What I’m Asking God For

I don’t want him back.
I need you to know that.
But God,
I still miss him.

And I hate that I do.

I hate that months can pass
and somehow my heart
still hasn’t learned
that he is gone.

I thought leaving
would feel like breathing again.
I thought freedom
would feel like relief.

Instead,
I have this sadness
that followed me out the door.

The same sadness
I felt beside him
now sits beside me alone.

And maybe that’s what hurts most—
knowing I was lonely with him,
and somehow
I am still lonely without him.

Everyone says
we looked good together.

Maybe we did.

Maybe some things
can look beautiful
and still break you.

Maybe love can be real
and still not be enough.

I hate that we became strangers.
That there are things
we can no longer say.
That two people
who once knew each other’s silence
now don’t know
how to speak at all.

I hate that people are relieved.

That the people who love me
are happy he is gone.

And I understand them.

I just wish understanding
could make this hurt less.

So, God,
if he is not mine anymore,
please teach my heart
what my mind already knows.

Take away the little hope
I keep hiding in the corners.

Not because I hate him.

Not because what we had
was meaningless.

But because I want to live
without waiting for a door
that I know will never open.

I don’t want to keep crying
over someone
I already know I’m not going back to.

I want my life back.

I want my laughter back.

I want to wake up
and not feel the weight
of someone who isn’t there.

I want to spread my wings
without wondering
who will hold me
when I get tired.

And if I have to learn
to hold myself,
then God,
teach me.

Teach me that being alone
is not the same
as being abandoned.

Teach me that missing him
doesn’t mean I need him.

Teach me that an ending
can still be a blessing
even when it breaks my heart.

And when I finally stop crying,
when his name becomes
just a name,

I hope I don’t look back
and wish I had stayed.

I hope I look back
and whisper—

Thank God
I let myself go.

JoyzTheLostWriter ❤️