We often hear about how purity culture harmed women. Women have indeed borne the weight and the consequences of shame, control, and expectations that were impossible to meet. Like many women who grew up in purity culture, I have spent years untangling the effects on my own life.
Yet, I think we make a mistake when we overlook how it impacted men and boys.
Purity culture dehumanized both men and women.
Purity culture reduced women and men to their sexual roles. Healing means reclaiming our full humanity.
It taught boys that their sexuality was inherently dangerous, that their bodies couldn’t be trusted, and that they had to fight against their sexual desires and “inevitable porn addiction.”
Purity culture didn’t just teach women to fear men’s sexuality. It taught men to fear their own.
Rather than learning “I am capable of making healthy, responsible choices,” boys learned “I am one bad thought away from becoming dangerous and an addict.”
For many, this became the foundation of a deep cycle of shame.
By tying masculinity to sexual conquest and securing a wife, purity culture also promoted an entitlement to women’s bodies, while placing the responsibility of men’s sexual thoughts and behaviors on women. This dynamic has contributed to cultures where abuse, victim-blaming, and unequal power can flourish.
Addressing the ways purity culture dehumanized men is essential if we want to rehumanize women.
When boys are taught a version of masculinity that revolves around untamed sexuality and dominance and girls are taught that they are responsible for managing it, everyone loses.
In this conversation with Jacob Gooden from the Ex-Homeschoolers Club Podcast and Allison Rose from the Recovering Radical Podcast, we discuss the messages boys received during purity culture, the long-term effects of purity culture, and the cycle of shame that trapped so many men.
We also discuss emotional suppression, consent, building a healthy masculinity, and building a healthy self-worth that isn’t tied to your sexual desires.
Most importantly, we talk about healing.
Healing isn’t about becoming a “perfect” or “pure” man or woman. It’s about rebuilding a relationship with yourself, embracing a healthy masculinity rooted in dignity, empathy, accountability, and self-compassion.
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Unlearning purity culture’s messages means undoing the shame cycle and the harmful messages we were taught. It means remembering we are both human beings clothed in strength and dignity.
You are a human being, worthy of dignity, love, and belonging.
Healing means replacing these messages of fear and shame with compassion, self-trust, and authenticity.
For more on this topic, watch Reconnecting to the Body After Purity Culture with Kate Johnson and Allison Rose.
Let me know your experience and your thoughts in the comments. What messages are you still unlearning?
If this conversation resonates with you, feel free to share with a friend who needs to listen to this.
Content Note: Per the title, we do have frank discussions on sex, pornography, and masturbation, as these were topics frequently brought up in male purity culture. If this makes you blush, this episode may not be for you.
After being homeschooled for 10 years, Jacob Gooden created the Ex-Homeschoolers Club to give former homeschoolers a place to tell their stories. The podcast features honest conversations about the good, the bad, and the ugly of growing up homeschooled, highlighting the wide range of experiences that exist within the homeschooling community.
Jacob and I recently did a podcast together discussing my story through homeschooling.
Nontoxic Masculinity: Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality by Zachary Wagener
The Sexually Healthy Man: Essays on Spirituality, Sexuality, and Restoration by Andrew J. Bauman
Ejaculate Responsibly by Gabrielle Blair
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
She Comes First by Ian Kerner
When Religion Hurts You by Dr. Laura Anderson
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