How to escape the shame cycle

To watch the YouTube video on this topic.

or listen on Spotify.

Engage in bad habit. Feel shame. Feel disconnected from the “narrative of your life.” Numb the disconnected/shame feeling with more comfort substances. Feel even more shame, even less natural motivation.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Until you completely bottom out. Reach terminal velocity of boredom, overstimulation, burnout. That’s what we call a Dopamine Hole.

Then comes the “generational lock-in” moment where you decide to pick your life back up from the ashes and rebuild again.

Cue: heroic restart. Origin story. Winter arc. Building season. “Disappear for six months and come back unrecognizable.” Rocky theme. Et cetera.

Maybe it lasts a day. A week. Best case, a month.

But you inevitably find your way back around to the escapism.

And the cycle starts again.

All it takes is one little crack in the system and everything falls apart. You engage with the substance that made you feel OK in the moment. And the shame kicks in. The voices in your head bully you, tell you you’re weak, broken, destined to “fall off,” that the cycle will repeat forever.

The substance doesn’t make the voice go away. But you use it anyway.

It gives you a spark of excitement, forward motion, a reason to live, however small and pointless.

So you rinse and repeat. To make the inner torment stop. If only for a moment.

Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Notice: shame is present at every level.

You’re ashamed when you engage in the bad habit.

You beat yourself up because you know it’s not “good for you.”

You were supposed to be “locked in.” Why aren’t you working harder? Look at your friends. Look at the goals you set for yourself. Why are you not doing more?

Et cetera, et cetera.

Then - even after the “save the world lock-in moment” - you’re ashamed.

You’re navigating the same negative self talk that pursues you during the fall-off stage of the cycle.

Not good enough. Not moving fast enough. You’ll be happy/fulfilled/OK when you get there. When you get to X. When you achieve X. When you have X.

The word shame doesn’t even encapsulate all of it.

“Negative self talk” is maybe a better umbrella term for what we’re talking about here.

But understand: the only way a toxic cycle works is if you keep perpetuating it.

What this means:

That’s why you do the same things over and over and over again EVEN when you know they don’t work. Even when it feels like it’s killing you.

It’s worth pausing and looking at your personal regimen of self destruction with a certain detached objectivity.

Ask yourself: what deep human need does this fulfill for me?

Look at the individual substances. What do they give you?

Stimulation? Release? Numbing? Excitement? Distraction?

Is it a crime to want these things? No.

Is there, perhaps, a better way of getting them? Maybe.

I won’t answer that for you.

At the end of the day, you’re an autonomous being choosing to fulfill your needs as effectively as you can.

Movement, creativity, nourishing food and media, meaningful social connection just might satiate your human desires more effectively than quick hit comfort substances. They’ll require significantly more effort up front, but you’ll quickly realize that’s what makes them enjoyable. The effort is the gift. Ultimately, it’s up to you to choose what you want.

Now - look at the cycle as a whole.

Understand: the whole “lock-in / fall-off” narrative is one you uphold and choose to repeat.

You’re running the system again and again because it’s a predictable, safe narrative. You know how this story ends.

Even though you know it doesn’t work, even when you doubt your ability to “lock in and get it right this time,” even when you know it’s going to end the same way — with you “falling off” and numbing yourself back into sweet, soft, yummy oblivion, your psyche has become quietly dependent on the cycle.

Because it’s easier than going into the true unknown.

Consider how staying consistent would change you.

You’d become who you truly are. You would become yourself.

Consider how part of your mind, the part that wants to stay safe and comfortable, might be TERRIFIED of this.

Also: not a crime for your brain to want “safe and comfortable.”

For something like millions and millions of years, “safe and comfortable,” = alive.

So even if you’re numb on the couch for the third day in a row, at least you’re not dead in the wilderness.

Is it possible you choose to run the same cycle again and again because it’s a story you know? Is it possible that feeling “comfortably uncomfortable” is safer than true, consistent, self-directed motion into new terrain?

You don’t have to arrive at a clear conclusion here.

But it might be helpful to spend some time with the question.

Sometimes questions are more helpful than answers.

Ask yourself how much easier it would be to stay on track if you weren’t bullying yourself upwards of 90% of the time.

Practice the skill of rewriting your personal narratives.

“I have no self control” becomes

Why am I choosing this? What does this choice give me? What natural human appetite am I feeling right now? Is there a better, more satisfying option available to me?

“I am bad, weak, unworthy” becomes

I am turning to substances in an attempt to soothe pain. What pain am I feeling? What am I trying to escape? I’m not a weak person for trying to get away from pain. Is there a better way of healing myself right now?

“I can’t do this” becomes

This task might be out of range for me right now. But there is something I can do. What would make me feel good that I can do right now?

“I need to punish or correct myself” becomes

I am engaging in meaningful practice because I enjoy it. It feels good to move forward. It feels good to do these things. Even difficult things are enjoyable. My attention goes to the process.

“I need to push past all reasonable limits to achieve a short term, surface level result” becomes

I need to play this game in such a way I can show up every day. What can I do today to guarantee I’m ready to play again tomorrow?