On Dating, Health Journeys & the Capacity for Relationships

On our first date, we sat looking at the sushi menus in front of us. I asked him if there were any foods he didn’t eat since we had decided to share.

“Not really, I’m just trying to eat healthy,” he said.

I had also been on a health kick recently, but it was more due to starting the egg freezing process. Something I wasn’t necessarily planning to share right away.

“Me too,” I said. Even though I had decided to stay vague, I asked him more questions. “Why have you been eating healthier?”

“Well, I just beat cancer,” he said.

There it was, hanging in the air, five minutes into our date.

“So now I want to make my body as healthy as possible to get it strong again,” he continued. “I’m just focused on living as well as I can, and doing whatever makes me happy.”

I nodded slowly. I told him I could relate. Even those my health issues were different, I shared how they had completely altered my perspective on life.

Before we had even gotten our appetizers, we shared our desire to live as fully as possible and our distrust of doctors. I was struck by how easy it was to talk to him, and I realized it was largely due to the fact that I had been able to be honest about myself and my health right away.

Normally, with dates, I still shared this part of myself, but braced for the inevitable moment where they would respond with a “Oh, damn, that sucks,” followed by an uncomfortable silence I tried to quickly wave away.

“Well, I’m okay now, so don’t worry,” I’d say, to make the date feel normal again.

But none of that had to happen. There was no hiding. Just shared vulnerability and lots of medical trauma. For once, I felt fully open to be myself and hadn’t felt that way in a long time. He walked me home and showed me a recent impressive sculpture he had made in pottery class of his face.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked me.

I was just getting over a cold, and knew he was probably immunocompromised. I told him that we should probably wait, but I did want to kiss him. He nodded.

“Thanks for telling me,” he said. “If you’re feeling better tomorrow, can I come see you and kiss you?”

“Sure,” I said, smiling.