Patriarchy emergency plan

Our August break continues with a bit of satire I wrote in Holly Starley’s fabulous workshop, Get Weird. It’s a “hermit crab,” using the shell of my workplace’s emergency plan. Enjoy!

Severe weather sheltering

• Seek shelter at the lowest level of the hierarchy (e.g., as a barista, kindergarten teacher, health care worker, house cleaner, or migrant farmhand), in a job with no windows, no exit doors, and no glass ceiling.

• You should smile more. Turn that frown upside down.

Evacuation

• Immediately leave using the nearest exit — become a TikTok’er, podcaster, homesteader, or WWOOF around Central America.

• Do not use elevators, as they will lock down tighter than the Dobbs Decision.2

• If you are unable to evacuate, seek a location that provides refuge, like your imagination or a fugue state, and call your best friend to alert them to your location. To avoid surveillance, use telepathy.3

• Go directly to the designated assembly point on the newly gerrymandered map.

• Once the evacuation is over, you will have to return to the building. Sorry not sorry.

• Why are you wearing that? You’re just asking for trouble.4

Active shooter

Welcome to the Active Shooter Society (ASS), America’s least exclusive and most expensive club. Membership is random and involuntary and there’s nothing we can do about it, so quit whining.

• RUN: your mouth at every opportunity. Share your truth, even if doing so causes snowflakes to shut down and right-wingers to dox you. When you get to safety, call your best friend or 911, but remember what we said before about 911.

• HIDE: your rage. If it is not safe to run your mouth, hide your true feelings until the all-clear sign is given by bell hooks’ ghost. Lock/secure your grief and contempt, turn off the constant stream of bad news, silence electronic devices, and stay away from predators and their enablers. If you cannot find a room big enough to hide your rage, stuff as much of it as possible behind a large immovable object like your ex.

• FIGHT: As a last resort, be prepared to fight. Yes, we know you’ve been fighting since you first drew breath. Feel free to use any available item that could double as a weapon: your voice, the written word, interpretive dance, public policy, the law, or a fire extinguisher, until police arrive. JK, the police won’t believe you.

Access or functional needs

• You should feel empowered to share your need for assistance during an emergency to a colleague, peer, or staff member, and of course everyone on your social media feeds.

• Be specific about the type of assistance you may need during an emergency, e.g., a shoulder to cry on, a couch to crash on, bail money, legal aid, a betterhelp account.

• Scan the QR code or read any Rebecca Solnit essay for more information.5

Each season, we donate 30% of paid subscriptions to a worthy environmental cause. This season, it’s Indigenous Climate Action. They envision a world with sovereign and thriving Indigenous Peoples and cultures leading climate justice for all. Track past and current recipients here.

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