping for air

breathing underwater without water

a mount amounts to death

she quickly forgets i exist

her longing for a trophy

all i ever was

admiration taken from

kept on a shelf

a story to tell

not worth pretending to care for after i’m no longer useful

gathering dust and cobwebs

left to fall apart

no maintenance

the earth quakes

i fall off, revived

flapping towards freedom

inching to shore

she doesn’t chase

she knows i can’t be controlled after death and rebirth

she’s moved on to new game

blood fresh

untainted

ready to be manipulated

i gasp cold splash at last time pass

waters deep clear wide

she occasionally tosses spears

splash! break the surface

but i’m down deep

in places she cannot see

cannot reach

will not risk

the depths too much

and soon i’m free

pain and hurt remain in the depths of my body

i continue to swim

fasterfasterfaster

and sink lower

lower

lower

trying to forget

to ignore

to distract

warnings but i don’t listen

the depths begin to crush my fragile body

fathoms become unfathomable

i convince myself i can continue

before the weight takes me

muscles tensed, mind reeling

i’m lifted by a school of friends, lovers, and all other survivors of domestic violence

i’m elevated with love

they tell me they’re lucky to see me rise

a glistening breach

resounding droplets

a chance

infinite directions

i choose

i try

s l o w l y

not precise

mindful

with care

kindness

understanding

not for a lifetime but only a season

do not contact me for any reason