Guidance in Christian Dating (Part 1)

Over the last twelve years, I’ve probably been asked a dozen times to write on the subject of Christian dating, and I have always resisted. This four-part article series, then, represents somewhat of a concession. While there are many good Christian books available about marriage, you’ll find relatively few on the topic of dating—and the ones that do exist often wax overly prescriptive, or even legalistic. Yet, dating remains an area in which single Christians flounder, get discouraged, or compromise with cultural values.

That is why I have finally decided to write. What follows isn’t based on a perfect personal track record; I made plenty of mistakes both before and after coming to faith in Christ. Instead, I’ve attempted to condense clear Biblical teaching into principles and best practices for single Christians to consider. Because these principles will require further fleshing out to be put into practice, each installment (starting with Part 2) ends with discussion questions designed for personal reflection and small-group conversation. My hope is that these thoughts give single readers hope and vision for their relationships, ultimately guiding them toward the exciting goal of a great marriage.

The purpose of this study is not to be exhaustive, but to introduce key Biblical principles that relate to the subject of healthy Christian relationships. All human relationships within the community of faith must be governed by God’s basic moral commands. For example, deceptive practices and theft obviously have no place among believers (Ephesians 4:25-28), and we are explicitly commanded to “love one another” (John 13:34). Scripture is replete with extensive instructions detailing what this love should look like in practice. If the Church simply took the Bible’s “one another” passages seriously, we would undoubtedly see immense progress toward healthy spiritual relationships.

However, rightly applying these divine commands to specific human relationships is not always straightforward. Human nature is complex, and the reality of sin frequently obscures our capacity to view ourselves and others accurately. We often misinterpret our own motives or absorb cultural biases that normalize selfish, damaging behaviors. Consequently, general calls to love and self-sacrifice are insufficient for sustaining successful relationships. Navigating friendships, dating, and marriage according to God’s design requires both the active guidance of the Holy Spirit and nuanced, situational wisdom—both of which God eagerly provides.

The Biblical authors consistently address relational dynamics within the specific complexities of their socio-cultural environments. For instance, look at Paul’s letter to the church in Ephesus. After a lengthy address of husbands and wives in Ephesians 5:20-33, he writes:

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favor when their eye is on you, but as slaves of Christ, doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not people, because you know that the Lord will reward each one for whatever good they do, whether they are slave or free. And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favoritism with him. (Ephesians 6:1-9)

Modern Western society does not share the same socioeconomic structures or class distinctions that required Paul to address both masters and slaves. Paul’s objective here is not to validate the morality of their system; rather, he is speaking directly to a baseline reality where local churches involved individuals from both the servant and ruling classes. His immediate theological and pastoral concern is that believers treat one another with Christ-like love and preserve unity in the church. Notably, elsewhere Paul encourages slaves to seek their freedom, if possible (1 Corinthians 7:1), mirroring the intent of ancient Israelite protections regulating the duration and nature of indentured servitude.

Scripture frequently offers moral guidance for what to do in broken or less-than-ideal circumstances. In 1 Peter 3:1-7, Peter provides instruction to Christian wives married to unbelievers. While marrying a non-believer would deviate from God’s ideal and is scripturally prohibited (Deuteronomy 7:3-4), first-century arranged marriages often left women with no choice regarding their spouse’s faith. Thus, Peter offers situational wisdom to those who find themselves “unevenly yoked” (2 Corinthians 6:14) to handle their challenging life circumstances.

When Paul addresses specific dynamics—such as urging fathers not to exasperate their children but to train them intentionally—he addresses a timeless temptation. Parents often default to impossibly high standards or frustrate their children through negligence and inconsistency. From this, we can derive a specific principle: loving parents take proper responsibility for training their children in a way that fosters motivation and affection.

While parenthood and marriage are timeless and God-instituted categories designed for human flourishing (Genesis 1:26-28), 21st-century believers will still face distinct cultural hurdles in living out these roles. Fortunately, God has provided a wealth of clear and universally applicable scripture to guide us.

Dating is a highly significant relationship paradigm in contemporary society, defined as the period between the initial expression of romantic interest and the formal covenant (binding agreement) of marriage. Cultural conventions surrounding dating vary widely regarding behavioral expectations and structure. Historically, modern dating evolved as a diluted iteration of traditional “courting”. Courting in traditional European societies was a formal, family-mediated process explicitly oriented toward marriage.

However, as Western culture shifted toward hyper-individualism, choosing a spouse became a much more private endeavor, effectively sidelining family and community from the process. Furthermore, modern individuals frequently delay marriage to pursue personal milestones like career advancement or travel goals. Often, marriage as a life-goal is abandoned altogether. This leaves modern dating devoid of a clear telos (an intrinsic purpose or completion), rendering the relationship vague and difficult to define.

Crucially, the Bible contains no explicit category for “dating”. In ancient and traditional societies, marriages were highly communal, often arranged, and there was little to no track for remaining single. Betrothal periods were usually brief, and individuals married young. Consequently, it shouldn’t surprise us that the Biblical authors do not address modern dating directly.

Despite its inherent drawbacks, dating is our culture’s sole mechanism for forming marriages. Modern Christians often lack the economic and community structures required to facilitate healthy marriages at a younger age. Also, reverting to culturally incoherent models like arranged marriages is unrealistic and would be overly controlling for modern Western people. Instead, believers must work diligently to apply Biblical morality and wisdom to modern dating paradigms.

Parts 2, 3, and 4 of this study will go on to consider scripture’s wisdom as it applies to the Who, How, and Why of Christian dating.

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