A Thousand Little Choices

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“Particularly was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. And how appallingly true for the alcoholic! For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. If he did not work, he would surely drink again, and if he drank, he would surely die. Then faith would be dead indeed. With us it is just like that.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous pp. 14-15 (Chapter 1: “Bill’s Story”)

I have been a sponsor for well over 20 years. Sponsorship is my main form of service to other alcoholics and alanonics. It is the one thing that saves me from myself over and over again. It is how I have stayed sober for so long. The scores of women who have sat on my couch over the years astonishes even me. But, as with everything else in sobriety, it happened gradually and consistently. Over two decades I have made thousands, perhaps millions, of little choices that have kept me sober and sane. Amidst life’s calamity and constant effort to pull me back, I have trudged forward.

The new person is so important. When we meet someone new to Alcoholics Anonymous or Al-Anon, we have to make them feel welcome. We have to make them feel like they are no longer alone in a hostile and Godless world. It is our most important responsibility in a meeting. I have made a thousand choices to put my hand out and welcome the new man or woman. Why do we always make assumptions that someone else will do this? When I introduce myself and talk to these newcomers, they always share a little bit of their story. And almost always does the story include how family and work are trouble—and how they have ruined both. People are hurt. Trusts are broken. They also share just how grateful they are to be in an AA meeting. But they also share how scared they are to be there. That they have no idea what is going on. That they need to know about other meetings to attend. That they need ride information. They know nothing about A.A. or Al-Anon and our attitude needs to be the one of the Al-Anon Declaration: “Let it begin with me. When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, let the hand of Al-Anon and Ala-Teen be there, and let it begin with me.”

I no longer have the choice to be selfish and self-centered. The meeting is no longer about me and has not been since I was new. The meeting is about helping the next suffering person. And Bill Wilson got that. He believed what Ebby told him above. He had to pass on the message of recovery so freely given to him. We must do the same. Every hand out to the new guy or girl is a possible new sponsee—someone to help. This is significant. I have found it completely easy to find new people to sponsor, and this is perhaps why.

The women who have sponsored me over the years have been such a gift. They believe in the work and self-sacrifice. They have consistently modeled this for me. So many powerful phone conversations, so many meaningful inventories shared, so much love all the time. They do it for other alcoholics but they also do it for their own recovery. They do it because it’s required. They do it because they take this thing seriously—this deadly disease. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to die of alcoholism. Bill gives us a very stern warning in his story. If I choose not to work with other alcoholics, the future is not at all promising. In fact, I may not have a sober future at all. If I drink, I die. And that death will be a slow burn. The spiritual death will come first. I will drink because of that. Then the physical death. The truth is that what this program offers as a result of constant work and self-sacrifice for others is life itself. I don’t have to die of alcoholism. Isn’t that gift enough? Can God break through my selfishness long enough for me to see this?

I do not perfect and enlarge my spiritual life by sitting in meetings. I do, however, perfect and enlarge my spiritual life by putting my hand out to the newcomer or the oldtimer who is struggling. Before and after the meeting is where much of the magic in Alcoholics Anonymous happens.

I do not perfect and enlarge my spiritual life solely by prayer, reading my literature, and meditation. The qualifier Bill gives above about perfection is significant: it has to be through self-sacrifice for others. I must be alleviated of the bondage of self. This self will kill me and almost did before I got to A.A. and then later to Al-Anon. Yes, reading my books, prayer, and meditation are extremely important to my program. But so is answering the phone. Answer the damn phone! Newcomers and oldtimers who are struggling will reach out. Who will be there to answer their call? I believe talking to another alcoholic and alanonic and listening to their story is one of the most spiritual things I do. That connection to another human being, that they feel listened to—heard. So significant.

Today my life in sobriety and Al-Anon recovery looks much the same as it did in the beginning. Just the number has changed. I just have more years now of doing the same thing. This week is a great example of this beautiful and mundane sober life.

I began the week Sunday just finishing up my chores. My friend from the meeting, who has been calling me recently, reached out by text. She called. She was in the hospital. I asked if she wanted a visitor. I asked her if she would like anything. And I went and sat with her for a couple of hours.

Then meetings Monday and Wednesday morning. Going to see my parents who were visiting at my brother’s. Celebrating a birthday milestone with my nephew the same day. Working with my sponsee after a long day at work Tuesday. More phone calls from alcoholics and alanons. Wednesday having my parents to my house overnight, sharing meals, playing games, enduring a severe storm. And then driving them to the airport Thursday because I suddenly didn’t have to work that day. Self-sacrifice. I love how I am sacrificing myself when I do these things, because that same self is out to kill me one day. Then another meeting Friday morning and the opportunity to spend the day with someone special to me.

It is busy. It is purposeful. It is intentional.

The sober life is the hundreds and thousands of little choices we make that build into days, months, and years. Each choice is a yes or a no. We say yes when the ego says no. We go even when we want to stay home. We answer. We engage. We show up and stay late. We meet. We study. We take time with God. We journal. We cry. We feel. We experience.