Change? Yes, please.

When we set out for Spain, I knew this would be a life altering experience. One that would challenge everything I know about myself, clarify my values, and hopefully soften my edges. Specifically, I wrote in my journal that I wanted to give in to life in Spain— to let myself be open enough to let life here change me in positive ways. At the time, I think I envisioned it having to do with the more surface-level things: we’d start eating dinner at 10pm, we’d dance in the street with the locals, we’d eat tapas and drink wine, and be fluent in Spanish.

What I didn’t think about then, but what I’m clarifying now that we’ve been living here for almost 7 months, are all the deeper shifts that are occurring as a result of the choice that Mitch and I made to move our family here.

My identity now that I’m not teaching yoga for the first time in 15+ years, the way I communicate with my partner and kids as I wade through perimenopause, my relationship with social media, how I show love to “my people” near and far, and the way I show compassion and kindness to myself when I’m tossing and turning at 3am.

Starting over in Spain, I have a unique opportunity to reevaluate everything about myself. I mean, if I can reevaluate the language I’m speaking at any given moment, I can certainly reevaluate whether my perfectionism is serving me or stalling me, if I really do hate anchovies or have just told myself I hate them my entire life, or if I still thrive with checklists and planners and goal-setting, or if they’re stressing me the fuck out and I just really want to be more easy-going.

We all have stories we tell ourselves about who we are, and over time we identify with those stores as facts. But what a thrill the day you question those things and realize you’ve changed and you are so much more than you ever thought you were!

Up until a year ago, I “knew” I was the type of person who could NEVER pick up my family and move abroad. It would be incredible, sure, but I could never do it. And here I am, doing it. I still can’t believe I have come this far.

So I guess what I’m saying is I’m finally open to going deep and getting to know the 45 year old Karson as she is in the beauty and truth of this phase of life. It’s not necessarily easy work, but it’s deeply healing and satisfying.

I’ll close this postcard with this…

I don’t think everyone needs to move abroad to experience true freedom and change. All it takes is a disruption of the status quo, a shift in the routine that can make you see things differently. (That’s why yoga retreats work— they give you space away from your daily life to see it with clearer eyes.) But there is one more thing that’s needed… and that’s the willingness to see what’s there. For me, it’s being willing to sit with my deep sadness when I’m feeling homesick. It’s eliminating one of my biggest distractions/numbing devices (aka social media) for a while, so I can actually sit with what it feels like to be going through a major life change. It’s facing my fear of the ocean and swimming topless in the sea all by myself (which I did on my birthday this year), so I can remember what real freedom feels like :)

So, my prayer continues… May this next chapter in Spain help me become more authentically myself as I am now, and may that include JOY, RELAXATION, COURAGE, and yes, more fun, easy-going moments, Cava, croissants, and skinny dipping in the sea :)