The fear of pausing my astrology business

Loving the Dark Parts is a place where we untangle the parts of life and self that we’ve learned to fear and hide, so we can live a fully expressed and delicious life.

In my last post, I talked about pressing pause on my business. And I almost didn’t even publish it. The first thought that crossed my mind when my little cursor would hover above the “publish” button was that I was putting myself in a position to leave money on the table.

Who in their right mind would do that?

As I was writing the draft I could feel my body relaxing. I knew deep in my bones that what I’ve been doing in my business was no longer fulfilling, so to write it down in words felt like a weight being lifted from my shoulders. It was as if my fingertips typing the words gave my feelings permission to exist. Putting it on the page made it real, and I instantly felt better.

While I felt a great amount of relief to admit to myself that I was no longer happy, when I finished writing I was faced with the reality in front of me. When the words were all on the page there was nowhere left to hide (except for behind the publish button that I couldn’t bring myself to push).

When it came time to publish, I said to myself “do I really need to close my books for astrology readings?” I wanted to keep holding on because it felt safer, even though I knew that wasn’t the truth.

Everything in my body is telling me to surrender, and everything in my mind is telling me to push through and work harder. My eyes see my bank account dwindling and my mind says you need to work, you need to make money like… yesterday, but my body can’t get on board.

And it’s really testing me.

What if someone wants to book a reading and they can’t? Am I letting people down by doing what’s best for me? Is this actually what’s best for me or am I just scared to put in the hard work of running a business like this? What if I say all of this and then change my mind again?1

All of these questions swirled around in my head which led me to almost not telling you at all. Part of me thought I could figure it all out behind the scenes instead of broadcasting it to the world, and the other part of me knew I had to let people know what was going on because I’ve already been trying to sort it out behind the scenes for months now and it wasn’t getting me anywhere. I was stuck between being true to myself and my clients, and being afraid of what would come next: uncertainty.

I knew in my heart that I would have to completely surrender into the uncertainty and let it carry me to what’s next, even if that meant closing my books and removing the opportunity to make money from the readings in the meantime.

I needed to trust that my intuition was guiding me to exactly where I need to be, even if I couldn’t see or map out the full plan and all the details with my logical mind. Scary, I know.

To my surprise, the best part of this trust and courage was the comments, messages, and emails I received in response to that post with people sharing that they’ve been feeling similarly in their own lives.

I was instantly reminded that what I do is not about the money at all—it’s about how I make people feel, what I inspire within them when they witness me following my heart and following through, and in showing others that their dreams are possible (and that it’s okay for you dreams to evolve as you do).

It’s more about how I show up in the world—the actions I take when I think nobody is looking, when in reality everything I do has the possibility of inspiring the actions of someone else who might see it. It’s about integrity and devotion to myself first while continuing to show up for what’s important to me.

Part of me worried about what others would think of me. Maybe they would see me as a failure, a quitter, a fraud that should’ve never started a business in the first place.

But what actually happened was support. People reached out to offer kind words, connection through their own similar experience, and even money. Paid subscribers renewed their subscriptions, new readers found me, and I felt truly connected to myself and my heart because I followed through with what was true within me, even when my brain tried its damndest to tell me a different story.

Thank you.

Not only that, but the stuck energy started moving within me as soon as I pressed publish. I felt lighter, more inspired. Maybe even going as far to say… unblocked?! I felt excited again almost instantly—as if the Universe was laughing at my absurdity and rewarding me for taking my control hungry hands off the wheel for a second.

So if you need a reminder of what can happen when you follow those little (or big) nudges, especially as we approach eclipse season again, here it is. You might not be able to see what’s on the other side, but I’ll bet whatever little money I have left in my bank account that you will thank yourself for keeping your word to yourself and taking action that you know is necessary, even if it’s uncomfortable.