This article will be one of my less-polished reflection pieces. I like churning out something raw from time to time with little editing or any attempts at smoothing. These are just my thoughts on an important subject. I make no claim to be exhaustive, or even entirely correct. But I hope it will be helpful to you (the reader) all the same.
First, a bit of context.
From age nineteen, until I was twenty-nine, I volunteer led in high school Bible studies. For a portion of this time, I also worked for a larger youth ministry, preaching regularly and organizing camps among other activities. A huge part of youth ministry, of course, is interacting with parents.
Parents are often great and a deep blessing to folks like me trying to serve their kids. One family regularly had me over for dinner as a young man, gave me money for gas, and helped me out in numerous other ways. Most significantly, they did all they could to encourage my efforts to mentor their son Brian (not his real name) in the faith. Brian’s dad (we will call him Tom) checked in with me regularly about how things were going and took my point of view seriously. I wasn’t always right of course. But his Dad was patient, supportive, and chose to view me as a partner in helping his son flourish personally and spiritually.
Tom was also brutally realistic about his sons short comings.
Brian was captain of his high school soccer team, good looking, and popular. As a talented young man, he could succeed at most things even with minimum effort. His Dad of course was proud of his son’s gifts and accomplishments. But Tom also could see clearly the pull the world system (1 John 2:16) had on Brian, and recognized the long term danger to his son’s character and spiritual values. Tom did everything he could to disciple his son toward more than just personal peace and affluence. We would often talk on the phone about how to best challenge Brian as well as inspire him to love and good deeds.
It’s been a long time since then, but now having my own children (almost 10 years in with my oldest) I’ve reflected on and become even more impressed by Tom’s example. It’s hard to be realistic about your kids. Perhaps its because parenting is so emotionally charged and touches on sensitive parts of our own self-understanding. There is both fear and raw pride to contend with at an inordinate level of intensity. I’ve personally careened at times between wanting to deny my kid’s issues and the temptation to be overly critical. I’m convinced we have to keep cultivating faith and humility to do spiritual parenting well.
Here’s a non-exhaustive and slightly disordered list of postures that seem critical to this end:
Prioritize your marriage: Not everyone will have the blessing of a trusted partner in parenting. But if you do have the opportunity, it’s worth fighting to maintain. I don’t think I need to rehash the sociological research on this subject. We all know kids flourish in homes with a loving mom and dad, who are committed and unified. This is God’s ideal. I am so grateful for my wife who often corrects my perspective and works to make me a better parent.
Develop your Biblical anthropology: It’s easy to let the latest batch of self-help literature become what guides our parenting strategies. But Christians should test “all things” (1 Thessalonians 5:21), rather than blindly imbibe whatever our Instagram algorithm throws our way. Scripture tells us all about people. Through the Word we understand our children to be both noble (made in God’s image, gifted, capable of incredible good), and depraved (prone to selfishness, able to lie, in need of loving discipline).
Get your goals straight: What do we most want for our kids? Is it personal peace and affluence? Self-actualization? To never be hurt? I suspect many parents never dig into this question, but yet it operates like a background script in how we approach parenting. We need orienting Godly values for our families that go beyond regular church attendance. I want my kids to be disciples of Jesus—full of joy, dedicated to God’s mission and purposes in the world, deeply formed in their character. I also hope they go to college! But I’m finding more and more that the order of our priorities matter and come out clearly in terms of what we emphasize to our children.
Parent in community: Despite my best effort to grow, I still have blind spots in parenting. I take great comfort from the fact that I’m surrounded by like minded parents who know and love my children. Other adults in our church community have already had a profound affect on my kids—their personal development and their faith. Additionally, we regularly workshop issues that come up and practice vulnerability about our struggles. It’s not enough of course to simply be part of a church community, you also have to welcome and receive feedback. This is messy at times, but it is so much better than the alternative.
Pray, and pray some more: This was the main thing I took away from Andrew Murray’s classic How to Raise Your Children for Christ. There is so much in parenting we can’t anticipate or control. God readily grants wisdom and perspective however to those who ask. We don’t have to be ruled by fear or frustration. Children are a gift, and the God of the universe is with us in helping them to flourish under our care. When we consistently invite him in, our family is permeated by the effects.
I hope some day my kids will have quality (though imperfect) mentors that I’ll be able to treat as partners, as Tom did with me. I don’t expect to deliver them “complete in Christ” (Colossians 1:27-28) all on my own. We need the Body of Christ, not to mention God’s constant intervening grace. I feel so privileged and comforted to have rich access to both.
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