Blink And You'll Miss It

My poor readers know that I prefer to keep my opinions off the page, sharing them only at Christmas dinner and other such inappropriate times.

Yet on this I cannot hold my fingers back…

Someone has to say it – and if that someone has to be me, then so be it…

Of all the disappointments modernity has to offer, the so-called eclipse overshadows them all. Despite the claims of fantastical visions and historical scarcity, it has proved so mediocre that if an astrophysicist wasn’t around every corner to inform us precisely when and where (presumably in the sky), no one would even notice.

The question then, is why? Why has something that plunged ancient civilisations into darkness, causing them to doubt their entire existence – often for minutes at a time – now just another opportunity to break out the prosecco and put on ridiculous goggles?

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t possess what is commonly known as ‘evidence,’ nor are my musings particularly peer-reviewed. Yet even I can see there is something very wrong here.

Where is the trembling and cowering, the sacrificed hearts – appeasements to the gods we have angered? Where are our fools, virgins and podcasters – white robed and screaming for mercy in the flames? I’ll tell you where: they’re lazing about on Indian quilts, with foil wrapped around their faces, waffling on about Mayan calendars!

But can one even call the eclipse just another consumerist spectacle? No – even that would be giving it far too much credence! For example, imagine you visited a restaurant for a juicy burger and received only lettuce in a bun: you would be well within your consumer rights to argue that this wasn’t a burger at all. Likewise, the number of confused and underwhelmed people asking ‘has it begun?’ or ‘is it over yet?’ suggests clear evidence of a defective event.

Unsurprisingly, this isn’t the first time we’ve been burnt by false advertising.

In 1999, scientists were salivating over the prospect of a ‘rare and awe-inspiring eclipse.’

As I recall, I was on holiday in South Bohemia, ready to be amazed by the glory of Space, simultaneously imagining the stories I’d tell my schoolmates on my return: I was playing minigolf and suddenly it went dark! In reality, all that happened was that it went slightly overcast – and that’s being generous.

The disenchantment after all the hype was enough to make me lose the match to my little brother, ruining the whole holiday. Teenage trauma aside, surely darkness is not too much to expect here? Not a bit of shade, not a little dimming – but actual, night quality dark. Are we not within our planetary rights to demand that?

When you confront the ‘experts’ about this glaring anti-climax, you’re given the usual evasions: It depends… Well, actually… It’s down to nebulosity, longitude… Your call is important to us…

But I don’t want excuses. I want answers. And if science can’t provide it, then I’ll just have figure it out myself…

So, if you’re still with me – this is what I think is going on: if the cosmos is, let’s say, a projection of our collective consciousness, then it stands to reason that it too has suffered from the degrading effects of our material narcissism, hysteria and general low-vibrational slop. The great shows it was able to perform for our ancestors relied on their profound superstitions and spiritual purity, as much as it did any chemical processes – in a world still free and undiscovered, there to be worshipped, not studied. Under these conditions, miracles occurred, perceptions shifted and reality was in constant expansion.

Today, that ancient enchantment is all but extinct, and yet we seem to insist on pretending that nothing has changed, applauding these farcical performances – realising, at least subconsciously – that any criticism is a criticism of ourselves.

The Sun, the Moon – and whatever else is floating around up there – have essentially become victims of galactic political correctness; a protected class of celestials that can do no wrong!

We as a people need to call this out if we are ever going to make eclipses great again.

The next one is scheduled for fifty years’ time. Let’s hope by then we’ll have no fucking idea what’s going on.