Rebel With A Cause

I never thought of myself as a rebel. I was always desperate to try to be good. But when my more rebellious (and natural) desires would arise, I would seek to hide them or deny them in hopes of being good enough. Recently a mentor described me as a rebel, and I’ve been working to take this in, to re-envision my life, my past, and my story to include this new perspective.

Rebel makes me challenge preconceived notions of me as a “goody two shoes” or person who does all the right things. Which was true for a part of me. And yet, that was only part, because I hid the darkness I was scared to admit to. Scared to honor my desires because I was trained to believe they were bad, and I gave into them, they might consume me. I’m a rebel and I’m rebelling against any force that would silence parts of me, no matter how noble the name: spirituality, religion, polite society, and on and on.

I rebel against the wave of checking out in society through alcohol. I rebel against those forces and people who would sweep things under the rug, and choose to name the thing instead. I rebel against the impulse to hide myself, choosing instead to honor my feelings by naming them. Trusting that older, ancient consciousness, even when my intellect, prized by society, can’t make sense of those feelings.

I rebel against autopilot and letting my desires be dictated by other people, again no matter how noble their cause. I choose my desires and trust my body and feelings to lead the way. I rebel against staying too long: in a place, relationship, or job. I rebel against “good enough” and surface-level in any of those contexts, I want more. I rebel against doing things “because we’ve always done them” and because it’s what we’re “supposed” to do. It’s a rebellion against certainty and fear, and an embrace of the unknown and peace.

When most people think of a rebel or rebellion, they think of externals, of upheavals and transfers of power. And there may be times and places for those forms of rebellion, but this one isn’t that. This one starts within. A trusting of that gut sense of knowing that something needs to shift, even, maybe especially, before the mind can make sense of it. By slowly choosing to follow my instincts and my desires instead of modifying or modulating them to fit your expectations or make you like me. This rebellion starts and ends with self-expression, of expanding and settling further into the wholeness that already exists.

The thing about any rebellion is not everyone is in on it. So, you might be in on this rebellion and you might not. Maybe you’re forming your own inner rebellion that looks nothing like mine.

Whatever the case, here’s to more quiet rebelling and less just accepting the status quo. Things are allowed to change; you’re allowed to change. I know what you’re thinking: is the rebellion worth the risk? Worth the loss of the thing(s) you think you need to be you? I’d counter: what’s the risk of not rebelling, of staying as-is? We’re all headed to the same place, why not rebel and enjoy a bit of the journey along the way?