I Don't Need to be Chosen

Recently, I applied to an intensive writing program to help me finish my god-forsaken memoir. I’ve been working on some version of it for more years than I can count. I try to give myself grace because after all, I am the only one who knows the whole truth of what my life looks like from day to day. I know what goes on behind the pretty pictures. I see, hear and feel it all —the good, bad, and ugly truths. Not to mention what does that even mean? How about also, to mention…ADHD. I was finally, late diagnosed a couple of years ago.

Sure…other people with ADHD have finished books. Writing about your life when your life keeps f*@%ing with you is a whole other element to contend with.

I’ve written a lot about my life publicly –for 12 years on a blog. I’m published in a book of essays, on various web sites and publications.

Note to self:

(Put together a formal CV/resume of your writing and education. Launch my web site. Add this to the lists of things I need to do.)

Thousands of people have read my work over the past 15 years. I started here on Substack in July, 2023. And yet, none of my readers know my full story. They know a lot! Maybe more than they should, but there’s still so much story to live and write.

Applying for this writing program helped me remember…

A woman of a certain age doesn’t need to impress, seek approval or permission. The words “please accept me and my work” is no longer a part of my vocabulary. I’m 61. What is meant for me will be, in divine timing. Either you see my value or you don’t. I’m good either way.

No good writing should go to waste. Today, I am sharing my responses to some of the questions in a follow-up email for this writing program. My answers give a snapshot into where I am right now in this chaotic life.

Consider it an update.

You wrote a successful blog for 12 years. Why did you take the blog down? Do you think you might relaunch it?

I took the blog down because it had served its purpose for me, and the many people who read it. I started a support group to go along with it for other parents of kids on the spectrum and for autistic adults. I wrote it during the craziest, most stressful, time in my life. My kids were teenagers through most of that time. They both experienced pretty heavy mental health issues. My mental health was impacted by the chronic stress. Recovery from it required years of therapy.

The blog was raw therapy to help me make it through. I didn’t hold back. I didn’t edit sufficiently. I didn’t attempt to earn a lot of money for it. I was in a state of survival. People loved it because I didn’t sugar coat anything. Our kids grew up and I wanted to focus on something besides them.

I won an essay contest in 2022, and began writing as a contributor for the Hogg Foundation of Mental Health at the University of Texas. Finally being paid for my work made me want more.

I was ready to focus on writing more professionally and about various subjects, like culture, politics, love, friendship. That’s what my Substack publication, “I Write Hard Things,” does for me. It feels like freedom.

I especially love the interaction with readers and writers through Substack. It keeps me grounded in my craft.

I also knew I wanted to write this book, which would encapsulate those years of writing the blog, raising teenagers, but from a different perspective, in hindsight. I wanted a different identity from being just a mom and caregiver.

The title of the blog is, “Confessions of an Aspergers Mom.” Aspergers is no longer a defined diagnosis in the DSM-5. Hans Asperger, who it is named after, was a problematic figure during the Holocaust.

Honestly, I don’t want to be widely associated with his name. I was all over Google’s SEO.

Are you ready to finish your book? Is there anything that could hinder you over the next few months?

Life does keep lifing. My 30 year-old autistic son, lives in California. I’m in Texas. He is still a major stressor in my life. He often kills my energy with one trauma after another. It can feel mentally abusive at times. Strong boundaries between us is a must. I keep writing through it as best I can.

I am also the primary caregiver for my soon to be 87 year-old mother. She is starting to slow down a bit, but she’s still sharp. She lives in a senior apartment around the corner from my house. I have no idea what the future will bring for her life and health. Could that be an interference? It has been for 15 years. She lived ten of them in my house.

I’ve been married for 32 years. Our relationship is on life support. Some version of change is imminent. However, for now, we are partners in life, and we always will be.

Could our relationship be an interference in finishing this project?

Yes. I have been grieving my relationship for the past two years. I’m coming in to a place of peace with the inevitable changes, whatever they may be. For now, we are partners who share life and responsibilities together.

Is your manuscript written?

My manuscript is written, but it’s not solidified or coheseive in one piece. It is saved in documents on my laptop. I have an outline and list of poems, essays, and vignettes that I want to include. It needs to be edited and put into a cohesively for what I believe will ultimately be self-publication, perhaps hybrid or small press.

Do I want to finish?

Absolutely!

Are there obstacles in the way? Absolutely.

I am beyond ready to finish. As life and stressors go on, I hang on for life to my writing.

I have a writing room in my house and all necessary technology ready to go. My son and my husband are my technical advisors. I write something just about every day.

I look forward to seeing if we are the right fit together.

Much love,

Karen

There it is folks. My life right now in one chaotic nutshell. The short form version anyway.

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