This week, a friend and I exchanged video chats on a Tuesday morning, and it led to me ranting a bit on how the church and deconstruction both broke us in different ways. Fun surprise: that video will be available to paid subscribers below—a small way to celebrate hitting 5 paid subscribers, halfway to my goal of 10 for this year!
As I began to write this rant, though, a different format came to me: a love letter. So here it is—
Dear whole self,
The evangelical church asked us to live broken, telling us we were broken by asking us to bypass all the things they called “wrong.” Wrong emotions for right ones. Wrong theologies for right beliefs. Wrong people for right standing. On and on the list goes.
Right or wrong—they said, “Make yourself less and less so God becomes more.” Except he never did. Because how does God become more when the body they dwell in is held in contempt? When the self God breathed spirit and life into is splitting itself apart?
Deconstruction shatters us again because we got used to convincing ourselves we weren’t whole enough. The fractures feel deeper.
And because we’re so trained to bypass what feels “wrong”—fractures and questions and feelings—we begin think there’s another side to it. We can get to the “right” deconstructed point. We can reconstruct until it’s just right again.
It doesn’t have an end point, no resolution to reach. It can’t be “made right” because it doesn’t need to be. It’s okay with doubts and questions and the ability to hold both—all things that we were taught should never be held but discarded. Dropped. As fast as possible. Hot potato hands.
There will also be something new to be fractured. A long-forgotten theology to deconstruct. A framework to reconsider. Some old belief popping up out of nowhere, asking for change.
By letting the centripetal force of deconstruction to take us back to the beginning—the very beginning of us, not when the church interrupted & stunted us.
By letting the shattering to show us that fractures don’t break us; they mend us. Because we were never broken to begin with.
If we allow them, our fractures prove it. They reveal the marrow of our whole selves—you, me, us—worthy and unbroken from the start.
Sincerely,
Deconstructed-but-Whole Me
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What might you write in a love letter to your whole self?
PS: Click below to watch the video rant that inspired this love letter. For paid subscribers only. (You might be redirected to sign in.)
To those who watch it—let me know what you think! Do you want more content like this?
Deconstruction with our whole self: a Video!
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Apr 8
Here it is!—a ranting video of yours truly, which inspired the recent post, “a love letter to our whole self.” I hope you enjoy the 2-ish minutes of me working this idea out in real time, with a friend, while driving to a doctor’s appointment.
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