This is a newsletter from July 28, 2021, long before I was on Substack. I thought it would be fun to revisit some old, wonderful memories. <3
Hi. I’m Walter. I’m an eight week old Havanese puppy who has moved in with Julia and Clark Kent to make sure they don’t do stupid things in their life.
Turns out I have my work cut out for me.
Like how they make me sleep in a crate. Hah! Within two nights I trained the one with the deep voice to come play with me from two a.m. to six a.m. I have determined the weaker of the two within forty-eight hours.
This is going well so far.
I’ve had a chance to look over some of the new books Julia’s writing, and I have to say, her depiction of animals in her books is a bit… wanting. Chuckles the cat in her Shopping series is #lifegoalz. I wonder if he’s taking on a protege.
But that gerbil in the Random series… we need to talk. Poor kid.
Her newest series is one I think she says she’s not talking about with readers (so maybe I shouldn’t mention it, but I’m a puppy and can do bad things and get away with it because I’m adorable), but it features a golden retriever named Jester. I mean, come on… Jester?
Walter is a way cooler name than that. Whew. Dodged a bullet.
Who names a dog JESTER? Thank goodness Julia’s grandfather’s name was Walter, and her dad’s middle name is Walter, too.
The mid-ranking humans (she calls them her older two children, but I call them Secret Snack Givers) in this house seem to think I’m named after some children’s book called Walter the Farting Dog, but that can’t be right. Who would be so cruel?
I’m sniffing her hands as she bangs on these little stones that make light flashes, and at this exact moment, Julia is writing parts of a book called Shopping for a Turkey. Chuffy (WHAT A GREAT NAME) is doing something to the turkey at Thanksgiving that is making him get “bad dog” comments from the humans, which is bad.
But I bet it tastes good.
Anyhow… just introducing myself. You’ll hear a lot from me from today, going forward.
Just like the Kent Family hears from me every night, from 11pm to 7am.
I have a LOT to say!
With love and whining,
Walter
Three weeks later, Walter had more to say, on August 17, 2021:
I am living in a dictatorship.
I should be living in a dogtatorship, but no….
Julia and Clark don’t like my diet of electrical cords, Boggle game cubes, and boxes of tissues, but I don’t understand. Isn’t a high-fiber diet good for mammals?
This first month with them has gone by in a blur, but I think I’m understanding how this works.
They have all the power, unless I sit on my back legs, tilt my head adorably, and look up at them.
I can get away with anything if I do that.
Every morning, their youngest child climbs on the future and shouts, “Don’t eat my feet!!” which is a super fun game. If I understand the rules right, the game goes like this:
He comes out of his bedroom in the morning, looks at me denning under the counter, and screams, “Walter isn’t in his pen!” and slams the door. That’s my cue that the game has begun.
The oldest child goes into his bedroom and coaxes the younger out, which is my cue to jump up on the little one over and over until he runs away again.
Finally, the youngest is so weak from hunger that he ventures out into the living room to reach the kitchen, but jumps on the couch to avoid me.
Which is obviously my invitation to jump up on the couch, too.
New territory! YAY! I must claim it by peeing on it!
I learned that by listening to one of Julia’s books in her Shopping series. Chuckles the cat pees on everything, and he’s my hero, so…
Overall, everyone here is very nice, but I’m still waiting to be allowed to sleep on the bed with them. Julia says that’ll be a cold day in hell, so I’m not sure when that happens, but Clark just smirked and kept his mouth shut when she said that.
Clark says I’ve imprinted on Julia, and he also says that while she’s the hammer dropper when it comes to their kids (do hammers taste good? Because I eat anything people drop), she’s a marshmallow when it comes to me.
Do marshmallows taste good? Please send me one to try.
Julia finished a new book, called Eternally Complicated, and everyone celebrated by eating Asian takeout and a bunch of stuff called ice cream. Someone let me try chicken and I’m pretty sure I licked a hole in my stainless steel bowl. SO GOOD! If you ever get a chance, try chicken!
The Secret Snack Giver is coming at me with the leash, so time to wag my tail really hard and go outside and collect ticks on my face.
Next time I write, I’ll tell you How to Vomit In the Car Carrier on the Way to the Place Where They Steal All Your Hair with the Vibrating Monster.
Bark!
Walter
p.s. I love this fuzzy chew toy you can sleep on.
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