I want to write a love letter & a field note all at once, like a ledger of what it actually takes to stay mostly sane in a marriage.
I write this with gratitude & truth & not as another glossy anniversary post.
17 years married & 25 years together today.
My marriage has been forged in small betrayals & giant miracles, in furious fights & softer mornings, in therapy rooms, in ceremony & the ordinary work of making breakfast when everything inside you wants to shut down.
And here’s something most won’t talk about.
We went through a very long season of conscious & intentional celibacy in our marriage to clear every single relationship imprint born of wound.
We did it to dissolve distortion & to meet each other again without filter.
Do you know how much courage that takes in a culture that glorifies constant fast food sex as proof of love?
It was some of the hardest, most clarifying work we have ever done.
And it changed us.
We could not have done this alone & I want to name that.
We have been held by incredible mentors, by good medicine, by real friends & family who would not let either of us sit in our stories alone.
No one makes it through real sacred union by accident.
It takes a village & it takes courage.
So about the “sacred union” industry.
First let me say; Union Isn’t Cute, It’s Brutal & That’s Why It’s Sacred.
There are many teachers out there selling sacred union through polarity, bliss & the shiny myth of effortless merging with a side dish of black magic & polyamory.
It f*cks you up. Simple. As it did me (let me be clear, I never dabbled in the black magic or the poly/ open relationship thing (Not the same as Sacred Union) but many clients who come to me seeking deeper support in their marriage have & like me were done with having been met with a wall of scripts, formulas, & spiritual cliches dressed as truth.
Instead of clarity, I walked away feeling more broken, more contused, more convinced that somehow I was doing love & intimacy “wrong”.
Many of these teachers are lovely humans.
I don’t doubt their sincerity.
But most of them are telling the story of a fresh new union, full of sparkle, untested by time, often untouched by the grit of raising children or
enduring the initiations that come with decades together.
I’m not here to cancel that or to dismiss their love, but let’s be honest: teaching from honeymoon glow is different than teaching from the fire of 25 yrs rebuilding yourselves & staying when every part of you wants to run.
Most coaching on sacred union or holistic intimacy does not come from the bruise of decades.
What I share with my clients is simple;
because the reality doesn’t need more prettifying
Do your interior work first.
Dissolve your identities.
Wake & love the inner child.
Learn your patterns until they are boring.
Bring all of that into the relationship & make the courageous choice to grow together, to evolve, to get healthy mind, body spirit -Together.
Choose each other over disassociating with the job, the blunt, the phone, the alcohol, the party, the pills & the porn.
I’ve watched my husband grow from a little boy, into an amazing father & into the kind of man who is rare, a man in revolt of & sober from the anesthesias of today.
I can use all the lingo.. he’s a king, he’s a divine masculine..yada yada..
Or I can simply Witness;
This Man. Safe. Present. Loving. Willing
I have loved & hated the entire process..
only to find acceptance in & of all of the parts.
It doesn’t matter, who goes first.. just take the steps & walk them everday.
It doesn’t matter who is more “conscious” or “spiritual”.. I guarantee that you mirror each other perfectly.
Choose each other even when you can’t choose yourself.
Choose connection first, presence next, everything else will begin to rearrange.
Laugh & Play even when you forget.
Let your marriage be not only the greatest & ugliest love story, but the greatest gift & expander you offer YOUR soul.
Love is built in the small choices that help you find each other over & over again.
In my marriage- WE choose to rebuild every damn day.
After 25 yrs the language I use around love is less poetic & more stubborn.
We choose to find the most impossible ways to love each other in our wounds & in our wholeness.
There is no solo path to sacred union.
It is not all tantra, unicorns & feathers.
It is RAW. It is REAL & its f*ckin messy.
It is beautifully human.
Our union is the Mission.
Because at this time on the planet, there is no organic or divine technology more powerful than the force of nature that real, raw Love embodied & lived, can unleash.
And I would choose him & me again in every timeline.
(Even on the days he makes me want to punch him square in the mouth. Those days count to.)
Thank you for the endurance.
Thank you for the laughter.
Thank you for showing up to the small work of staying.
Cheers to another beautiful life together.
✧ Selvia doesn’t teach. She offers transmissions that pull from beyond the mind.
She holds space for what lives beneath the systems, what’s raw, real, and remembered. A keeper of the field, her work moves through devotion, distortion repair, and deep remembrance in service, leadership, and lineage. Her work happens in the spaces most systems can’t reach, at the altar, in the breath between words, and in the remembering of what was never truly lost.
She offers mentorship, ceremony, and soul-rooted consulting for those who feel the pull. If this transmission stirred something in you, follow the thread.
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