Marriage Ain't for Everybody

Dear Readers,

When I write about marriage, I try to be honest about the good, the hard af, and the unvarnished truth about the emotional labor of raising a family. I tell any single person who will listen, “If you want romance, keep the boyfriend. Boyfriends are better! Don’t marry him.” Paying bills and raising kids is the most unsexy thing you can do to a relationship.

Years ago, I asked my husband, “Why can’t you just be my boyfriend? You could have your own place. I’ll have mine. You can come over and visit, and we can travel together.” At the time, he was a really good boyfriend. It’s the stress of day to day life that makes it hard.

He said, he would be my boyfriend when the kids are grown. The kids are 27, 30, and 38. I’m still waiting.

I may have to order a boyfriend, or perhaps a girlfriend, on “Bumble.” I’ve never been on Bumble, but I hear things.

People who have been married before, know the reality of marriage. Yet many especially older generations, continue to perpetuate the guilt-trip that every one should get married. It can be a form of shaming when you say things like, “When are you going to finally settle down.”

As a married woman who bought the conditioning, hook, line, and sinker, when I recognize the guilt-trip and shame placed on the younger generation to hurry up and settle down, I question the logic.

Why? What’s the hurry? How well did marriage work out for you? Twice?

This morning I woke up to a family group text. One of my aunts was sending out a “date night” picture of her son and his girlfriend.

One of the elders in our family replied, “I was hoping this was an engagement announcement.”

My eyes roll so hard! I almost started typing a flippant reply. I’m known for that.

My aunt responds, “I don’t know when, but they are shopping for rings.”

Elder relative replies, “I’m so glad he is finally settling down.”

Elder relative is, guess who? My mother.

My first thought, this is exactly how she got me in this mess! (Not that my marriage is a mess —today. Today it’s good. Well…good is a relative term.)

I’m trying to live in gratitude for the many things my husband does well. Like, he makes the coffee in the morning. Instead focusing on the things he doesn’t do. Like spray for weeds in the yard.

When I was in my twenties, in love with love, and my boyfriend at the time, my mother conditioned me with her religious ideology about marriage. She made it seem like, marriage is the pinnacle of happiness. It’s the only way to settle down and have a happy life. She also pushed me to go into a Business degree instead of becoming an English teacher. Here we are years, later. I’m back to my first love…writing.

American society, Disney movies, romantic comedies, hell, even love songs, also played a part in my romantic views of love and marriage.

Marriage is what I thought needed to be validated. I wanted the happily ever after, bible-based fantasy that I didn’t have growing up with my parents, who were divorced by the time I was seven.

The conditioning is bullshit. When we look at the divorce rate, it’s obviously not happily ever after for most people.

Of course, in my twenties I never questioned the patriarchal systems that are so pervasive in society. I don’t even think I knew the word patriarchy!

I was raised as a Jehovah’s witness. (My first experience in trauma.)

On one of our weekend trips to Palm Springs, I told my girlfriends,“When I get married, my husband will be the head of the household.” They looked at me like I had three eyes. I had no awareness of my third eye, at the time.

“What!? That’s what the bible teaches,” I doubled down. They schooled me on the ridiculousness of it all. Especially since I’m so bossy.

Our marriage had plenty of romance in-between the battles of raising three sons, two, who were diagnosed with autism. We got away for dates, stay-cation weekends, vacations to Jamaica, France, and Italy, without children. Most of this wasn’t until they were older, and I could do some finagling and juggling to get a relative to help.

My husband traveled for business, while I was often home alone with our children. Occasionally, I would join him on a trip. We would sneak away for lunch during the middle of the week when the boys were in school. These escapes were the saving grace for our marriage. There were many beautiful moments. I’ve got the pictures to prove it!

Marriage also full of trade-offs, negotiations, decisions on finances, how to raise and discipline children, and lots of conflict resolution. When you have different communication styles, you were both raised by single mothers, and never had an example of day to day marriage, you end up hard knuckling it.

I’m pretty sure the number of arguments…I mean, “loud, enthusiastic, conversations,” far outweigh the percentage of romance, dates, and vacations. But who’s counting?

