Two Novels, One Me: The Impasse

I have ideas. So many ideas.

Energy? Not so much.

Right now I’m trying to decide between two novel ideas.

One I started many years ago and has stayed with me, growing a chapter here, a chapter there. It’s a fantasy about a young girl who must save her land from a great evil. Through her journey she will experience hardships and victories, learning and growing. Yes there are faeries. Yes, there is a sort of magic. Yes, there is death and destruction. In other words: all the necessary fantasy ingredients.

Because I love a good fantasy novel or series, and my younger two boys and my older grandchildren love them too, Harry Potter and LOTR marathons happen from time to time.

Then there is the mystery novel. For quite a while I’ve wanted to write one, and finally an idea came to me. And the plot is wonderful. It touches current cultural issues and centres on a female protagonist who not only solves a mystery, but confronts her own demons. The plot is thick with misdirections and ends in a way no one saw coming. Themes include addiction and recovery, sexual assault, abuse, homelessness, and finding yourself again, and personal growth. Yes, there is blood and gore. Yes, there are interesting and unique characters. Yes, there is danger. Yes, it has all the ingredients that make a great mystery novel.

Mysteries have been a staple part of my reading habits for so many years starting with Nancy Drew and The Hardy Boys as a young reader. Then later, Ellis Peters, P.D. James, Agatha Christie, Arthur Conan Doyle, Elizabeth Peters, Dorothy L Sayers, and so many more, too many to list here. I love a good British mystery or crime story - Stephen Booth and his Cooper & Fry characters, Martha Grimes and her detective Richard Jury.

This really should be an easy decision. But I’m stuck. My mind wanders back and forth. I should be able to decide, but the truth is, my mind isn’t working the way I want right now.

It’s concerned with healing.

All I want to do is relax. I’m unmotivated. I’m low energy.

No wonder I can’t decide.

I thought by now I’d be up and at it. Full steam ahead. Well, that is where my mind goes and what contributes to my frustration in how long healing from cancer takes.

I’m in the in-between. The liminal space. Emotionally foggy, yet strangely creative.

My energy is inconsistent, and some days it’s just limited. I’m never quite sure how many hours out adventuring will feel manageable. Everything feels well enough, and then one hour too much and it’s exhaustion and bed for a couple of days.

It’s like I am running on regular leaded gas in a premium world.

Other days I am good to go and I do my thing and I’m fine afterwards. Like I won a lottery and I won a free tank of premium.

It feels like waiting, hovering, in-between

I’m just not fully back. But I’m not where I was and I can see tiny improvements.

The good news is…it’s now trailer season. My husband travelled to the Sunshine Coast and opened our trailer, draining out the antifreeze from the pipes, clearing away the growth of weeds, and blowing the leaves and debris from the fall. His good friend always accompanies him, like an annual trek. Otherwise he’d never get the cover off the trailer, never mind all the other stuff he has to do.

So, I am mentally getting ready to go on a trek to the coast.

I can already feel the ocean breeze off Howe Sound as I sit and stare at the water sparkling in the morning sun. The breeze blows the winter cobwebs of my mind away and brings a new energy with them. I walk up the lane under the tall trees reaching up into the sky and a Douglas Fir hundreds of years old.

I never grow tired of looking up at them.

I will sit still, absorb the beauty of the surroundings, and be inspired.

Perhaps I will get some writing inspiration. Perhaps I’ll know which novel to choose.

In the meantime, I have so many ideas for stories. I’ve started a file on my writing software called simply, “Story Ideas.” Yeah, I know, original.

There are children’s book ideas. Even some with outlines done.

There are also short story ideas, quick mysteries and sudden revelations.

Some are just prose I’ve written that’s been trimmed from my writing, that I just can’t delete. Perhaps it will fit somewhere else.

Before I would have gone all in on one thing. I would have picked one quickly and dived in, only coming up for air to do research.

I was like this my whole life. Driven. Single minded. Sometimes multiple projects at the same time.

Now I’m scattered and have trouble focusing.

My capacity may have changed, but not my creativity.

For a while after I finished treatment, I had some clarity about my life. I’ve said this in other posts, that I asked myself a question. If I only had five years left, what would I want to spend that time doing?

Sure, spend time with family. Yes, see my friends more.

But without producing or creating anything, I know I would be bored. And when I get bored, I get depressed.

So out of all the things I could think of that I wanted to do, all I could think of was…

Writing that novel.
Writing more on Substack.
Writing more stories for my grandchildren.

But in the open space it almost feels empty at times. I get restless when I can’t focus or motivate myself.

It’s so frustrating.

No one tells you about this part of the cancer journey.

Woven in all of this is my faith. I talk to God knowing He is there, listening, caring, loving.

I feel that love at times. Sometimes I don’t

Sometimes, I am lost, wandering in the forest and cannot see the sky. It makes me grumpy and my prayers reflect this.

“What the heck, God!”

“Come on, what’s with such a slow recovery. You can do better.”

Between the slow recovery and continued chronic pain, I get grumpy. Irritated. And some days I feel like throwing in the towel.

Then add in stress: family, finances, grief.

My husband’s parents are starting to fail. His father, so stubborn, after being released from the hospital with congestive heart failure, insisted on returning home. He’s 94. His mother, too, is starting to decline.

This all takes its toll. How do we help from so far away?

Then there’s a health scare with my husband, which, thank goodness, is not at the defcon 5 level. Family strife. Worry over finances. All of it together can be overwhelming.

Alone, you can handle it and work through it, hanging on to your faith. Too many things piled on top of the other can topple anyone’s faith.

Well, except Job. But I am not the female version of Job.

And do you know what? All of this affects my writing. All of this affects my ability to choose what to do. All of this causes an overwhelming sense of helplessness.

This brings me back to my decision.

Fantasy or Mystery.

This is the choice. Perhaps a poll would help.

Perhaps I need to shift the lens away from choice only. Instead of asking myself which story I want to write, a new question springs to mind:

I need to ask myself which story fits the energy I actually have.

Acknowledging that getting back to normal takes time, helps.

However, accepting that getting back to normal takes time, helps even more.

Acceptance is not defeat.

I need to embrace the idea that slow is my new normal. Apparently, I am now a turtle, not a hare.

I can take the lesson I learned from living with chronic illness. Embrace the pain and ask what it is teaching you.

It’s time to ask myself - what is this situation teaching me?

About myself?
About life?
About God?

The truth is I don’t know. I can’t answer any of these questions right now. All I know is I am asking them. I am reflecting on them.

And in my own way, I am learning how to live and create in this space, one day at a time.

Albeit with a slightly grumpy version of me.

Dear reader, I am so thankful for you. So many of you have been journeying with me from the beginning. I’m thankful for the prayers, the positive energy sent through cyberspace, the lit candles, and your funny cat, dog, bear, goat, and lately, elephants videos. They can really make my day. They reset my mood.

I also want to acknowledge that many of you are sharing some of my experiences in healing from cancer or other health issues. You’re also living in difficult spaces and times. So let me ask you:

• How do you make choices when you don’t feel like yourself?

• What season are you writing or living in right now?

• Let me know which novel idea I should go with.

If you would like to support my retirement gig with a one time gift, feel free to…

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