When Dan and I were raising our two kids (now in their mid-twenties), we were genuinely shocked at how the fairytales and lullabies of our childhoods were sad or downright scary. Take for example:
the song, “Molly Malone” about a woman who “dies of a fever and no one could save her” then goes on to haunt her village, or
“Rock-a-bye Baby” where an infant is in a cradle up in the treetops and comes crashing to the ground,
not to mention the entire Brothers Grimm story oeuvre which is filled with evildoers, gruesome acts, and death.
We didn’t want our kids to be afraid that there was evil, despair, or death in the world (particularly not at bedtime!) so, night after night, we would adjust lyrics and plot endings so that our kids didn’t have to contend with big feelings.
Good parenting? Turns out, um, no. When you sanitize a “Brothers Grimm” fairy tale, such as Hansel and Gretel (the brother and sister team abandoned by their parents and trapped by a witch who end up engineering their own safety), you’re inadvertently impeding your child’s emotional and problem-solving growth regardless of how thoughtful and well-intentioned your edits may be.
I’d wager it’s a potent combo of love, protection, and fear. We love our kids, so why would we want them to see or hear anything disturbing? We want to protect them, so why let them experience any evidence that harm could come a child’s way? And we’re afraid of the feelings they might have in response to the story, and whether we will be able to console them. For the sake of all of us, it feels safest to change the lines.
Teaching real danger: Stories with scary moments show children that the world contains dangers, helping them build awareness, instincts, and caution.
Presenting skills: Strong characters teach children that you can be resourceful, inventive, clever, self-reliant, and courageous.
Proving good wins: Often, although not always, there is a happy ending, teaching that in the end good will triumph over evil.
Processing fear: Frightening tales let kids face big, deep fears safely from a distance.
Preserving morals: Harsh consequences teach moral lessons about the type of behaviors that save you versus harm you.
Therefore, while by sanitizing these stories and songs we may achieve a short-term gain (protection, safety), the long-term pain is our kids are deprived of the opportunity to develop the skills and resilience that would build naturally if we exposed them to this stuff.
If you think about it, many of the greatest heroines and heroes in children’s literature and in our stories more broadly are orphans. (Think Oliver, Pippi Longstocking, Anne (of Green Gables), Jane Eyre, Mowgli, Luke and Leia in Star Wars, most of the superheroes, Anna and Elsa in Frozen, Hamilton, and of course, Harry Potter.) The character has a sad start to life leading to tough and perhaps even dire living conditions, but from that rough place the character develops the skills necessary to construct what ends up being a pretty bad-ass life. Through these stories not only is the reader at times on the edge of their seat, the main character is, too. Therefore instead of having to teach your child a lesson about self-reliance, resourcefulness, or courage, these amazing main characters teach these lessons for you.
Read It (or Sing It)
Control the pace: Stop reading or close the book if the distress becomes too much and proceed with the steps below mid-book if needed.
Share Reactions
Ask what scared them: Find out which part of the story felt too frightening.
Let them talk: Give your child time to share their thoughts without interrupting.
Validate feelings: Say that it is normal to feel scared by a wicked witch, dragon, or dark forest.
Focus on the ending: Point out how the heroes beat the danger and returned to safety.
Separate Fact from Fiction
Remind them the story is made-up: Explain that stories are made up to take us on adventures to teach us things.
Clarify: Name any scary elements that do not exist in the real world such as witches or magic.
Offer Reassurance
Confirm their safety: Tell your child they are safe in your home and you are there to protect them.
Keep talking: Bring up the topic later in a calm moment to see how they feel.
Whether you changed song lyrics or story details in order to protect your kids from tough things, or you instinctively knew that was not the right way to go, comment below with your experience.
If someone in your life is raising littles, share this with them by clicking the “share” button up top.
xo
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