Wrong Fucking 80-Year-Old

I would like to file a complaint with whoever is currently in charge of taking 80-year-olds, because I believe there has been some kind of clerical error.

We had another 80-year-old available. One I have personally been prepared to part with for quite some time.

And you took Dolly Parton?

Fucking no.

Dolly was one of those people who made it difficult to be completely cynical about rich and famous people because she kept doing genuinely decent things with the money and influence she had. And I don't mean the celebrity version of philanthropy where somebody hands an enormous cardboard check to a hospital while six cameras capture the moment. She spent decades putting her money into things that actually made people's lives better.

She created the Imagination Library because her father couldn't read or write, and what started in one Tennessee county went on to put hundreds of millions of books into the hands of children. She funded scholarships and hospitals, helped families after disasters, supported cancer research, and donated $1 million toward COVID research that contributed to the development of the Moderna vaccine.

It’s apparently a pretty radical idea these days to have the kind of money Dolly had and think, maybe I should use some of this to help other people. But that’s exactly what she did, for decades.

What a concept.

She also understood something we've somehow managed to turn into a complicated political argument: people should be allowed to be who they are.

Dolly supported LGBTQ+ people and marriage equality for years. She spoke out against racism. And when she was asked about Black Lives Matter, there was no carefully worded answer designed to offend the fewest possible people. She just said it.

“Of course Black lives matter. Do we think our little white asses are the only ones that matter? No!”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is also 80 years old.

Just sayin'.

So somewhere in the universe, somebody clearly fucked up the paperwork.

Because seriously, Dolly?

Man, we really could have used a fucking win. We really could have. Is it too much to ask for just one? Just one fucking win? It's been one thing after another for so long now, and losing Dolly Parton feels very much on brand for this timeline.

We really didn't need this one.

Dolly grew up poor in the mountains of Tennessee and became one of the most famous women in the world, but she never seemed to develop that rich-person amnesia where you suddenly forget what it was like before you had everything.

Her father couldn't read or write, so she gave children books. She knew what it was like to grow up without much, so she funded scholarships. When people lost their homes, she helped them get back on their feet. She had money, so she gave some of it to hospitals and medical research. She had a voice people listened to, so she used it when other people were being treated like they mattered less.

What a fucking legend.

And through all of it, she was still completely Dolly. The enormous hair, the rhinestones, the filthy jokes, and absolutely no interest in making herself smaller or quieter just because somebody else thought she should.

She had enormous wealth, and she shared it. She had an enormous platform, and she used it. She had 80 years here, and she did a hell of a lot of good with them.

Grim Reaper, buddy, you really fucked this one up.

Donald Trump: 80 years old.

Dolly Parton: 80 years old.

Wrong fucking 80-year-old.

Rest easy, Dolly. ❤️