Whose life is harder? Who has it better? Being a full-time stay-at-home mom? Being a full-time working mom? Being a stay-at-home mom who works in the margins of naps and nighttime? Having a paid village? Not having one? Having one on Tuesdays and Thursdays?
It’s the age-old debate that keeps popping up in essays on Substack, under a mom’s day-in-the-life video, through unsolicited comments from your neighbor Peggy, and apparently, even from LeBron James. And funny how the mom usually gets the brunt of opinions… even though it takes two to tango, buddy.
If you have to go back to work and leave your baby and it breaks your heart every day, that’s hard. If you have no option but to stay home with no village, no break, and no financial breathing room, that’s also hard. And if you’re somewhere in between — working, mothering, and feeling pulled in every direction — that’s hard too.
But lack of agency isn’t the only thing that makes a life difficult. “Hard” is deeply personal. We all have different capacities, needs, support systems, finances, relationships, children, and nervous systems carrying it all. Toss in whether your little one has low sleep needs or you simply haven’t slept well in months (or years), then every version of motherhood feels heavier regardless.
What feels fulfilling to one mom might feel isolating to another. What feels like freedom to one might feel like an impossible sacrifice to someone else. So, unless you are that person, living inside their life… you’ll never know!
Sometimes I’m overwhelmed and think, Well, my sister-in-law has six kids. What right do I have to feel like this is hard with one? And then on the other side of it, I'll hear a friend say their baby woke up three times last night and they're so exhausted… and I think, oh dang, only 3x?! That's a good night for me. 😅
So, it’s all relative. We can only speak from the reality we’re currently living.
I only know what it feels like to mother my one unique child — just like I only know what it feels like to do it while working from home, in this season, with this specific support.
If we have a second, I’m sure there will be days when I look back longingly at the quiet of having “just one.” And I’m sure there will also be moments when I watch them play together and think, Ohhh. This is really nice.
So when a mother shares her experience, we let her.
No matter the setup, whether you're stay-at-home, work-from-home, corporate mama, or whatever combination you're piecing together — motherhood asks so much of us, and so much of that labor is invisible. The planning, remembering, anticipating, soothing, researching, packing, scheduling, waking, worrying... all these tiny things keeping a family moving that rarely get noticed unless they stop happening.
And if you already feel unseen or unsupported in your life, comparison can creep in and become ever louder.
Mothers are often expected to explain and defend the arrangement their entire family is participating in. Why she works. Why she stays home. Why she has help. Why she needs a break. Why the house is messy. Meanwhile, Dad can simply exist within the same setup. How convenient for him!
No setup escapes it. Stay home and you’re “wasting your potential” or you “must have it so easy.” Go to work and you’re “letting someone else raise your child.” Ask for help and you “can’t handle it.” Don’t ask for help, and you’re a martyr.
The goalposts move depending on whatever makes a mother easiest to criticize that day.
So, I can only tell you about my lived experience, and right now, I have the luxury of choice.
I get to be home with my daughter for most of her days, and I also get to keep working on the career I’ve spent the last decade creating (albeit, way more scaled down…) My mom cares for our daughter twice a week while I work, and it’s a wonderful and occasionally chaotic hybrid that works for us (right now).
I had the privilege of choosing this setup. At the same time, that doesn’t make every part of it automatically easy. But to me, it feels easier than the alternative of having to go work at an office or not getting to work at all.
For now, I have one child I adore, a (slowed down) career I am mostly fulfilled by (though it doesn’t hold the same weight as it used to… a topic for another time), a Halmoni, and a very capable husband who make it all possible, and a life that feels really good — when sleep isn’t scarce, lol.
So wherever you are, whether it’s home, work, or some hybrid, I hope you feel supported and trust that you know your own life better than anyone. More than anything, my hope is that more of us get the luxury of choosing our own setup in the first place, and the freedom to choose again when the season shifts.
Books My Almost-2-Year-Old Loves (That We Love Reading Too)
Jul 9
The one thing we never say no to is more books. Used books, new books, library books, hand-me-downs, doesn’t matter. Gimme ‘em all, even though our shelves are overflowing. I love how much she loves reading, and we love reading with her. Children’s books are such a gift, and some of them have messages that even adults can be inspired by.
Meals From My Camera Roll: A Week in June
Jun 11
I’m a toddler mom that enjoys making healthy food with whole, simple ingredients, and I want to sharing more what meals looks like in our home. These aren’t perfectly plated like a proper food influencer — it’s snapped on my phone right before digging in. #PhoneEatsFirst. I hope it gives you permission to let mealtime be easy!
🫶🏼 read more slow & thoughtful reflections here
☁️ browse my favorite cozy tools & resources here
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