I don’t deserve the good things, and you happened to be the best of them.

When I’m always stuck in the darkness, I wonder if I’ll become a part of the unseen or be grateful if I see a little bit of exposure to light. Will I have the courage to walk on it and seek the presence of the sun, or will I give up and just sit there for the rest of my life? I barely couldn’t see anything.

My dreams were shattered, my worth suddenly vanished, and the only one that kept me alive despite it all was ruined by my words. It was you.

You walked into my life like a ball of sunlight, shining every visible ray on me. The kind of radiance that didn’t blind me, a gleam that finds a way to make my dreams a reality, such brightness keeps on telling me that it’s going to be alright. You were too good to be true, yet you’re here, proving to me that I could feel something I didn’t know I deserved.

Why were you one of them? One of the good things I know, and you happened to be the best of them.

I don’t know how to hold any of it. The last time I did, it ended up being shattered, no matter how gentle my hands could be. No matter how much I cherish the moments we have, it always occurs to me that it will inevitably end. And you… You deserve all the good things, and I believe that it will not come from me.

I don’t have any idea on how to dwell on laughter, on lighthearted conversations, and happiness as a whole. As much as I want to give what I have for you, my mind keeps on reminding me of where I belong.

To let go, to watch you walk away, and to wish you a good life without me.

When the path towards my dreams has grown thorns that made my feet hurt for walking on it, you’re the one who cleared the way. When everyone’s eyes echo numerous judgments about my life, you’re the one who shut it down. When every place feels unsafe for me, I wonder, you’re the one who silently protected me. When every person I know saw me as an object, your presence made me feel that you’re the only one who will embrace me in your arms and gently kiss me on my forehead.

Sometimes I wonder why we have to meet at such a wrong time. If there’s anything I could do to make it better, I was always reminded of what would haunt me. I see them in my sleep, I see them in people’s gestures, and I see them in people’s faces. I can’t drag you down together with me; you’re the only best thing that’s ever happened to me.

With a wishful thinking that we’ll meet each other again, I’ve let the rain pour down as I bid my farewell. You were never my backup plan; you were the aspiration I intend to keep — in the safest way I know.

Date written: February 28, 2025

I am Cloud and I write personal essays, poems, and reflections about life in general. This piece is published under a section named “Cumulus” under my publication, “To all the words I couldn’t utter,” This section gathers writings on love in its many forms — from joy and tenderness to ache, heartbreak, and the spaces where we yearn.