My Mornings Are Different Now

This morning, I had the realization that I haven’t woken up dreading the day ahead in quite a while now.

Not to say that I dreaded facing my life before. Not at all. But before, I would wake up and immediately think of all I had to do that day. Of all the things I had on my list, of all the ways I was already behind, and the lack of time I’d have to myself to regroup. I’d wake up most days ready for the hustle, even though I was a yoga teacher working for myself with a pretty great life.

There was a private struggle though. A feeling that if I didn’t wake up early enough and have 60 perfect minutes of meditation, yoga, breathwork and journaling, I’d never be equipped to face all the things on my list (and I’d be an imposter who couldn’t take her own medicine). In other words, I’d feel overwhelmed and underequipped before I’d even taken my morning pee, while convincing myself (and others) that I had all my shit together. It was honestly an MO I didn’t even realize I had, until now.

So what changed?

Maybe it’s my age. Maybe it’s finally feeling settled in our home Spain, and that the culture really is rubbing off on me. And maybe it’s that I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 45, and am completely shifting the way I see myself and how I function.

I have been going through the deep work of questioning my life-long beliefs about myself, perfectionism, anxiety, and the absolutely absurd standards I have set for myself. Understanding my brain in a new way, getting super honest with myself, and connecting to other women who were also diagnosed late in life like I am, has given me a fresh perspective and a new set of metaphorical glasses through which to see myself.

While I can tell you that this has and will be a helluva journey, I have already started to undo the expectation that I must do things a certain way in order to be legitimate or successful. And today, I realized that how I feel in the mornings is proof of the internal shifts that have occurred since leaving my life in the US and getting to start over in Spain.

Nowadays when I wake up, I’ve noticed that I’m easier with myself; kinder to myself, and with fewer expectations. If I wake up and Mitch is already awake, I spend 1:1 time with him before we wake up the kids. If he’s not up, I ask myself what I want to do and then I do it. I’m not keeping score. I’m not checking anything off on a tracker.

The time spent alone might still look like pulling oracle cards and journaling, but it might just be reading in bed for a bit, stepping outside on the balcony and googling which birds are singing the loudest, or organizing my art supplies. Some days I even (gasp!) open my social media to see what’s happened while I slept. And other days I meditate, read my astrology, and get on my mat.

Or maybe, like today, I listen to the same song on repeat 25 times while writing a blog post about how I’ve been feeling lately (FYI the song is Wait by M83).

My point is, I think I’ve started to release some of my perfectionist tendencies, to embrace who I truly am– neuro-spiciness and all– and create a new Mode of Operation.

This version of me checks in with how I feel and what I need, and expresses those needs to others. This version writes Substack blogs when I’m feeling inspired, and doesn’t when I don’t; takes months away from IG and then reappears without apologizing or overexplaining.

This version forgives myself when I am “cringe” (as my almost 13-year-old likes to say), and is self-compassionate when I need to bed-rot for a few hours in the middle of the day and watch TV to take a break from being a human.

I cry when I need to cry, I work out when I want to work out, I see friends and do art just for the sake of it, and I try not to feel bad about myself when I realize my hormones have stolen my working memory and I can’t even remember a 6 digit code when I’m trying to log into something.

I remain analog in all the ways that make me happy (hello, stickers, journals, and watercolor paint!), but also offload stressful things to Claude and have it systematize the responsibilities that have often overwhelmed me (that’s you, meal planning). I am more likely to give myself a break, and to accept help when it’s offered.

I am finally embracing my messy, imperfect, and authentic self.

And that’s why, I believe, most days, I wake up truly happy. Genuinely looking forward to whatever the day may bring, without pressure or performative routines that would attempt to fit me into a box that is of my own creation.

And that’s a huge fucking win at this point in my life. Thanks for witnessing it…

I’ll write again soon! Or I won’t. Ya veremos ;)

Besos y Abrazos,

Mamacita Karsonita, aka