Advice To A Daughter

Saying goodbye to your eighteen-year-old as she heads off to college isn’t easy for any parent, but it’s especially hard for mothers of girls. Moms of girls carry an extra layer of vigilance because we know the world they’re walking into. We’ve been there—we are there.

Tucked inside a photo album I made for my daughter—yes, I went old-school, not digital—called A Field Guide to Your Life, with sections like “Times You Were Brave” and “Pets You’ve Loved,” was a flyer of advice I’d made for the road ahead. It is advice I’ve collected over time from other wise women or that has developed in conversations with my daughter.

Sometimes we mistake maternal anxiety for overprotectiveness when it’s actually a rational response to gendered risks. But we always walk a fine line between expanding their sense of freedom and limiting it. We don’t want girls to inherit only our warnings; we also want them to inherit confidence, discernment, and joy.

One of the most important goals in raising girls isn’t just protecting them from sexism. It’s helping them recognize it without letting it define them. The flyer below contains the things I wanted her to know, not so she would be afraid of the world, but so she could move through it freely, with her eyes open.

I mentioned it in a recent live video about raising girls in a misogynistic culture and several people have asked me to share it so I thought I’d make it available here. Paid subscribers can download the pretty (and editable!) one-page flyer but all of the advice is below.

• No pills. No powder. No injections.

• Never accept a drink from someone else or leave yours unattended. If you do, get a new one. It’s not worth the risk.

• Choose friends who not only pick you up when you’re down, but celebrate your successes, too.

• Be the friend who tells the truth, kindly.

• If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Do not make excuses. Do not give second chances that aren’t asked for. Your time and energy are priceless.

• Do not stay in a relationship because you are afraid of being alone. The loneliness of being with the wrong person is far worse than the loneliness of being by yourself. One is temporary. The other is a slow erosion of who you are.

• Your pleasure matters. You are not there to provide a service.

• Strangulation is dangerous. Period. There is no physiologically safe or “right” way to compress someone’s carotid arteries.

Pretending you’re a badass even if you don’t feel that way can save your life.

• Walk like you belong wherever you are — lift your head. Make eye contact. Take up space. Move with purpose.

• Don’t be polite. Your job is to protect yourself, not their feelings.

• Get angry. Go feral. Make a scene. People fear erratic behavior and embarrassment is temporary.

• Never ever go to the second location.

• Being targeted is never ever the target’s fault

• Likes are data, not love.

• If an app profits from your insecurity, question the advice it gives you.

• Your education is for YOU.

• Don’t confuse difficulty with inability.

• Don’t confuse grades with worth.

• Do the work before you feel like doing the work → Motivation is unreliable. Habits are not.

• Learn how to actually learn. Rereading your notes is not studying. Test yourself. Explain things out loud. Practice what you don’t know.

• Ask for help. Go to office hours. Find a tutor. Ask the person sitting next to you.

• Ask for the raise.

• Apply before you feel ready. Men do.

• Take care of your teeth and your back. Both will betray you if you ignore them. Both are expensive to fix after the damage is done.

• Never be sorry for taking up physical or emotional space.

• You don’t owe anyone thinness, prettiness, youth, or sexiness.

• Don’t spend so much time trying to look beautiful that you forget to build a beautiful life.

• Be the kind of person who returns the shopping cart. Character is what you do when no one is watching.

• You are allowed to be brilliant.

• You should expect to be heard.

• You do not need to be “likeable”.

Lastly: Come home sometimes. Not because you need to. Just because I like the sound of you in the house.

Click to download and print the PDF below. It is fully editable so you can personalize it or put your own spin on it.