Though Scripture does not outline a strict blueprint for dating, it does provide comprehensive ethics regarding how unmarried men and women should interact. These instructions condense into three fundamental principles:
Purity is an essential quality to a spiritually healthy romantic relationship. Sex[1] is an intentional creation of God designed for mutual pleasure, profound intimacy, and procreation within the life-long bond of marriage. The author of Hebrews says “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (Hebrews 13:4).
Christians must never view sexuality as inherently dirty or embarrassing; indeed, the Song of Songs openly celebrates romantic and sexual intimacy, containing text detailed enough to make any honest reader blush (Song of Songs 7:7-8). Christians ought to be excited about sex and look forward to experiencing it with their spouse. However, honoring sex also requires understanding its awesome purpose and respecting its God-given boundaries. Sex is designed to bond individuals permanently and celebrate secure committed love. This is why Genesis 2:24 says the man and woman become “one flesh.” Outside of marriage, sex is reduced to a purely physical act built on a false promise. Tim Keller explains,
“Sex only works in the fullest way God intended for one man and one woman within the exclusive, permanent, legal commitment of marriage. Put another way: sex is a God invented way to say to another person, ‘I belong completely and exclusively and permanently to you.’ That cannot be said [honestly] outside the permanent, exclusive, covenantal commitment of marriage.”[2]
Paul warns believers in 1 Thessalonians 4:1-8 not to “defraud” (NASB95) one another through extramarital sex, which extracts the physical benefits of intimacy while withholding the total sacrifice of marital commitment.
It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister.
Sexual compromise during dating betrays a lack of self-control that marriage alone will not fix; the same underlying reckless selfishness easily translates into sexual self-focus and even marital infidelity down the road. Recent research also demonstrates a direct relationship between ongoing promiscuity before marriage the likelihood of future divorce.[3]
God ultimately wants us to experience great sex, which in reality comes not just through another person’s body, but from developing actual intimacy, deep trust, and personal security. Going God’s way will lead us to more enjoyment and satisfaction in our sex lives, not less!
Therefore, Christian dating couples must be on guard, proactively flee temptation, and refuse to put each other in potentially compromising situations.
“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” (Matthew 26:41)
So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:12-13)
Concurrently, purity also makes room for innocence, allowing couples to build genuine friendships, have fun, and engage in community life without the premature pressure of a highly charged physical and emotional relationship. As the relationship matures, emotional exclusivity and marriage planning can naturally deepen.
Believers are called to view one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, protecting and honoring each other as part of a spiritual family. Rather than exploiting someone else for personal validation or affection, Christian dating requires emotional protection and mutual respect.
“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10).
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” (Philippians 2:3-4)
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-6)
Christian couples ought to resist unhealthy co-dependence. While secular dating patterns often encourage couples to isolate themselves and abandon key relationships, Christian dating ought to respect relational boundaries. Mature couples will actively champion each other’s friendships, ministry, and investments in community rather than monopolizing each other’s time. Even once married, these personal connections and venues of service will be instrumental in having a joyful and fulfilling relationship.
Scripture extols the value of waiting patiently on God’s timing to cultivate necessary character and receive His blessings. A person secure in God’s love does not need to manipulate or force a relationship; they can initiate intentionally while trusting God with the ultimate outcome.
Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes. (Psalm 37:7)
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” (Galatians 6:9)
Patience, however, is not passivity. Navigating modern individualistic dating landscapes requires deliberate effort, time, and positioning oneself in contexts where you can meet other like-minded single believers. It also means working hard to be physically healthy, financially stable, spiritually mature, and generally the kind of person who can attract a Godly spouse. Christians can pursue Godly dating with confidence, knowing that prioritizing God’s Kingdom ensures our needs will be met according to His timing.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” (Matthew 6:33)
It is highly dangerous to compromise God’s standards for the sake of an easy, immediately available relationship, which frequently yields long-term regret and could even forfeit God’s better plan.
I saw among the simple,
I noticed among the young men,
a youth who had no sense.
He was going down the street near her corner,
walking along in the direction of her house
at twilight, as the day was fading,
as the dark of night set in…With persuasive words she led him astray;
she seduced him with her smooth talk.
All at once he followed her
like an ox going to the slaughter,
like a deer stepping into a noosetill an arrow pierces his liver,
like a bird darting into a snare,
little knowing it will cost him his life. (Proverbs 7:7-9, 21-23)
“Better to live on a corner of the roof
than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” (Proverbs 21:9)
Finally, patience does not mean dating indefinitely; stalling out of a fear of commitment can invite temptation, and should be ministered to with wise counsel and prayer. At some point, the wisest and most loving thing to do is to take a leap of faith and begin a marriage.
If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. (1 Corinthians 7:36)
Discussion Questions
What steps could you take now to prioritize purity in your dating relationship?
What might it look like to balance your dating relationship with other important relationships?
How might someone continue to be patient in finding a good spouse rather than compromising?
[1] From a Christian perspective, the physical act of sex begins when physical contact is intentionally directed toward the stimulation of sexual organs (whether through intercourse, manual touch, oral contact, or body-to-genital friction) to initiate, heighten, or satisfy sexual desire.
[2] Tim Keller, “The Gospel and Sex,” https://gospelinlife.com/manual-paper/the-gospel-and-sex/
[3] Jesse Smith, Nicholas H. Wolfinger, “Re-examining the Link Between Premarital Sex and Divorce,” Journal of Family Issues 45, no. 3 (2023): 674-696.
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