Some Lists #3

8 Things I Like More in Theory Than in Practice

• spooning all night

• breakfast

• pickle martinis

• Buy Nothing

• dessert

• bookstores

• comedy/drag shows that start after 8pm

• reusable ziplock bags

4 Questions About Past Lives I’ve Been Obsessed with Asking People (Despite Not Really Believing in Past Lives)

• What percentage of your past lives do you think were male/female/other?

• What percentage of your past lives do you think were human?

• How many lives do you think you’ve lived before this one?

• Are there any types of life you think you’ve lived multiple times?

5 Questions You Should Ask Yourself When Deciding If You Should Date Someone

• Would you trust him to house sit for your parents?

• Would he be a help or a hindrance if you had a baby with you in an airport?

• Would he be a good ex-boyfriend?

• Would you want to be friends with him if you weren’t dating?

• Do you feel like you’re on the same team?

7 Bullet Points I Cut From My 2025 “What I Learned This Year” List, and Why

• “answering a trivial question quickly with confidence (founded or unfounded) is a good gift to give to an uncertain friend” (rephrased it a bunch, was confusing in every iteration, wasn’t worth it)

• “assume the best” (kinda basic, not always good advice)

• “mr. right would try harder than that” (seemed like it was subtweeting someone specific, it wasn’t)

• “amy poehler is a better interviewer than most interviewers” (she is widely regarded as a good interviewer and i don’t listen to enough other interviewers to back this up)

• “sometimes you have to be the love island” (just me affirming my own choices)

• “don’t pull from the world to give your life meaning, pull from your life to give the world meaning” (sounds really good but ultimately I don’t think it means anything)

• “everything has been done before so stop overthinking and enjoy the doing” (incredibly ironically, cut because sondheim already said it better)

5 Pitches for New Car Honks Because the One Horn Currently Is Carrying a Lot of Weight

• “omg we have the same car!!”

• “it’s me, your friend, look over here!!”

• “shame on you. shame!”

• “i’m so sorry i know that was douchey i didn’t mean to i’m so sorry”

• “i know, fuckwad, i can’t go” (ie when a car honks at you for not going because there’s a person in the road, or they can’t see the sign that says “no right on red”)

5 Awards I Would Include If I Ran a Film Awards Ceremony

• best airplane movie

• movie from 10 years ago that stayed in the zeitgeist

• best comedy that is actually a comedy

• best film under 2 hours long (to incentivize!)

• best film starring the muppets (to incentivize!)

7 Things That Would Annoy Me Were I to Move to England

• the caps on disposable water bottles do not come off fully

• a sandwich is often just bread and meat

• no coffee refills

• random little bursts of rain

• no estate sales

• the way they pronounce “urinate” normally but “ur-rye-nal” like freaks

• the NHS, probably (but at least it’s free!)

5 Least Used Spices in My Cabinet

• nutmeg

• cayenne

• sumac

• saffron

• cloves

2 Turns of Phrase I Heard Recently That Stuck with Me

• someone on tiktok called comedian Caleb Hearon “sibling funny.”

• I complimented a bouncer on his jacket when leaving a bar and he simply responded, “Gratitude.”

6 Strains of Republican-Coded Culture I Unfortunately Vibe With

• steakhouses

• bama rush tiktok

• bringing a pie to your new neighbors

• yacht club attire

• striking up conversations with strangers

• large-scale cajun cooking

5 Labels That Translate to Me as “Bisexual But Annoying About It” (Someone Had to Say It!)

• pansexual

• omnisexual

• demisexual

• fluid

• sapiosexual

5 Famous Straight Guys Who I Think Would Love Me (Completely Platonically) If We Ever Worked Together

• Chris Evans

• Alexander Skarsgård

• Josh Hutcherson

• Greg Davies

• Daniel Radcliffe

6 Fortune Cookie Fortunes I Would Write, Were I Hired to Write Fortune Cookie Fortunes

• your life will soon become more polyamorous than you wanted

• one of your favorite musicians will disappoint you this week

• you will regret bringing an extra layer of clothing to a function

• you will regret not bringing an extra layer of clothing to a function

• your friend’s dog will experience a health issue and overcome it

• the person reading this fortune out loud will betray you

3 Butters Monologues From South Park I Think Are Tremendously Written

• “Oh, no thanks, I love life.”

• “I did it, grandma.”

• “You’re perfectly normal, Bradley!”

4 Things I Love About Being a Gay Guy

• I’ve now dated several men with speakers playing lo-fi in their bathrooms

• walking through gay parts of town and seeing random people i know

• that we all feel some sort of weird, cosmic pull to the “happy days are here again / get happy” mashup (and to a lesser extent, “into you” by ariana grande)

• kissing boys

7 British Pun Drag Names I Came Up With While in England

• Marie Rose Sauce

• Tate McModern

• Bubala Soho

• Victoria Line

• Catherine Taint

• Vienne A. Museum

• Thick Ben (drag king)

4 Rejected Versions of “huluzoo” I Bet Were Pitched and Rejected by Disney for Zootopia 2, and My Theories as to Why

• “huzu” (zoo pun not clear enough)

• “huzoo” (looks like it would rhyme with kazoo)

• “hoozoo” (doesn’t look enough like “hulu”)

• “zoolu” (sounds like the African ethnic group Zulu)

5 Alternate Titles for This Newsletter (Should I Rename It?)

• As Is My Wont

• The Principle of the Thing

• Fall in Love Again and Again

• So As to Offend God

• And You Wonder Why I Have a Complex

5 More Specific Relationship Words We Need (and My Slapdash Attempts at Naming Them)

• exie: someone you dated/hooked up with for a meaningful amount of time but can’t comfortably call an ex-boyfriend

• intime: dating and going well but haven’t labeled it yet

• leaser: live together but aren’t engaged yet

• delaged: engaged but it’s been like 4 years and no wedding is in sight

• courtspouse: courthouse-married but haven’t had the wedding yet

15 People Who I Think Should Do The Traitors and How I Would Cast Them

• Lukas Gage (faithful)

• Ashley Tisdale (faithful)

• Delta Work (faithful)

• Tiffany Pollard (faithful)

• Tyra Banks (traitor)

• Isabella Rosselini (faithful)

• Tig Notaro (traitor)

• T.S. Madison (faithful)

• Shakira Khan (faithful)

• Christian Siriano (faithful)

• Ziwe (traitor)

• Alison Hammond (faithful)

• Rachel Dratch (faithful)

• Mistress Isabelle Brooks (traitor)

• Patti LuPone (faithful)

2 Traitors Spinoffs I Would Like to See

• Dylan Efron & Rob Rausch talking about books they’ve read. Maybe it’s more of a podcast?

• Dylan Efron & Rob Rausch playing beach volleyball in speedos. Maybe it’s more of a softcore flick?

2 Moments I Was Positive My Baby Nephew Was Related to Me

• Annie decided to play a game where we passed him around the entire table and as soon as she held him aloft, he grinned and threw up

• My mom asked me to sniff his butt to see if he’d pooped, and when my nose was right there, he farted