The Older Boys

A group of older boys needed something they weren't getting.

So we took them to their edge on a walk down the river. Their boredom and rowdiness was a sign of a dysfunctional culture lacking intergenerational mentorship, not of dysfunctional boys.

The woman who noticed the angsty, rude, mean dynamic that was stewing amongst the boys wisely identified that given their current state, she wouldn't be the best role model for them and invited me and another man to take the boys on an adventure. They were so ready to leave the festival grounds.

"Are you bored?"
"YES!"
"Do you want to get out of here and adventure to a place none of us have gone before?"
With a drop of hesitation, "Yes."

The boys learned to tend their scratches from the blackberry thorns with antiseptic tree resin of Douglas fir before entering the water. With seven boys, we walked downstream, past the people bathing, following the bends of the creek where none of us had been before. We played "How many frogs can each person in the group see before they scare and hide?" to open our awareness and tend to our group unity. We played camouflage to slow down the speedy ones and other spontaneous fun games arose along the way.

Nearly an hour into the walk, we approached a natural threshold. The grasses thickened and the channel of water thinned. Emotions and desires were expressed:

"I'm wet. I want to go back," said one boy.
"I'm barefoot, there might be snakes in the water!" said another.
"Come on! I want to keep going!" said a third.

Seizing the opportunity for pause and sharing, we men invited the boys to lean back and relax into the heavy rocks, softened by grass and moss.

"The rocks are here to support you, rest into them for a moment while we decide what to do as a group."

We invited each boy to share,

"What are you feeling and what do you want?"

The second round asked,

"What is something kind or cool you noticed another boy do during our walk that you could share with them?"

Finally, before announcing the final decision of continuing onwards or heading back, some of the boys expressed hurt and made agreements:

"If there was something you did or said to another boy this week that felt mean or disrespectful, you can share about that. If you felt disrespected by another boy, you can share that here too."

As the boys shared, we asked them what they would want to do differently, and what they would like to agree to going forward. Some of their agreements were:

"No swearing, no name-calling, listen to each other, stop when someone says 'stop'."

So then, back to the festival for dinner! The boys ran up stream the way we came, hiding and finding frogs along the way, this time unprompted. The culture was sticking for a moment.

This process was supported by the stability of the rocks we sat on and the change and motion of the cold water running across our legs. It wasn't a dominance of men over them that made the boys decide to change their ways. It was their own observations, feelings, and will. We just co-created helpful conditions with the mountain, frog, fern, dragonfly and creek, to get the boys to grow into their edges.

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