What if the life you want is on the other side of discomfort?

I finished writing the article and hit publish before getting in the car to go watch The Odyssey in cinema for three blissful, baby-free hours. I had just nonchalantly, without anyone in my ‘real life’ knowing, announced my biggest secret to my readers: I wanted to become a writer. Lying on my brother’s bed, I shut the laptop tightly and took a deep breath. A strange relief. I had planned on hitting publish that day, but once the laptop screen went dark, my self doubt crowded in and circled around me.

I ignored it as best I could and drove with my husband to the cinema, as the sun was setting behind us. Half proud and half terrified that I would swiftly regret what I had written to you all. My divulgence. The secret dream I had kept to myself for years.

My husband and I chose our seats, ordered popcorn, and plonked down for a well deserved child-free date night. I wanted to lose myself in the story, the characters, and the music. I wanted to forget I had a three month old baby for a few hours. I wanted to watch a movie without being interrupted or worrying that I had to switch over a load of laundry in fifteen minutes.

We were only twenty minutes in when I began to panic. Not because Odysseus was lost at sea with no homeward direction, but because I had put myself out there. Publicly. I began to question how honest I had been. I wondered if I was being delusional. I imagined those people, from my ‘real life’, seeing and laughing and sending the newsletter to others to make jokes about how embarrassing I was being. I contemplated whipping out my phone right there and then to delete the article all together. Maybe my readers wouldn’t even notice.

However, we were over in America. My Irish phone had no signal. No wifi. There was no escape hatch. No big red button to make the self-doubt and fear disappear.

So for the next few hours, at least, I would have to sit with the worry.

Once I resolved to be with the feelings instead of running away from them, something unexpected happened. The chatter in my brain faded. My nervous system slackened. The thing I love most about the cinema happened - I lost myself in the story I was watching.

I began thinking about the director, Christopher Nolan. He had spent years writing and directing this three hour feature film that millions of people would watch and talk about and critique. I had spent hours writing a Substack article that hundreds would maybe read. The difference was stark, but it dawned on me.

Unless he is a robot devoid of any human emotion, he definitely had a full blown self-doubt freak out when his film came out into theatres. He probably saw every mistake. Scenes or lines he wished he had deleted. Instances the exposition could have been clearer. Or when an actor’s native accent slipped through the dialogue.

I’m sure at one point during the screening, he probably wished he could whip out his phone and delete the whole thing. Well, I’ve heard that he famously doesn’t have a phone, but you know what I mean. He probably felt everything I was feeling, only on a much larger scale. Unless, as I said before, he is a robot. Which I’m not convinced he is.

So, because Christopher Nolan had to sit through the discomfort of putting his creative work into the world, I decided to do the same. When I got home from watching the Odyssey, I didn’t delete the article. I thought about it many times since, but to this moment, the article remains published.

At first, my fear was overwhelming. A monstrous hurricane crashing down hard and fast. Eventually, the storm dissipated into waves, tumbling down on me over and over again. Now, the fear feels like a shallow tide. Drifting around my ankles every now and then as I wade through.

I still worry if publicly announcing this writing dream of mine was a good idea. If this Unedited series is just fodder so I don’t have to do the really scary thing and finish writing my book.

In fact, the irony is that I’ve barely written at all since declaring to you all that I want to become a writer. I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I had my freak out. Suddenly, each piece of work was held under a microscope. I was afraid the writing police were going to come and scold me for dreaming of such things and sharing about it publicly.

Among all the uncertainty and self doubt, I’m glad that at least I am trying. I’m trying to build this career. Trying to find the words to convey my emotional world as it all plays out. I’m trying in public, which is scary, but hey.

If you never try, you’ll never know.

And if you never know, you’ll always wonder.

I can’t wonder anymore.

So I might as well just try.

Within this monthly series Unedited I’ll take you along with me for an exclusive behind the scenes peak into the making of a creative life. It’s my online notebook. A monthly series where I document the day-to-day of what it actually looks like to build a creative career in 2026.

I want to document this publicly, because I spent years waiting for permission. Waiting until I was more experienced. Waiting until I had more time. Waiting until I could confidently call myself a writer and creator.

I’m not sharing writing tips or advice on how to get published. This series is an invitation to come behind the scenes as I figure it all out in real time. The ups and the downs. Unedited. I’ll also share openly about what I’m writing, what I’m submitting, and what I’m doing to turn this dream of becoming a published author into reality. If you have writing dreams of your own, or any creative dream you’ve been quietly carrying, I hope my journey encourages you to begin before you feel ready.

Maybe if you’re reading this, you have your own dream you’ve kept private. Maybe you’re waiting for the “right” time too. If sharing my process gives someone else permission to begin, that feels worthwhile.

That’s the whole point of Keep This In Mind. This newsletter was never about arriving at some perfect future version of myself. It’s about documenting the process of becoming.

