Time is Undefeated

Slowly, then suddenly, I feel old.

My age hasn’t changed, but my kids keep leaving the house. They are doing exactly what we raised them to do: grow up, lean on God, take responsibility for themselves, build God-honoring relationships, and leave.

And yet, I don’t like it.

Brynlee (kid4) moved into her dorm at Texas Tech two weeks ago. Even though we have two more kids at home (11 and 13), it feels emotionally like the end of an era. She is the last of what we call “the bigs” to leave the house.

We had our oldest four in five years, which made us feel tired when they were little and crazy when they were teenagers. And then, slowly, one at a time, they all left the nest.

As much as I’d like to deny it, time is undefeated.

When we were moving Bryn into her dorm, the hallway was full of other sorority parents unloading boxes of clothes and decor. As I looked around, I thought, “These people look old.” Then I realized, “These are my peers. I’m old.”

It’s hard to internalize the truth that time doesn’t just move forward for your kids and parents. It also moves forward for you.

How should we respond to this reality?

The greatest prophet of the Old Testament, Moses, shows us how to pray about time's passage. In Psalm 90:12, he says:

Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts. (Ps 90:12, CSB)

God’s Word is true. We know our days are numbered, but facing this reality can be overwhelming. We often ignore this truth, falsely believing that we will live on this earth forever.

We will live forever, but not in this body or this condition. Unless Christ returns soon, our bodies will age, our loved ones will grow up, and we will all face death.

How should this truth shape the way we live today?

First, we must remember that every moment we get with the people we love is precious, even the hard times. How would you treat the people you love if you knew that today was the last day you had with them? We would be kinder, more gentle, and less harsh.

I’ve had many times in parenting when I’ve thought, “I can’t wait for this season to be over,” and yet, when it’s really over, I miss it so much. Barie and I have genuinely loved every season of parenting. We’ve enjoyed our kids in each stage of their development. But sometimes, I'm so ready for the next season that I miss the blessings in the present.

If we number our days carefully, we will be grateful for each day we get together. I hear Barie’s daily prayer in my ears, “Thank you, Lord, for another day of life.”

Second, we must remember that our kids ultimately belong to God, not to us. We know this theologically, but we have to remember it practically. We are temporary stewards of God’s children.

Life’s challenges force us to pray for our kids and trust God with their future. Launching kids into adulthood calls us to trust God even more. We don’t have eyes on them each day, so we must lay them before the Father and trust that He loves them even more than we do.

Third, we must give ourselves permission to grieve what is lost even as we look ahead to the future. I loved Pastor Tim Dunn’s article last week about realizing how much of parenting is watching kids leave. He had a phrase about the emotions of this stage of life that resonated with me. He called it “gratitude with an ache.”

It feels weird to grieve something good, but launching kids creates two strong emotions at once: gratitude that your kids are growing up and becoming responsible adults, combined with sadness that a season of life has ended.

I don’t personally find it helpful to ignore these emotions and act like everything is okay. As time passes, we celebrate and grieve. We laugh and cry. We can miss the past while also looking forward to the future.

Fourth, we must look ahead to our next assignment as parents. We don’t retire from parenting when we launch our kids. Our role and responsibilities simply change. I’m discovering that life at 50 is an interesting combination of coaching your grown kids and caring for your aging parents.

The common mistake I see is parents trying to hold on to a previous assignment. As your kids mature, they don’t need you to treat them like little children. They need you to release control but stay connected. They need love, support, and encouragement.

As they grow up, you get some of your time back. The key to transitioning your role is also envisioning your future. What has God called you to do in the next season of your life? Don’t simply mourn the past. Dream about the future. Set new goals for a new season that will force you to keep growing.

Personally, I’ve decided to go back to school. I start my Doctorate of Ministry degree next week at Houston Christian University. I’m praying now about what area of study to focus on for my doctoral project. Maybe I’ll press into how local churches can start an internal program for training future pastors and planters. Maybe I’ll work on how Christians, churches, and communities should engage Islam.

My point is simple: don’t just look back. Look ahead.

Finally, don’t forget that they come back. Sometimes, they literally move back in for a season. But even if they get their own place and move to a different city, they come back to visit. If we keep the relational bridge strong and the front door open, they will be happy to come see you.

On the same day we dropped off Bryn at college, our oldest son (kid1, now 22 and married, working for the Hutto Fire Department) told us he and his wife got their move-in date for their new apartment in Pflugerville, about 15 minutes from our house. We are overjoyed that they have moved to Austin!

Kid2 is finishing up his senior year at Sam Houston State and dreaming about his future career. Kid3 is taking real estate classes and trying to figure out how to work with Barie to learn the industry.

Our role changes, but our relationship remains. Kids leave, and then they come back. Some to visit. Some to stay. They don’t need us the same way they did when they were young. But they still need us.

A Final Prayer

Lord, as time marches on and our kids grow up, we thank you for the memories we’ve made together. We thank you for the ways you have used our kids to help us grow and mature. We thank you for expanding our capacity to love and ability to forgive.

As we launch our kids into the adult world, we pray for their spiritual and physical protection. We ask you to watch over their hearts and guide their path. We pray that they will love you first and most all of their days.

Jesus, please comfort our hearts in times of sadness. Give us vision for the future and peace with the past. We pray that you will show us how to make the most of the days you’ve given us.

As always, Lord, we trust You. We trust you with our kids as they step into new assignments. We trust you with our parents as they navigate health challenges. And we trust you with our eternity.

Time may be undefeated in this life. But we know that You, Lord, have defeated death and hold time in Your hands. You are the ultimate victor, so we keep our eyes on You.

Amen.