Social Media cannot Replace the Community of Men

I was reminiscing with a friend last night about the way we grew up in a community of men and learned what it was to be a man from them, and how differently social media can orient men toward a fundamentally female disposition.

Boys have learned to wait their turn in participating in masculine conversations and activities for as long as human history has existed.

They had to prove themselves worthy under the direction of older men who tested them in sports, outdoor activities, or business endeavors.

One experience we talked about was how the men at our church played volleyball at church picnics, and the young men would watch until they were old enough to play.

One year, a 15-year-old cried because he was not allowed to participate yet.

His mom came onto the field and chewed out one of the guys perceived to be the leader. He took it. The other men left the field and allowed the kids to play, and it never went back to the way it had been for years before.

What happened was an egalitarian, more feminine-driven way of looking at participation conquered the organically driven merit system that preceded it.

Female pecking orders are different than men’s. They tend to want to ensure no one feels left out, except people who would make others feel left out.

Everyone has a say. All are included.

Structures that limit, that prevent, that filter, and the people who represent them can become targets for elimination.

There is something good about this in the right context. We go to our mom for comfort when we are young. She reinforces our acceptance. But this does not gain us respect in the eyes of other men, where acceptance is proven through character, competence, and ability.

Social media is an egalitarian format that orients away from those things toward image and rhetoric alone.

Worth is derived from popularity, not accomplishment or capability. Everyone can participate. Hardly any opinion is outside of bounds. All are welcome.

Except, humans cannot function like this in every social situation. It is impossible. There must be the father who balances hospitality with practical limitations.

Social media is conversation without borders, where social cache’ derives first from feeling accepted or vindicated before valuing actual achievement or experience.

Men have their way of handling issues. Generally more direct, based upon an honor code, and articulated according to the issue.

Women tend to be more indirect, based upon perception, and articulated by acceptance and rejection.

Social media flattens these by rewarding a sort of masculine brashness mediated through a feminine acceptance and rejection process. Of course, with the wide use of anonymous accounts on some social media platforms, the brashness is not even necessarily that masculine since there are no real-world consequences tying words to actions.

All are welcome.

More could be said, but my friend and I remarked about how men today, he has two sons, are growing up in an artificial environment devoid of the standards we were expected to live by.

To get ahead, they are tempted toward superficiality, generating an image in the place of actual accomplishment. And when the clicks and likes trail off, despair.

Even parts of the manosphere are female-coded because of this.

The guru is the guy who teaches you the cheat code so you can hack life, and even females, to gratify desire. It is an underhanded, self-oriented, victim-framed way of navigating a feminist world through feminine strategies.

Overcome the obstacle of non-acceptance through window dressing, not character or competence building.

Because, after all, everyone deserves, and how dare they not accept you.

This has implications for politics and church leadership, where rhetoric trumps competence. Academic excellence, proving oneself capable in the community of men, etc., are very secondary under this thinking because all are welcome.

The consequences of this are an increasing softness, sensitivity, and superficiality in our young men. To develop young men properly, what can we, as middle-aged and older men, do?

We must first set a good example. Men solve, overcome, and face issues squarely. We do not whine. We must pursue excellence in our real lives, not just the ones that exist on social media. Curating a projection is not the same as forging a character. We must also prove to be sacrificial and therefore trustworthy.

Second, we must reach back to remember those things that formed our characters, those of us who are blessed with constructive childhoods. For those who do not have this experience, look for it in older books, especially the Bible. What kinds of achievements should our young men accomplish to gain admission into the community of men? How are we helping them get there? Social media will not convey a rite of passage.

Third, we must place limitations upon our young men until they can handle certain things. I am increasingly convinced the concerns that exist in the conservative Christian community over pornography should extend to video games, social media, and anything that keeps men’s minds engaged for extended periods of time in artificial environments.

Fourth, we must spend actual time with the young men in our lives. Our children come first, but after them, the other men in our circles. Many of them do not have constructive environments with involved father figures. There is only one way to help them become the men they ought to be, and there are no manosphere shortcuts. It will take time, attention, and teaching, mostly by example.

Take, for example, the myriad of things needed in order for a man to understand how to approach and treat women. Most boys learn how to do this first by watching their dad treat their mom in exemplary ways. Many young men do not have this opportunity now. Where will they learn it? From Clavicular, whose mindset is as fleeting as his looks? Heaven forbid.

We have what we need. Men are still around. God designed us a certain way. We can either give in to softness and fake substitutes for masculinity online that favor edgy rhetoric over proven character, or we can get busy in our everyday lives.

My friend and I talked about bringing back men’s sports at our church and investing more in the younger men through Trail Life. The choice is ours. The future is our children’s.