Migration, guilt and new beginnings

Whenever you migrate to a new place, you let some part of you die. Living in a new country means new ways of communicating, different words that you will use, in many cases using a new language, different transportation means.

While some part of you dies, another one is born. New culture, new way of doing different things, a different way of thinking, a different way of approaching strangers. Two kisses to greet a person you just met might turn into a handshake or just waving with your hand.

A funny thing happens when you leave the country where your mother gave you birth and saw you grow up in your early years. This experience is probably way different if you migrate while being under age.

I left Spain for good after I finished high school, just after turning eighteen. It’s been over ten years since I last lived there.

When coming back, you see everything from a distance. Social interactions and situations that you observe with extreme curiosity. Thinking, okay so I belong here because I have this nationality right? You don’t see life anymore in terms of “this is normal”. Because nothing is anymore. There are just different ways of doing things.

It is awesome to break all those boxes that inevitably you are put into when growing up. It is even more extreme when you spend around three years without a home, going around. Seeing complete different situations. From going to a mosque in Kuala Lumpur where women are fully covered while praying, where there are signs in the metro of not kissing in public, to a beach in Kota Kinabalu where no one is bathing. Then some months later, you are in Brazil, at a party where there is funk playing and people are moving their bodies in wild ways, very close to one another. At the beach, people wear the tiniest bathing suits, swim and play altinha, which is a game where everyone is in a circle hitting the ball with their feet before it touches the ground.

What is normal? Nothing. Nothing is. And everything is. So pick and play. The whole point is to try to be conscious about others and about yourself.

Another point that I want to bring into this equation is community. How important it is. When you live in a constant of starting from scratch over and over, you live in a constant goodbye. As the species of Homo sapiens that we are, we need each other. Otherwise, we wouldn’t be here, we would have been exterminated in the wild without communities.

I have many introverted friends. In the software developer world sometimes it seems that to say “I hate people” is the thing that cool kids say. I have felt guilty for feeling sad of being on my own for multiple days in a row with little to no human interaction.

Guilt, what a word, what a feeling. Guilt and shame. Probably you know those very well. They come by our side more often than we would like to. We didn’t invite them in, but there they are in the passenger seat. Often taking the steering wheel without asking for permission.

I took the decision to liberate myself from some of those loads I was carrying around. It is something that you do like many important things in life, one step at a time. You can’t pretend to rewire yourself up in one day, even though your intentions are good.

Travel has given me more than I can imagine. It feels scary to stay. The weekend was semi-sad. I started to realize that my constant travel days are not going to be present anymore and while I see the beauty in many ways for that, there is some part of me that is in a grieving phase.

My friends in Germany were celebrating a birthday, they were all together. I was thinking of that, of what I am missing out. There were different personal situations that were making me feel sad. At the same time, my new housemates were extremely lovely. They helped me organize the furniture in my room. They gave me nice ideas. That felt like a hug.

Sunday evening was even better. I went with a friend to a salsa and bachata dance event. It was in the park. The weather was warm. And I danced. And I loved it. Because dancing often feels like flying for me. I love to feel the synergy that happens when you are in connection with a person that you might have just met. Maybe you don’t even share a common language. I had awesome dance partners. It was extremely fun. And I went back home having a very nice long walk while talking to a friend on the phone.

Have a good week.

I love you very much world,

Julia