Johnny's Love/Hate List

To be honest, I assumed that by this point in my life, I was going to be doing a lot more press.

I know what you’re thinking and yes, I have been on BBC World News talking about the popular television program The Simpsons. Sure, I have been captured in New Yorker caricature. And, of course, most illustriously, I appeared on THE Good Day Columbus talking about my search for love.

Anyway.

I guess what I really meant is that as a quirky online personality, I thought would get to do quirky online interviews. Ones with gimmicks! I looove a prompt. And so I’d like to introduce a new series in which I stop waiting for people to come to me and start interviewing myself.

The Dream Baby Press Love/Hate lists are such a good insight into celebrity brains. Sometimes I think I would get along with a celebrity, and then see their list, and think, oh god, no, we would hate each other. And other times, I see one like Olivia Rodrigo’s, and am completely confirmed in my suspicions that we would get along:

Over the last few months, I have been working on my own lists. And because this is my blog, I will not be paring it down to 10 items!

And so, in no particular order:

• being indignant

• drip coffee in a mug with a splash of half and half

• 80s dad sweaters (wool-free)

• saying “h’ray!” like they do in bluey

• intimate dinner parties

• peeing in a urinal that has ice in it

• serendipity

• hoarder estate sales

• broad generalizations founded in little evidence

• shoes that look like sci-fi costuming

• peach rings of any quality

• when the gas station asks if you want a receipt before the transaction

• MSG

• bidet attachments

• jim henson’s cameo in a muppet family christmas

• saying the word “boots”

• the way that old cartoons sound

• handicraft & restoration

• helping friends make dating app profiles

• deadnaming twitter

• being 2-3 years late to trends

• trader joe’s super goop dupe (and saying that aloud)

• lay’s stax

• the last few measures of hadestown’s “wait for me (reprise)”

• tesco café

• when love island boys get into bed with each other in the morning

• having 30 sort-of boyfriends

• playing jackbox games with my family

• high effort, low cost halloween costumes

• nostalgia

• homer simpson’s little reading glasses

• friezes

• a tap break

• matthew baynton in his little short shorts on taskmaster

• fart jokes

• bespoke matchbooks

• the way anna nalick sings “sober” and “october” in “breathe (2 am)”

• asking first dates about their ex-boyfriends

• amber (the gemstone)

• “the perfect bite”

• GPS technology

• propriety

• discovering new favorite 30 rock jokes every rewatch

• weddings

• handwritten recipes

• the valley

• meat, unfortunately

• the way that sondheim musicals affect you differently as you age

• milky way midnights

• dresses that require petticoats

• flirting

• the hungry, psychotic catharsis evoked by lorde’s “green light”

• the speech where they confess their love

• the quiet competence of steve & kirsten on the repair shop

• jersey mike’s

• getting annoyed at tourists in a city in which i am a tourist

• good portraiture

• telling men how they feel about me

• a prompt, a theme, a gimmick

• mildew

• vehicles revving loudly

• people who claim “bad texter” as a personality trait

• true crime

• my shitty memory

• campari

• when neurotypical people joke about having autism

• revolving doors

• my shitty memory

• men who take up space

• when people “correct” my grammar that is correct

• “mixed greens”

• when you send someone your number and they send theirs back. just text me

• the word “booty” used in a sexual context

• AI used for creative purposes

• that a “cheap” meal costs $18 now

• the phrase “oh so” in song lyrics

• when aspiring writers DM me asking how i got to write on the simpsons. are you stupid?

• people who dish it but can’t take it

• corporations using “i” statements on social media

• the kind of waiting that is unique to being single

• when things i want to support have bad merch

• pranks that prey on human decency

• non-platform loafers on men

• tactlessness

• standup with no jokes

• dogs in restaurants

• tv that’s “important” but not good

• straight couples making out on the dance floor at gay bars

• stan culture

• 98% of performance art

• my various maladies

• feeling clueless

• gluten-free “donuts” that are just cakes baked in donut molds

• the stringy parts (tangerines, bananas, avocadoes)

• two way stops

• when the pee stream forks

• intentionally ugly christmas sweaters

• a huge kitchen wasted on someone who doesn’t cook

• that everything has its own app

• when people dump salt on their meal so they stop eating it

• anything that involves finance or insurance

• macaroons (not macarons, love those)

• when people act like their opinions are facts

• when works of art are intentionally titled as “untitled”

• when there are seats at a friend’s family’s table that you’re not supposed to sit in but they don’t tell you

• grainy apples

• filler songs in sung-through musicals

• navigating computer storage issues

• water & food waste

• empty storefronts in city centers

• people who hate everything

I think that about covers everything in the world that I love and hate! Feels good to have it all in writing.

Please let me know if there are other gimmicky interviews you’d like me to complete! I am - as ever - open to suggestions. I looove a prompt.

Finally over the flu,
Johnny