Eventually, Unedited will become part of a paid subscription. For now, I’m sharing the behind the scenes of building this new series with you all. I’m so glad you’re here at the beginning.

Read last month’s episode of Unedited here:

Below you can read this month’s edition, were I share about the reality of building a creative career as a new mom. This month, I explore:

• LIFE UPDATE! How I’m planning to turn content creation into a part time freelance business after quitting my old job

• My writing goals for the next month

• How I’m feeling about launching this new series

Come along on the journey

Yes, that’s right. I quit my job and will not be returning after maternity leave.

A few weeks ago, I told my old job that I wouldn’t be returning after my maternity leave ends in a few weeks. With no backup plan. Although this is the best decision for my family, I’m filled with guilt that I’m letting people down and afraid of this new uncertain path I’m on. Two hour commutes and expectations of working overtime are just not feasible for our life now that I have a little baby. So I made the decision, along with my husband, that for the next few months I will look for something that more closely aligns with our family needs. I’m grateful that I have savings so that I don’t need to find a part-time job tomorrow, but I’m still terrified about not knowing what comes next.

Even before I went on maternity leave, I knew that I wanted to build a freelance business writing and creating content once I returned to work. I figured it would be in a part time capacity that worked around my old job. But now, I’m exploring this freelance work as my main source of income for the next few months. I’m not starting completely from scratch. I have audiences on TikTok and Instagram and I’m hoping to turn on paid subscriptions for Unedited here on Substack in the next month. I’ve had a relatively ‘large’ social media audience for a while, but struggled to find a way to monetise. That’s my next journey.

This month, I played around with affiliate links which you may have noticed in my recent Monthly Favourites newsletter. Because of my following (mainly on TikTok) I do get sent PR sometimes, so I figured I would try making some product integrations to see how I liked doing potential brand collaborations. To my surprise, I actually enjoyed it. I’m still working on finding my voice and testing what works, but for now I’m seriously considering reaching out to some other brands to collaborate. Is it cringy to be 32 and tell people you want to create content for money? Maybe. But I have to at least try in the meantime while I search for a part time job that more closely aligns with my lifestyle as a mom.

My writing goals for this month

So, I was way too ambitious last month. I set myself up to fail by expecting that I could write this newsletter, get back into content creation, AND write a chapter of a novel, all while my in-laws (who provide my childcare) were on holidays for two weeks.

This month, I’m pairing it back and being more realistic.

• Write consistently for this newsletter

  • I love this newsletter so much and honestly feel guilty for neglecting to write for a few weeks in August. Well, I’m being hard on myself. I didn’t neglect to write, I prioritised getting back on social media to potentially create an income stream and I didn’t have much childcare.

  • Going forward, now that I am treating this newsletter like a part of my business, I think having a loose publishing schedule will be helpful for me to plan my work a bit better. Right now, I’m thinking I’ll update every Sunday. My husband can mind Louise on the weekends so I’ll have time to write if I don’t get it during the week. Sunday publishing from here on out!

• Turn on paid

  • Gulp. It’s not as simple as Cool, I’ll just turn on paid subscriptions now! I wish. Instead, this is a multi-step process. Before maternity leave, I had paid subscriptions turned on. I need to inform those subscribers that my paid subscriptions will be going back on for this series and give them time to unsubscribe if they no longer want to (completely understandably!). I need to give them decent notice and also prep myself mentally. There are also some boring back-end things I need to deal with because I changed my Stripe Account so Substack won’t let me connect my new account. Once these things are sorted, I will turn on paid!!

• Focus on writing compelling narrative social media scripts and short form storytelling

  • Since I’m trying to figure out a way to make an income using social media, I might as well practice my writing. Writing compelling short form scripts is an art form in and of itself, so why not use it as practice? In the past, I’ve just created 8 second videos or strung together some clips and wrote a voiceover to match, but what if I started with the story first? What if I wrote the script first and created a mini movie from there? That’s what I’ll be exploring.

How I’m feeling about launching this new series

I never told you, but the idea for this series came late one night while I was texting my friend, ChatGPT, about potential sub-sections of this newsletter. I was brainstorming options for paid subscriber content, and didn’t just want to offer one extra newsletter. I wanted something different.

I love when people share behind the scenes and I wanted this series to be a little more vulnerable. I wanted to share a different side of myself. A little less polished. More honesty that I share on the main feed.

So far, it’s been refreshing to know that I can share how I’m really feeling here. I was having a week of spiralling about not knowing what to write and freaking out about feeling ‘seen’. Then I realised, oh. I can actually just write about it.

Writing this series once a month is very doable right now, but in the future I might think of adding segments like a video or podcast update. If I feel compelled to pick up my camera or record something on the fly, it might be helpful to share more ‘real time’ feelings. Let me know if you’d be interested in that!

Thanks for reading Keep This In Mind. If you enjoyed this newsletter, I’d truly appreciate it if you subscribed, liked, shared, or left a comment. You being here means so much to me!

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