hey, i see you there! welcome to my personal blog where i... seem to only journal about my thoughts. it's a difficult world out there, and i hope there's ...
i can't really word this in an elegant, flowery way. bear my incoherent sentence structures it shouldn't be a hard concept to grasp, right? maybe i'm thinking this way because i'm disordered. regardless, someone else out there relates too. it's not like i don't know how it feels like. but i just can't see myself receiving it. i would want and love to, but why does it feel so farfetched? i know i…
it's been about 2 months. i always thought i would be different regarding death and that it wouldn't have much of a toll on me since it never did in the past... but it was such a rough time that it didn't really feel like me. i originally made this blog following the death of a close friend, and an artist i truly loved. it made me put everything into perspective... truly felt like i was reborn…
been a little while! i started medication on the 6th of april, antipsychotics that is. they say it takes a while (couple days to weeks for it to "work), but i hope i feel different soon. i am very curious to see how life will feel like once i live like the average person i'll keep this short i just wanted to log my behavior as i am on the meds. before the 6th i felt a bit nervous? jittery for…
i spent my day with one of my friends today. there was a pop up event for one of the games we play... so i decided to invite him. honestly the event felt kind of a scam but i still enjoyed my time. when we got home though, we decided to play "ready or not" ( which had been on my wishlist since it was in beta ) it's quite fun! it met my expectations! exceeded my expectations. it's a really…
trying to let my diagnosis sink into my brain feels terrifying. like that's really me? i knew it, i've been knowing for years... but at the same time i really didn't want to believe it. but i really needed help. why do i have to suffer? why did my illness become a cool quirky thing to "want"? i'm in hell, dude. schizophrenia and bipolar— or, you know, also known as "schizoaffective" is just one of…
my third blog /ᐠ｡ꞈ｡ᐟ\ ~~ a few days ago i stumbled upon an article on substack 1 (go take a read, it's a very well worded article!!) and i couldn't help but ponder on it for a while. why do people seem to love you in the future, but not in present tense? stuff like " when i'm a better person ", " we'll go at a later time ", " i look forward to doing this with you "— i've heard way too often. can't…
it feels like i live in an alternate reality where nothing ever matters while it's also simultaneously a big deal. it's a big deal for all the wrong reasons . and it's only "important" if they were the person directly dealing with it. does anyone else not see how flawed this logic is? "i have thoughts i'm not supposed to have" "but that's completely normal, you are overthinking it. just suck it…
i think it's better if i blogged at the end of the day, just so i can prevent myself from spamming multiple blogs in a single day. but i'm not entirely sure if i'd even adhere to that. likely not. haha. my thoughts are so overwhelming... it's hard to contain most of them, even if half are later lost to the void. well, now that's out of the way, i am finally medically diagnosed as (bipolar)…