A Few Things I Wish More Dads Knew

Many articles about mindful parenting and mindfulness with kids are written for the mamas. The language, the examples, and the advice are all pointed pretty squarely in that direction, which means a lot of dads, partners, and co-parents are either skimming past content that doesn’t quite fit or skipping it altogether.

So this one’s for you, dads.

One of the biggest myths in parenting is that a strong connection or bond with a child requires quantity—more hours, more activities, more more more.

Nope.

It’s not the quantity of time, it’s the quality of connection.

What your child needs is you fully there for small moments, on a consistent basis. A one-minute check-in where you get down on the floor and ask about what your child is building matters far more than an hour of being physically present but mentally elsewhere.

And being fully present is genuinely hard right now (to state the obvious).

We’ve never lived in a world that made it harder to just BE where you are.

The phone in your pocket is engineered by some of the smartest people on earth—folks who spend their days figuring out how to keep you attached to it. Work follows us all home, and there’s always something that feels like it needs a response, a glance, a quick check.

Your child notices, even if you don’t think so.

Children are more likely to develop attention struggles when parents frequently use phones during interactions. (Yup, this has been studied.)

Kids learn far more from what we do than what we say to do. When they see us constantly half-elsewhere, that becomes the model. It’s a question worth asking on a regular basis: What am I modeling right now?

The flip side, though, is that when you do put your phone in a drawer and fully show up, even for a quick few minutes, your child feels it completely. They feel seen, understood, connected. And that connection is what builds trust, cooperation, and a relationship where your child feels safe coming to you both now and later, when the stakes are higher.

You don’t have to be perfect, and you definitely don’t have to chuck your phone out the window, you just need consistent moments where you’re all the way “here.”

Those accumulated moments are what build the bond with your child—and they’re what your child will carry with them long after they’ve forgotten the specifics of any given day.

A lot of us parents (at least at the beginning) tend to parent the way we were parented, without ever consciously choosing it. It makes sense, it’s what we know.

Patterns get handed down: the way conflict is handled, how emotions are (or aren’t) acknowledged, what “being a good dad” is supposed to look like. If your dad was emotionally distant, quick to anger, or (fill in the blank with your special type of dysfunction), those patterns tend to show up in us, often in moments we least expect or want.

If you’re reading this and thinking about your own childhood with some complicated feelings, I get it. A lot of dads (a LOT of us, really) carry something from how they were raised, whether it’s grief for what they didn’t get, a determination to do it differently, or some complicated mix of both.

Give yourself grace. You’re here, you’re reading this, you care deeply, I know that.

Here’s what’s also true, and genuinely powerful:

You get to decide what kind of dad you’re going to be.

Think about that for a moment—it’s actually kind of amazing.

Your circumstances, your history, your own dad’s or your family’s stuff—they don’t get the final say. You are driving this bus.

The way you show up for your child right now is something you’re actively choosing, every moment of every day. The decision to be fully present, to take a breath before you react, to say you’re sorry when you mess up—these are intentional acts of love and presence that can break a chain that may have been running through your family for generations.

You decide what your child will carry forward.

If it’s helpful, let me offer a simple framework, something to come back to when things go sideways, and you can’t remember what you were supposed to be doing. Three steps: Calm, Connect, Create.

Calm starts with you. Your emotional state is literally contagious to your child: research shows kids’ stress hormones rise when their caregivers are dysregulated. You don’t have to be perfectly zen all the time; you just have to be aware. Take a beat before you react. A single long breath before you respond to the chaos makes a huge difference. This basically means get your own emotional house in order, so to speak, before anything else.

The best resource any of us can give our children is the most centered, grounded version of ourselves.

Connect means meeting your child where they are: in their world, instead of always pulling them into yours.

Children live in a world of play and imagination, of bouncing, jumping, and wiggling. We live in a world of words and schedules and explanations.

When you get down on their level, follow their lead, and experience things as they see them, even for just a minute, things shift, and they feel it.

The resistance drops, cooperation happens more easily, and suddenly, you’re not managing your child, you’re just with them. That’s the connection that underlies everything else.

Create is where you get to decide what kind of dad you want to be. Once you’re grounded and genuinely connected, you get to choose—the kind of relationship you want to create, the traditions you want to start, the rituals that become just yours and theirs.

The bond you’re building in these small moments is one your child will carry forward.

Try “Outside Inside:” ask your child to listen for the farthest sound they can hear outside, then the quietest sound they can hear closer to your car, then the sounds of their own body, whether it’s their hand tapping on the seat or their own breathing. Fun to do together, and builds focus and awareness.

Try “I Am Awesome Because.” Stand up tall with your child, feet wide, arms out—take up lots of space—and have them finish the sentence “I am awesome because…” Play it up, ask them to say it louder, celebrate whatever they come up with! Then you do it too. It sounds simple, and it is, but it’s powerful, and fun.

“Scrunch and Let Go.” Have your child stretch out long, then “scrunch,” as in, squeeze tight, their whole body. Toes, legs, arms, fists, face. Hold it tight and really squeeze! Take a breath in, and then relax all of those muscles on a long breath out. The physical tension and release is so satisfying. Do it alongside them; it moves the day’s stress out of the body and signals that it’s time to rest.

This can be a challenge for “fixers,” but please try it. When big feelings hit, resist the urge to find a solution right away. Say “What else?” and then wait. And then wait some more. Let them get it all out. It’s not the time for fixing, it’s the time for steady support. Then ask: “What do you need right now?” and provide comfort as best you can. These two phrases soothe more meltdowns than any logical explanation or teaching moment.

You don’t have to have it all figured out; none of us do. What matters is showing up with your full presence in the small, ordinary moments of the ordinary days.

Kira

PS - The activities here, along with the Calm, Connect, Create framework, come straight from my new book, The Joyful Child. It’s packed with simple, playful practices for every part of your day with your child: mornings, car rides, mealtimes, bedtime, and all the tricky moments in between. If any of this resonated with you, I think you’ll love what’s inside. Learn more right here.