Why the Hard Things Matter

My daughter is currently walking the Camino de Santiago in Spain.

Every day she is covering around 30 kilometres in sweltering heat and, judging by the photographs she has been sending me, she is paying a price for it. This week there were pictures of blistered feet accompanied by a message telling me it was the hardest thing she had ever done.

Naturally, I asked why she was putting herself through it.

Was it the scenery? The people she was meeting? The experience of seeing Spain on foot rather than through the window of a train or car?

Her answer was simple.

“Because it’s so good to have achieved a challenge.”

I’ve thought about that conversation a great deal since.

We live in a world that is constantly trying to make life easier. We are offered shortcuts, hacks, quick fixes and promises of effortless transformation. Lose weight without dieting. Get fit without exercising. Build a business while you sleep. Feel happier without discomfort.

The message is often subtle, but it is remarkably consistent: easier is better.

Yet when I look back over my own life, the experiences that have brought me the deepest sense of pride and satisfaction have rarely been the easy ones.

I remember the difference between giving birth to my two children. With my daughter I had an epidural early and the birth was almost pain free. With my son it was too late for pain relief and it was excruciating.

Looking back, I cannot honestly say I’m grateful for the experience of giving birth without any drugs. There is something powerful about discovering that you can cope with more than you thought possible.

The older I get, the more I suspect that fulfilment and comfort are not the same thing. Comfort feels pleasant in the moment, but fulfilment tends to arrive afterwards, when we look back and realise we have done something that mattered to us. It is the satisfaction of having stretched ourselves, persisted through uncertainty and discovered strengths that may otherwise have remained hidden.

This is something I see repeatedly in coaching.

People often arrive hoping that a difficult situation will somehow become easier. They want more confidence before taking action, more certainty before making a decision or less fear before having an important conversation. What frequently happens instead is that they discover they are capable of doing difficult things.

The challenge itself may not disappear, but they become stronger, clearer or more resilient in the process of facing it.

The executive who dreads difficult conversations learns how to have them. The person recovering from redundancy begins rebuilding their confidence. The parent who has spent years putting everyone else’s needs first starts setting boundaries. The individual who feels stuck discovers they are far more resourceful than they realised. The circumstances may still be challenging, but they are no longer the same person meeting them.

Perhaps that is why my daughter’s answer stayed with me. She was not talking about enjoyment. She was talking about the satisfaction that comes from stretching yourself beyond what feels comfortable and discovering that you can do more than you thought.

The blisters will heal. The discomfort will pass. In years to come she may not remember every village she walked through or every hill she climbed. What I suspect she will remember is the person she became by walking it.

And perhaps that is true for all of us. The things we are proudest of are often not the things that came easily. They are the things that asked something of us and, in answering that call, changed us.

Think of a challenge you overcame in the past and ask yourself what it taught you about your own character.

Notice one area of your life where you are waiting for things to feel easier before you act and consider whether confidence might come after the action rather than before it.

Identify one conversation, decision or task that you have been avoiding and take the smallest possible step towards it this week.

I’d love to hear how you get on.

Katinka Blackford Newman PCC

Life, Health and Performance Coach

From Stuck to Unstoppable

www.kbnlifecoaching.co.uk