Lately, my friends and I have been scheming about how we can share more life together. We’re daydreaming about a co-housing compound and a stretch of land. We want a sauna, a communal dinner table, and maybe, if we’re lucky, a field with a few horses.
In this economy, it might be a bit of pipe dream, but it surprises me that more women aren’t dramatically orienting their lives to prioritize proximity to their closest friends.
The research is exceptionally clear: More than finding romantic love, deep friendship is imperative for women’s long-term happiness. In fact, one study that followed over 41,000 women for 16 years found that women with close friendships had massive health benefits including less chronic disease and stronger mental health. Socially connected women had 38% higher odds of healthy aging compared to their isolated peers.
The quality of the connection mattered too. Women who had friends who were deeply positive, safe and loving overwhelmingly ranked higher in stronger resilience scores and lower in depression.
In other words: it isn’t radical to orient your life toward your friends. It’s actually pretty risky not to.
Women are really good at processing tough shit together. We’re practically mini-psychologists. Lately, I’ve been challenging myself to remember: we’re here to share trauma but we’re also here to fucking have fun. We are here to river swim and laugh so hard you piss your pants under the Oregonian sky. We’re here to emotionally unpack after some asshole smashed your heart in, but we are also here to dance so hard you can’t remember his name.
My friend Emma Pattee introduced me to this term and I love it. Scruffy hangs basically mean we get to show up to each other’s houses without the added pressure to make our places spotless. Turns out, letting friends into your messy, imperfect existence is an underrated form of intimacy.
So, in honor of the scruff hang, my friends and I have instituted Trash Pizza Night where we order Domino’s (with a side order of their slutty little lava cakes) so no one cooks or excessively cleans. We pile into my tiny apartment and crowd around my coffee table (I don’t have a dining room) and eat shit pizza until our stomachs hurt.
After many years in corporate America, I now carry over that kind of intentionality and attention to detail into my friendships. It’s a game-changer.
For example:
I send Google Calendar invites as an act of love and organizational generosity. Most resistance to hanging out is just planning fatigue. Sending Google Calendar reminders for hangouts allows your friends to easily add them to their calendar and reduces friction.
I put important events happening to my friends on my calendar so I’m reminded to touch base. Reminders look like: Follow up with Jamie about the interview. Or Voice note Sara after the wedding to tell her how hot she is. Tiny thoughtful gestures carry big impact.
Recurring rituals are instant friendship glue, so every year, my girlfriends and I put our Annual Jet-skiing Day on the calendar. Jet-skiing makes us feel exactly like river nymphs who just discovered rock and roll and we look forward to it all year.
Parties are fun, but I’ve learned real friendship is created in the muck. It’s been my honor to drive my friend K. to her fertility treatments and cart my friend Nikki’s kids to soccer while she hikes the PCT. My friend Jamie Cattanach and I always insist on being the one who picks up the other from the airport.
When my cat died, I called my dearest ones and they met me at the bar. Before my friend’s hysterectomy, we had a womb party where we all blessed and cuddled her body before surgery. Gathering to have fun is one thing, but getting to venture with one another into the spiritual realm of Real Life—that’s the good stuff.
The most depressing part of hosting an event is getting the slew of last-minute 'so sorry, can't make it' texts. It’s demoralizing and I think flakiness is a contributing reason behind why social gatherings are in decline. Unless you’re in the hospital, don’t be the person that cancels last minute because you’re not feeling it.
I take invitations from friends seriously which means I get invited to a lot of things. I see initiating an invite as a really beautiful expression of vulnerability and I only accept plans I intend to keep. Then, I organize my bandwidth and social calendar around what I’ve agreed to do. If I say I’ll be there, you can put your money on it, baby.
You don’t have a true friendship until you’ve weathered conflict.
When conflict or stickiness arises in my friendships, I’ve learned to get curious instead of backing away. I ask: What do you need more of? Is there anything I could do that would help you feel more loved lately? Then I really sit with the response, no matter how uncomfortable it is.
Finally, outlining a path to repair is crucial. Having conversations in person or (if long distance) via FaceTime is the absolute best way to avoid misunderstanding.
The friends I have are the ones I’m hellbent on keeping. <3
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