I'm so ecstatic to be alive.

The fruit of life has been giving. I’m taking in each seed and letting it seep through my soul. I count down the minutes to lay in bed at the end of the day and feel the joy of satisfaction. What I have lived these last couple weeks has left me with a seeping attitude of pure gratitude. My brutal soul has recognized such gentleness in others.

It’s been a difficult year. I have a hard time navigating my emotions. I let them simmer and explode, this year I’m doing so differently. I navigate them cautiously and with care. I’ve been giving into my urges and impulses that only have the willingness to affect me. I’ve been less selfish in how I move. I know I don’t owe much to others but part of me likes the duty of caring no matter how hard sometimes it feels. I hold onto control but I let go. Life isn’t about protecting yourself it’s about allowing the growth to flourish within you.

Let me give you the rundown as to why my inner presence has been satisfied by my impulsive urges. Two weeks ago, I felt unsatisfied. There was a lack of closure on intimate parts of my life; friendships. A cherished friendship I let go of long ago; I reopened the wound. I reached out to the girl, the one I lost as a factor of my worst friendship breakup. We met up and worked things out and picked the pace from where we left off. It’s an intimate friendship; soul level love. A wound worth reopening and healing. I’ve seen her a few times since.

I shared a desire with the boy I’ve been seeing (I wanted an eyebrow piercing). He told me I didn’t need one, I shouldn’t. He didn’t say it maliciously. One thing about me is that I will act on my impulses. His opinion of my being just emphasized what I truly wanted. I wanted that piercing. One day at work, I told my coworker and him and I drove to the tattoo shop the same day. I got my eyebrow, he got his and a septum. It was fun and it made me feel good for being able to fulfill such desire easily. It’s given me such great confidence.

On Tuesday morning, I had no plan. I woke up, had breakfast and saw a movie at the theater by myself. I saw A Big Bold Beautiful Journey, it was only me and another gentleman in the theater. I sobbed, he sobbed. The two lonely birds watching a stereotypical mediocre film sobbing by themselves in a theater at 10 am, how pathetic. I cherished every second.

That same night, I decided I wanted to begin taking ballet classes. I danced for a very long time in the youngest days of my youth. It was something I wanted to revisit. The desire to move my body to music in an obligatory and professional way. The longing desire to stretch my feet and strengthen the legs that lead my path. I signed up. I took my first class Tuesday. I was determined. The woman at the counter asked me if I would like to take a trial class before officially starting, she introduced me to the professor. I knew then, I was going to stay. Upon glaring at the corner of my eye at the delicate ballerina sitting beside me. She was tall and slim; elegant and professional. I didn’t have a doubt. She had an authoritarian nature. She was for me. I took the class and fell in love with her structure.

That same night after my class I indulged in a walk with the boy I’ve been seeing. We walked around the park, talked and kissed. At times such dynamic feels complicated but there’s something so juvenile and admirable about a connection so uncertain. The issue might be seemingly me, enjoying the crush-like nature of something that has been going on for six months. Why not enjoy what’s in front of you while it lasts? Why demand more of uncertainty if it’s an enjoyable dynamic? I went home at 1 am and peacefully slept through the night.

I’ve had fleeting thoughts of my ex. Daydreams, what does it mean to let go? Am I growing? Am I holding onto what was or what could’ve been? Is my fear of knowing he has found someone just a projection of my guilt or is it a fear that I will forever be blocked access to him? I wonder at times what my first kiss is up to and even though the thought of him with someone else is not desirable to me. I have such possessiveness and indulgence to control. I don’t need it. So, I let go.

I saw One Battle After Another twice in a week. It had me thinking of extremist ideology and fascism. It had me deeply bothered at the idea of power and control, and a sense of community and fitting in. It made me reflect in who I am. Still processing.

I woke up today, Thursday morning and chose to let my life flow. There was barely any coffee. I texted my friend I was thinking of visiting a coffee shop she told she was thinking the same, so off we went. Enjoyed each other’s company in the early morning, conversed about life. I saw a man with a bun journaling outside the coffee shop. A very attractive man. The funniest thing is weeks ago I saw that same man walk past me and giving me one of the most extreme glances. I told my friend I wish I would see him again. And there he was, at the same coffee shop I was on a random Thursday morning. Life works in mysterious ways and those are the things worth investing in.

After she left, my other friend messaged me. We went to the mall and the bookstore, where I saw my old boss who I miss dearly. She has the brightest smile. I see her as a mentor especially when it comes to embracing and understanding my own culture. I miss having her around.

We then got lunch, sat at the park and walked around. He dropped me off at my house. I read, showered, sent a letter in the mail and ate dinner. I wrote this to you. Sometimes the smallest and “unworthy” moments of your life are those the most sacred in your foundation.