One of my nieces is getting married soon. I am elated for her, not only because she found a wonderful partner, but because she has lived her life to the fullest. Their relationship seamlessly assimilates into the life she created for herself. She followed her dreams. Went to film school.

Now, marriage will be a part of her life. They love to travel together. I can’t count all of the countries they’ve traveled all over the world, Japan, Indonesia, New Zealand, Peru, Nepal, Iceland, just to name a few. Not to mention the times she’s traveled and worked in Africa and dozens of locations. The two of them are different and yet, they have so much in common. They seem to compliment each other well.

If you can’t tell, she is one of my heroes!

Erin is in her mid thirties. She’s making a mature, healthy, decision. I admire her for that. I live vicariously through watching her live her life, travel, and do work that lights the fire in her soul.

Over the years, I highly encouraged (damn near hit her over the head) with, “Please don’t get married and have children while you’re building your life the way you want it to look.”

Look at your old auntie, and know that having children will slow down your options. If it doesn’t kill them all together.

I am living some of my options and dreams now. But I’m in my 60’s! I’m still not completely living for myself. I’m living to take care of my mother. I still help my autistic, adult sons. I have to steal away time for myself, instead of being my own first priority.

I don’t know my niece and her husband to be, will have children or not. All I know is that they are happy now. I love her choice to do marriage their way. Hell, there may not even be a wedding for me to get dressed up and go to. They would rather travel and make their home beautiful, than have a big wedding.

I celebrate whatever they choose.

I’m reading two books right now. I wish there was more time in the day to just sit and read for hours. I also wish, I wasn’t so tired that I can only focus for about an hour at time. Perhaps if I quit social media, my attention span and time for reading would be expanded. Pray for me.

I am reading “The Company We Keep” by Alex Elle. I got to go see her in Houston last week for one of her author events.

I’m also reading my friend, fellow autism blogger/mama, author Carrie Cariello’s book titled “Marriage, I Love You (for now)”.

Notice the trend here (for now/marriage is’ good today*). This is how you know this book is an honest depiction. I will be having an author talk with Carrie soon.

Alex’s book is primarily about friendship, deepening our connections, examining whether we are getting the kind of care and love we deserve. Are we being seen and deeply known by our friends? She touches on honest communication. Are we focusing on friendships that are not reciprocal?

I’m reading between the lines, seeing how easily what she has written can be applied to marriage, and dating relationships.

Carrie Cariello’s book is an honest memoir about what it’s like to be married for 26 years, raising 5 children, when one of them is diagnosed with autism. She addresses the not so pretty reality of the reality of “raising unexpected children in a reluctant world.” Like us, Carrie and Joe beat the odds of special needs marriages that end in divorce (80%). They made it! And their kids are thriving.

Both books have me thinking a lot about marriage. We celebrated our 32nd Wedding Anniversary (June 4th). 32 years of love. 32 years of battles and fights I mean, reasonable conversations. It’s hard AF to keep a balance. It requires true intention and dedication to family. Not everyone has that ability, willingness, or sacrifice.

In conclusion, I encourage friends who are single to enjoy your freedom! Settle down, if you must, but please, make a mature, well thought-out decision. Don’t allow society to make you feel as if something is wrong if you don’t get married.

Celebrate your life! Whatever it looks like.

*Full disclosure: The links above for the books are affiliate links, which means I might earn a couple of pennies if you use them.

If I haven’t bored you enough with this post. Here’s the link to an essay I wrote about our 30th Wedding Anniversary, two years ago.

I hope you enjoy…

30 Years of Marriage

·

September 1, 2024

In June of this year, we celebrated out 30th year being married. The amount of work it took to reach this point is extraordinary. Dare I say —monumental?

Your tips on “Buy me a Coffee” and paid subscriptions help me fundraise for my upcoming self-published chapbook. It also will help fund a personal writing retreat, away from home to write without interruption and obligations at home.

Buy Me A Coffee

Another lovely way to support is by sharing this public post with someone who you think would enjoy it. And or/leave me your comments.

Leave a comment