Racist, Sexist, Intolerant, Fascist

You’re a pretty self-reflective person. You apologize when you’re in the wrong. You take responsibility where you’ve fallen short. You examine your motives adequately.

You’re the perfect target.

It’s a good thing that you want to look at the “part you played” in a conflict with a friend or family member. It’s a benefit that you want to keep “your side of the street clean.” But your self-examination has to have a limit. The fact that you don’t have a limit makes you a mark.

If you have kids (or were a particularly clever kid), you will recognize the following story.

A friend of mine (let’s call her Sally) has a clever kid (let’s call him Billy). When Billy was little, he frequently got in trouble at school. Nothing serious, just things that annoyed the teachers.

One day, when Billy was about eight, the school administrators called Sally and her husband (let’s call him Dan) into the office. They wouldn’t tell Billy’s parents what it was about beforehand. Once seated in the office, the parents faced not only the lower school headmaster, but also Billy’s teacher and the school psychologist. Full court press.

The school psychologist started with an officious and grave tone. She took papers out of a dedicated orange folder, and then took a deep breath before starting.

“There has been an accusation placed… by Billy… with regards to the both of you.”Sally and Dan had expected to hear yet another report of Billy’s behavior, and not that this meeting was about them.

“What do you mean?” said Dan.

The school psychologist put her hands down on her papers, and gave a look to the headmaster.

The headmaster then said to the parents, “We have not called Child Services yet. We’re holding off for now.”

Sally and Dan were baffled. Beyond reminder swats to the kids’ bottoms for openly defying them in the home, they had never hit any of their three children.

The school psychologist looked at them seriously. “Billy tells us that his father chases him down the hallway, pins him down, and repeatedly hits him in the head.”

Sally and Dan were shocked. Nothing remotely close to this had ever occurred.

Sally spoke first. “That’s ridiculous. That never happened.” More looks are exchanged between the school psychologist, the headmaster, and the teacher.

Dan adds, “I never did that. It just never happened.”

The teacher pipes up now. “Well, children rarely lie about this kind of thing.”

It’s here that Sally leans back in her chair, the entire situation having come into focus.

“Let me ask you a question,” Sally says to the teacher. “Was Billy in trouble for something right before he told you this story?”

The teacher looks at Sally, a bit surprised. “Well, yes.”

“And after he told you this story, you stopped focusing on his infraction, am I right?”

“Well, of course, because…” The sound of the teacher’s voice drifted off.

Sally paused a moment, and then, “If you don’t mind my saying —and I know you deal with hundreds of kids every year—but you’ve been played.”

The accusing trio were puzzled, and not quite ready to put this accusation down.

Sally continued. “Billy did something wrong in class, and instead of taking his punishment, he made the kind of accusation that he knew would deflect all attention from him. He obviously knew from listening to the teachers or hearing something on TV, that this was the accusation that most gets teachers’ attention. So, he used it.”

There was nothing more for the trio to say.

Because Sally and Dan knew there wasn’t a shred of truth in this accusation and it was simply borne of Billy’s desire to escape attention on his trouble-making, they didn’t do any self-examination or try to find some way they “might have contributed” to this accusation. They clocked the administration as easily-manipulated (in spite of their many years’ experience with hundreds of students) and moved on.

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The trouble with much of the American population in the last ten years is that when someone tries to accuse them of “racism,” “sexism,” “fascism,” and all the other -isms, they then start looking at themselves, instead of recognizing the claim is incorrect and just moving on. They don’t understand these accusations for what they are: false suggestions meant to distract you from looking at the accuser and what they themselves are doing. It’s the equivalent of catching a kid doing something wrong, only to hear back “You don’t love me anymore!” Suddenly, the problem is no longer that of the kid breaking a vase, but rather of a mother who does not love a small child enough.

If you are practiced enough or simply wiling enough to self-examine, you are at risk of losing perspective of the whole situation. You must have the spine to look the accuser in the eyes and say, “I see what you’re doing. I am none of those things,” and move on.

Otherwise, you will continue to unnecessarily absorb every single false accusation.

Instead, be like Sally and Dan, and know when you’re being played.