“The number one growing demographic of at-risk kids are teens who come from upper-middle class homes. Why? The more resources they have, the less resourceful they become. Possessions without perspective can lead to real trouble. If I were to do the parenting thing over, I would reward less and rewind more. Instead of giving them all this stuff, I would take the time to debrief experiences and offer perspective on them. Less ribbons and more reality…offered with tender, loving care.”
Tim Elmore, Five Changes I’d Make if I Could Parent Over Again
I once had a funny conversation with an 11-year-old girl.
As we talked about parenting, she matter-of-factly told me:
“My dad was really spoiled growing up, and he says he’s NOT doing that to us because that’s not how the real world works.”
I wanted to high-five this kid and her parents, who have clearly explained why they won’t overindulge her despite having the means to do so. This is an uncommon mentality, and one that deserves attention.
Why? Because we live in age of affluence. We are raising kids in a competitive culture with more upper-middle class families who enjoy higher standards of living and more disposable income than previous generations.
For many families, the pressing question is not “How will we put food on the table?” but rather “How many coaches does Scout need to make the team?” or “Where should we go for Spring Break?”
It’s a different world shaping today’s youth, and finding the right balance between giving and holding back isn’t always clear.
An uber-wealthy woman whose kids are now grown decided early on to not spoil her kids. Her reasoning was this:
Do you know what happens to a tomato when it’s spoils? It rots on the inside. That’s what happens when you spoil your children.
I think she was onto something.
Dr. Madeline Levine is a psychologist who has treated unhappy teens for over 30 years.
And in the early 2000s, she started to notice a new breed of patients.
Traditionally her teen patients looked trouble – they had bad grades, volatile relationships, risky behavior, and terrified parents bringing them to therapy – but these new patients were smart, proficient, and outwardly impressive.
These patients came from good homes, and there was little urgency when their parents brought them in…just a sense that they seemed unhappy or withdrawn.
What Levine soon recognized was a trend spanning the country: children of privilege seeing psychologists in record numbers for emotional distress.
Their successful lives masked their problems because externally they seemed fine – but internally they felt empty.
Levine explored this epidemic in her bestselling book The Price of Privilege: How Parental Pressure and Material Advantage Are Creating a Generation of Disconnected and Unhappy Kids. She wrote:
“The kids I see are given all kinds of material advantages, yet feel that they have nothing genuine to anchor their lives to. They lack spontaneity, creativity, enthusiasm, and most disturbingly, the capacity for pleasure.”
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