The 3 levels of self-control

We humans have three different settings for self-control:

1. Caged / trapped - We see ourselves as victims, out of control, succumbing to our environment and circumstances. We wish someone would rescue us.

2. Comfortable - We coast along living comfortably, perhaps waiting for someone else to tell us what to do or show us our next move. When challenges come, we complain until we get back to homeostasis, our default level of comfort.

3. Charged / engaged - We feel alive with a strong sense of agency and intention. We are the captains of our own ships, setting our course and able to navigate challenges confidently. We change our environment and circumstances to accomplish our goals, bringing others along in our journey.

Over the years in my technology career, there were many days I wanted to get up from my desk and walk away for good. I felt trapped by the stress of tight deadlines, unforeseen issues causing delays, disgruntled team members or clients, and that internal gnawing that insisted I was supposed to be a full-time musician. I talked myself off the ledge (figuratively speaking) many a time. Can you relate?

Instead of reflecting on my thoughts and feelings with a journal, slowing down to determine my needs and wants and how to get them, I would just flounder in a sense of victimhood, complaining to God about my circumstances, which were actually quite good. The drama was mostly inside my head and my heart. I felt stuck. I would go home and tell Becky, “I feel so trapped! I just want to get out of there!” I stayed, though, and things got better usually in time.

After it got better, I found myself quite comfortable, fighting only to maintain peace and comfort at my homeostatic level. Not too much, not too little. Just right. And nobody should disturb that. No sense of urgency. Perhaps a bit apathetic. Coasting and sometimes enjoying life. Doing what had to be done to keep the peace and maintain comfort. Not healthy ambition or personal mission driving me forward.

That all changed when I hired my life coach. Through our coaching sessions, I discovered a sense of control and personal agency that I not experienced before, or at least not in a long time. I started to change for the better. A better husband. A better father. A better leader at work. More energy. More drive. More engaged. Ask Becky, and she’ll tell you, I’m not the man that I was.

It was so powerful that I decided to become a full-time life coach myself. Now I get to participate in this fantastic growth in others, sharing what I’ve learned.

So, where would you describe your current level of control / agency?

Are you the captain of your own ship, or are you riding in the decks below?

My Christian friends may say, “No, God is my captain!” And yet, Jesus told the parable where a landowner gave a coin to his steward who then buried it hoping for the best. The landowner (representing God) was not pleased with the steward because he did not take the coin and invest it for growth.

We are the stewards of our own lives. It is our responsibility to take it and invest in our growth. To chart a course and move forward, making the most of our days while we have them. To discover our calling, define our mission, set our goals, and run the race.

So let’s run the race, together!