My beloved and I are on the Northern California coast celebrating our 34th wedding anniversary. We’ve been there and done that, so we’ve got a few tips for anyone trying to make love work and last.
Don't get me wrong, we’ve hit speed bumps and had to downshift before accelerating again. Just to name a few examples:
The challenges of children. At our 10th anniversary celebration (a catered dinner with family and friends in our backyard), we were emotionally distant from one another because by then we had an infant and a toddler and over the past year we’d had very little time to focus on “US.” We had to find our way back to each other.
The challenges of identity changes. Around our 20th anniversary, I realized I was attracted to women and Dan was the first person I told. He gave me permission to date so that I could explore that identity. Then Dan began to do the same. At first I found it scary to move from monogamy to ethical non-monogamy, but ultimately it resulted in tremendous growth for us as individuals and for our love and partnership. By our 25th, we both identified as bisexual and queer. In recent years, I’ve shifted my gender identity from she/they to they/them. These identity shifts did not diminish our connection to each other, in fact they made for an even more committed bond. We’d been together since we were 19 and 20 so we made room for the fact that each of us could grow but it didn’t mean we had to grow apart. The 2019 song “Grow as We Go” by Ben Platt became an anthem for us.
The challenges of work. We’ve both changed jobs and even careers a number of times. Income has at times been high and at times low. We’ve pivoted accordingly, each interested in the other getting what they need out of career, profession, vocation.
The challenges of time. Smooth skin and baby faces became wrinkles and the lines of time. As my favorite duo the Indigo Girls have written, With every lesson learned a line upon your beautiful face / we’ll amuse ourselves one day with these memories we’ll trace.
Today, Dan and I are in the midst of our 38th year in love while celebrating our 34th year of state-sanctioned partnership (aka marriage). Together, we forged a profound adoring commitment that has been mutual, committed, and worth it. Here are some things we credit for the strength of our enduring bond:
Sharing responsibilities 50/50 from earning money, to being with the kids, to doing the work of the house, to managing the stuff of life – we’ve done a good job of not letting the burden fall on just one person.
Saying I love you multiple times a day.
Appreciating each others’ assets and facets on a dry-erase board in the bathroom where we write comments to each other from the mundane to the juicy to the profound.
Treating intimacy like superglue and prioritizing mutuality in pleasure.
Taking semi-annual “Love Trips” when raising our kids, which meant going away without them for two nights every six months, starting when the eldest was a baby and lasting until we became empty-nesters.*
Holding hands in public because small constant touch – no matter who is around or what you’re doing – is a different kind of intimacy.
Committing that we cannot NOT talk about things, so we don’t let disagreements or weird vibes fester for even a day.
Giving each other grace and assuming the best of intentions.
To make room for each of us to grow as we go, we treat each other like partners not property. We know life is finite. We feel deeply fortunate to have found each other way back when and to have been wise enough to have committed to each other even while being so young. Each of us wants the other to lead their best life, whatever that may mean, and we have confidence that it never means leaving the other. Today our commitment is to be with each other “no matter what” while giving the other the freedom to be who they are.
Arguing not to win but to understand, forgive, repair, and grow.
Learning each others’ love languages. He likes touch. I like words. We got great at support, encouragement, celebration, and repair when we began to speak each others’ love languages.
Knowing that being in love over time takes work, and that the work is what it means to be in relationship.
*I credit our Love Trips for saving our relationship when our kids were young.
If you’ve had a successful love over time, comment below with something you’ve done to make it so.
xo
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